I miss my baby
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain
0 comments
&the time is 7:49 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
0 comments
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Long distance sucks0 comments
♥
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
For You :)This post is dedicated to you! :)
I should probably be blogging about Grad Night but I'm wayy too tired and it's my off day from work, cut me some slack!
So anyways, YOU. I'm seriously glad that I have you in my life. I know this sounds cheesy and I don't care who reads this and judges but sometimes I'm just so glad and happy to have you by my side.
Some of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me came from you. And I still remember how in the beginning I doubted if we were right for each other because I didn't think you would be the kind who does something special and has that thought to do all the cheesy stuff and I might feel neglected, unhappy, etc. But it couldn't be further away.
I entered this with no expectations, no high hopes, but good thing is, I didn't come into this with the thinking that "confirm it won't last" as I always do. I didn't think about the end, I thought just about NOW. You changed a lot, in a good way, to me, and I hope I changed too. You've made me a more positive person, you have. Now that I think about it, my love life has been pretty lucky. Not miserable/fail as I thought. Amicable, if not then clean breakups, and I've been lucky to stumble across you in my path.
You're one of the most sincere, honest, straightforward and uncomplicated guys I've ever met. You're more of a girl than you let on and though you have spoiled me constantly but you have made me a better person because I don't give you shit and I become a better human being when I'm with you. I respect you too much and I see you as an equal, someone to share everything with and not someone to take the blame and anger for everything that goes wrong. I'm a better person because I want to be better for you. Learning to control my temper, my demands, and trying to be more understanding.
Never once have you let me down when I need you. I can always count on you and it makes me relieved to know that there is someone for me in my life. I'm sure we can pull through everything, and I'll be waiting for you and I know you will too. <3 You have always been so true and sincere it melts my heart. I know that when I'm sad, you're sad. I know that whenever I go to bed upset you can't sleep too. I know you're always here for me because you don't say these things just for the sake of it but because you are sincere :)
I love our movie nights and our beer challenges. I will always remember being carried across the road by you on July 14th and I will always remember our mad dress dash HAHA. :) Thanks for everything love, you're the best <3
0 comments
I should probably be blogging about Grad Night but I'm wayy too tired and it's my off day from work, cut me some slack!
So anyways, YOU. I'm seriously glad that I have you in my life. I know this sounds cheesy and I don't care who reads this and judges but sometimes I'm just so glad and happy to have you by my side.
Some of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me came from you. And I still remember how in the beginning I doubted if we were right for each other because I didn't think you would be the kind who does something special and has that thought to do all the cheesy stuff and I might feel neglected, unhappy, etc. But it couldn't be further away.
I entered this with no expectations, no high hopes, but good thing is, I didn't come into this with the thinking that "confirm it won't last" as I always do. I didn't think about the end, I thought just about NOW. You changed a lot, in a good way, to me, and I hope I changed too. You've made me a more positive person, you have. Now that I think about it, my love life has been pretty lucky. Not miserable/fail as I thought. Amicable, if not then clean breakups, and I've been lucky to stumble across you in my path.
You're one of the most sincere, honest, straightforward and uncomplicated guys I've ever met. You're more of a girl than you let on and though you have spoiled me constantly but you have made me a better person because I don't give you shit and I become a better human being when I'm with you. I respect you too much and I see you as an equal, someone to share everything with and not someone to take the blame and anger for everything that goes wrong. I'm a better person because I want to be better for you. Learning to control my temper, my demands, and trying to be more understanding.
Never once have you let me down when I need you. I can always count on you and it makes me relieved to know that there is someone for me in my life. I'm sure we can pull through everything, and I'll be waiting for you and I know you will too. <3 You have always been so true and sincere it melts my heart. I know that when I'm sad, you're sad. I know that whenever I go to bed upset you can't sleep too. I know you're always here for me because you don't say these things just for the sake of it but because you are sincere :)
I love our movie nights and our beer challenges. I will always remember being carried across the road by you on July 14th and I will always remember our mad dress dash HAHA. :) Thanks for everything love, you're the best <3
Labels: Happy in the Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days
0 comments
&the time is 3:27 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Sunday, July 8, 2012
According to FoursquareAccording to foursquare, we're 602 miles away.
According to my pilot, the distance between our cities are 960 km.
Numbers, which signify the endless miles.
I'm excited to go back to see you and all my wonderful friends again next week. Life is dreary here.
But I'm also sad, because after the next trip is over, I won't have anything to look forward to anymore. Stuck here for 7 months. I can't do it. I need to go back at least once more. :(
Need to work and earn money. Just so I can escape here. I don't know why but I feel like I'm in a cage every time I'm back. Maybe I forgot my roots already but all I know is, I am never coming back to this small town. I love my hometown, I will always miss home, but my heart and soul's somewhere else now.
Life is a constant stream of change, relocation, and new roads in the future. Looking forward to where the next road takes me <3
0 comments
According to my pilot, the distance between our cities are 960 km.
Numbers, which signify the endless miles.
I'm excited to go back to see you and all my wonderful friends again next week. Life is dreary here.
But I'm also sad, because after the next trip is over, I won't have anything to look forward to anymore. Stuck here for 7 months. I can't do it. I need to go back at least once more. :(
Need to work and earn money. Just so I can escape here. I don't know why but I feel like I'm in a cage every time I'm back. Maybe I forgot my roots already but all I know is, I am never coming back to this small town. I love my hometown, I will always miss home, but my heart and soul's somewhere else now.
Life is a constant stream of change, relocation, and new roads in the future. Looking forward to where the next road takes me <3
Labels: Happy in the Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days
0 comments
&the time is 1:45 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Monday, February 27, 2012
A Rainy Day PoemOne moment one day
When all seems okay
The next thing you know.
Everything is upside down.
Pain from the past.
Thought it'd gone away.
But it always lasts
Everything has turned gray.
Happiness once so real and strong,
So much that I thought
"I don't deserve all this joy."
I guess I was wrong.
Nothing in this world ever lasts
Nothing is ever certain
From beautiful sunsets to the whispers of comfort
To the endless pain.
I still remember a time
When the sun still shone
But now the skies are overcast.
All the good is gone.
I'm wiser now, and more weary.
I know not to live in the past.
But how do I stop the dreams
That haunt me in my sleep.
Memories come and go, fast
Like the wind.
All i ever wanted was to
Be something to someone.
But now I know..
All i want in life
Is to be happy no matter what.
When will that day come?
5 comments
When all seems okay
The next thing you know.
Everything is upside down.
Pain from the past.
Thought it'd gone away.
But it always lasts
Everything has turned gray.
Happiness once so real and strong,
So much that I thought
"I don't deserve all this joy."
I guess I was wrong.
Nothing in this world ever lasts
Nothing is ever certain
From beautiful sunsets to the whispers of comfort
To the endless pain.
I still remember a time
When the sun still shone
But now the skies are overcast.
All the good is gone.
I'm wiser now, and more weary.
I know not to live in the past.
But how do I stop the dreams
That haunt me in my sleep.
Memories come and go, fast
Like the wind.
All i ever wanted was to
Be something to someone.
But now I know..
All i want in life
Is to be happy no matter what.
When will that day come?
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain
5 comments
&the time is 4:03 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Saturday, February 25, 2012
To My BlackberryI still remember the first day I got you. I remember your sturdy pink case. I remember all the OS tweaks and installations and customizations I've done to you.
I miss holding you and typing on you in bed with the lights off before I sleep. I miss your alarm everyday to wake me up. I miss scrolling on you through my Twitter updates. I miss updating my Twitter on you. Now it's gone. I am no longer connected to internet at all. No more stalking on Facebook updates or anything.
I miss BBM and texting and Whatsapp and checking in with Foursquare. I miss being able to call anyone or text at any time. Now I have no way to call anyone. Nothing to hold. Nothing to play with. No contacts to use.
Not only that, all my email accounts, synced on my BB, and my 572 songs and all my painfully installed apps and carefully edited pictures in my 8GB memory card. Now, it's all gone.
No more phone to play when I'm bored, or when I'm out. Nothing to read with my first cup of coffee. Worse of all, no more phone to call people when I'm really down and needing someone.
All my reminders and alarms. All my research and reading reviews about this phone.
I just want to die now. I miss you.
This month is seriously horrible. Just few hours ago, I still had a phone. FML
0 comments
I miss holding you and typing on you in bed with the lights off before I sleep. I miss your alarm everyday to wake me up. I miss scrolling on you through my Twitter updates. I miss updating my Twitter on you. Now it's gone. I am no longer connected to internet at all. No more stalking on Facebook updates or anything.
I miss BBM and texting and Whatsapp and checking in with Foursquare. I miss being able to call anyone or text at any time. Now I have no way to call anyone. Nothing to hold. Nothing to play with. No contacts to use.
Not only that, all my email accounts, synced on my BB, and my 572 songs and all my painfully installed apps and carefully edited pictures in my 8GB memory card. Now, it's all gone.
No more phone to play when I'm bored, or when I'm out. Nothing to read with my first cup of coffee. Worse of all, no more phone to call people when I'm really down and needing someone.
All my reminders and alarms. All my research and reading reviews about this phone.
I just want to die now. I miss you.
This month is seriously horrible. Just few hours ago, I still had a phone. FML
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days
0 comments
&the time is 2:54 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Happy Valentine's DayHe's angry at me. He said he's fucking annoyed at how weak I am. He shrugged and said I have to be strong, its life, if my mindset is so negative as in I think I can't move on, then he wishes me luck. He asks me to learn from my past experiences like he did. He even said," u really think u will love me for eternity? We can be friends k? Good friends." He said he has reached his limit and he is sorry. And his answer will never change, we will never be together again. That he told himself no more, he won't anymore, and whatever love he has left is dying out edy. But he still flirts with me and so on. I don't knw. He says he doesn't want to just stay cause of my body. He says he knows if we stay on he will hurt me eventually, and that when he really loves a girl, he won't leave her unless he has to.
He says my reaction after giving him his bj was so fucking disgusted and he feels worthless. I know I was wrong.. If I could do it again, I would do it differently.. Sighs.. He thinks I only gave him my virginity cos I was drunk.. But its not true..
I should give him time.. Hoping he might miss me and change his mind though I knw myself its unlikely.. I begged him to let me into his heart once more but he keep saying sorry no.. I'm at such a loss.. I want to leave him alone, hope he might miss me, but I'm scared if I do, I'll lose whatever fragile hold I still have on him.. Cos even those fake hugs and friendly touches I get right nw is better than nothingness..
You say you till care, then? Please don't tell me it's only as a friend.. Please don't tell me that.
I always thought you were different.. I thought you were a man who wouldn't just leave a girl because "I don't love you anymore" but you would stay on and try. But now? You tell me you are strong. You seem so fine, you seem like we never happened, like we never met, never fell in love, you seem like you don't miss me or think about me anymore, and I guess you don't.. I'm only a friend to you, close friends even..
To be honest, even now I just crave those moments with you.. Those moments when you hold me or poke my boob and laugh or smear saliva all over me even though I know it's all in the name of "friendship" Those moments when I just bask in your touch even when I know when I reach home we'll be strangers again, the moment we leave the room we'd be just two strangers.
I think you might have love confused with burning passion. Things cool off after awhile, they almost always do. Love switches over from these gut level feelings to admiration, respect, and companionship. It is about building something. A good couple will figure out how to get those gut level feelings back from time to time. Keep the relationship from getting stale. But you aren't willing to try anymore.
Just got off the phone with mum... Told her in as few words as I can.. Even then I had to hold the tears back and pretend to sound fine.. She knew better than to ask if I was fine as I said "we're friends, don't worry k!" and she said tonight, go out and have a nice dinner k? and buy a little something for yourself to make yourself happy k? And I said thanks mum, and when I hung up, it felt like a piece of me had literally torn off..
He asked me to be strong. Asked me to promise to be fine. Asked me to be stronger and learn from my experience. I guess people change, things change. I won't move on for now, because it's too soon. I will still love you, because I don't know how to stop. If you want to be friends, I will try my best to be one.. Try and be happy for you even when you're no more in my life.
I promise to stop calling you, stop running to you, stop hoping..
Even though till today, I still wish that you'll show up with a bouquet, telling me how sorry you are and how much you love me and Will I Be Your Valentine? Though I know those are just fantasies.. But I never imagined my Valentine's Day would turn out like this..
Alone.
0 comments
He says my reaction after giving him his bj was so fucking disgusted and he feels worthless. I know I was wrong.. If I could do it again, I would do it differently.. Sighs.. He thinks I only gave him my virginity cos I was drunk.. But its not true..
I should give him time.. Hoping he might miss me and change his mind though I knw myself its unlikely.. I begged him to let me into his heart once more but he keep saying sorry no.. I'm at such a loss.. I want to leave him alone, hope he might miss me, but I'm scared if I do, I'll lose whatever fragile hold I still have on him.. Cos even those fake hugs and friendly touches I get right nw is better than nothingness..
You say you till care, then? Please don't tell me it's only as a friend.. Please don't tell me that.
I always thought you were different.. I thought you were a man who wouldn't just leave a girl because "I don't love you anymore" but you would stay on and try. But now? You tell me you are strong. You seem so fine, you seem like we never happened, like we never met, never fell in love, you seem like you don't miss me or think about me anymore, and I guess you don't.. I'm only a friend to you, close friends even..
To be honest, even now I just crave those moments with you.. Those moments when you hold me or poke my boob and laugh or smear saliva all over me even though I know it's all in the name of "friendship" Those moments when I just bask in your touch even when I know when I reach home we'll be strangers again, the moment we leave the room we'd be just two strangers.
I think you might have love confused with burning passion. Things cool off after awhile, they almost always do. Love switches over from these gut level feelings to admiration, respect, and companionship. It is about building something. A good couple will figure out how to get those gut level feelings back from time to time. Keep the relationship from getting stale. But you aren't willing to try anymore.
Just got off the phone with mum... Told her in as few words as I can.. Even then I had to hold the tears back and pretend to sound fine.. She knew better than to ask if I was fine as I said "we're friends, don't worry k!" and she said tonight, go out and have a nice dinner k? and buy a little something for yourself to make yourself happy k? And I said thanks mum, and when I hung up, it felt like a piece of me had literally torn off..
He asked me to be strong. Asked me to promise to be fine. Asked me to be stronger and learn from my experience. I guess people change, things change. I won't move on for now, because it's too soon. I will still love you, because I don't know how to stop. If you want to be friends, I will try my best to be one.. Try and be happy for you even when you're no more in my life.
I promise to stop calling you, stop running to you, stop hoping..
Even though till today, I still wish that you'll show up with a bouquet, telling me how sorry you are and how much you love me and Will I Be Your Valentine? Though I know those are just fantasies.. But I never imagined my Valentine's Day would turn out like this..
Alone.
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days
0 comments
&the time is 2:03 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
When the pain of holding on is more than the pain of letting go, it is time to let go.
Because honestly, what can I do? I know. I know if I don’t text you, you won’t text me. I know you won’t miss me, I know you don’t love me anymore. You said so yourself. You’re only still entertaining me because you feel guilty, responsible, and you still care but only as a friend and no longer in a romantic way. Since he doesn’t love me anymore, what can I do? Since he is not willing to hold on, what can I do?
I have to face he’s happier without me. I have to move on, or at least pretend to, because he has. I promised myself today I would not shed a tear for him, but already I have failed that promise. Again and again, I have to hear these words. “I don’t love you anymore”. “I have passed my limit.” “I can’t feel it anymore.”
The reason I can still eat and the agony hasn’t set in is either because a) I’m stronger now b) we’re still civil to each other or c) I never really loved him either. Maybe he’s right, we’re not the right one for each other. I can feel it too. And no matter what I promise, can I change? Can I really fix myself? I’ve never been given the chance too. He didn’t, and now you won’t. No one is ever willing to give me that chance. I’ll never be able to learn how to change, because again and again, the chance is wrested away from me. Maybe I’m relieved it’s over. And he can be happy. Maybe I’m meant to be alone. I know what I did was wrong: forced him to stay with me. Maybe we can be friends in the future. But I have to let him go because it’s not right to force him like this.
I’ve always basked in the fact that I know no matter what, he loves me. I knew that, or at least I thought, he’d always love me more than I loved him. How wrong I was. Time after time, I find that I’ve been living a lie all along. In fact, he never really cared. It was only, a fling. A fling dragged into a relationship, past its expiry date. Or is it because I finally gave you everything, and THEN you lost the interest? That possibility is too painful to consider.
In the end, everything is a lie. The love I thought we had turns out to be nothing. Turned into ashes again. Wondering if I’ll ever matter to anyone. Even now, I clutch on to false hopes, a text with a smiley leads me to wildly speculate that it will all be okay, if he replies I feel hope fluttering in my chest. Maybe Adrian was kinder to just tell me he hates me and deleted me. Even now I feel like I’m clutching to hope, uncertain, but hopeful. Playing more games with my own head, when it’s so clear, and even he has confessed and laid it out to me that he feels nothing. I don’t want to force him to love me. He deserves to be happy. Maybe I’m too broken. Maybe I’m too gullible. Maybe I was desperate. But I shouldn’t trust myself now. I need to talk to someone.. but who will understand? No one. Once again, I am alone.
A brief moment when I felt appreciated. And now, it’s gone again, replaced by this loneliness, this hole in my heart that is even bigger than it was. Again, and again, till maybe finally I won’t have any heart left to make holes in.
0 comments
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Life's ironyYou never think you can move on, but then again you thought it’d last forever.
When the pain of holding on is more than the pain of letting go, it is time to let go.
Because honestly, what can I do? I know. I know if I don’t text you, you won’t text me. I know you won’t miss me, I know you don’t love me anymore. You said so yourself. You’re only still entertaining me because you feel guilty, responsible, and you still care but only as a friend and no longer in a romantic way. Since he doesn’t love me anymore, what can I do? Since he is not willing to hold on, what can I do?
I have to face he’s happier without me. I have to move on, or at least pretend to, because he has. I promised myself today I would not shed a tear for him, but already I have failed that promise. Again and again, I have to hear these words. “I don’t love you anymore”. “I have passed my limit.” “I can’t feel it anymore.”
The reason I can still eat and the agony hasn’t set in is either because a) I’m stronger now b) we’re still civil to each other or c) I never really loved him either. Maybe he’s right, we’re not the right one for each other. I can feel it too. And no matter what I promise, can I change? Can I really fix myself? I’ve never been given the chance too. He didn’t, and now you won’t. No one is ever willing to give me that chance. I’ll never be able to learn how to change, because again and again, the chance is wrested away from me. Maybe I’m relieved it’s over. And he can be happy. Maybe I’m meant to be alone. I know what I did was wrong: forced him to stay with me. Maybe we can be friends in the future. But I have to let him go because it’s not right to force him like this.
I’ve always basked in the fact that I know no matter what, he loves me. I knew that, or at least I thought, he’d always love me more than I loved him. How wrong I was. Time after time, I find that I’ve been living a lie all along. In fact, he never really cared. It was only, a fling. A fling dragged into a relationship, past its expiry date. Or is it because I finally gave you everything, and THEN you lost the interest? That possibility is too painful to consider.
In the end, everything is a lie. The love I thought we had turns out to be nothing. Turned into ashes again. Wondering if I’ll ever matter to anyone. Even now, I clutch on to false hopes, a text with a smiley leads me to wildly speculate that it will all be okay, if he replies I feel hope fluttering in my chest. Maybe Adrian was kinder to just tell me he hates me and deleted me. Even now I feel like I’m clutching to hope, uncertain, but hopeful. Playing more games with my own head, when it’s so clear, and even he has confessed and laid it out to me that he feels nothing. I don’t want to force him to love me. He deserves to be happy. Maybe I’m too broken. Maybe I’m too gullible. Maybe I was desperate. But I shouldn’t trust myself now. I need to talk to someone.. but who will understand? No one. Once again, I am alone.
A brief moment when I felt appreciated. And now, it’s gone again, replaced by this loneliness, this hole in my heart that is even bigger than it was. Again, and again, till maybe finally I won’t have any heart left to make holes in.
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days
0 comments
&the time is 10:32 PM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I don't even wanna care..But I do. And maybe I'm the one who's pushed you away, but right now I'm trying so hard yet it seems like every little thing I do isn't going to bring you back.
Back when it was a fun fling when I could walk away anytime, when your words of commitment scared me, I could leave anytime, I was free, in control. And now? I care now. I care so much more. And as usual, he's changed.
You've changed.
I wonder why. Is it because I've said a blunt NO to all possibilities of sex so I'm not that interesting anymore? i hope it's not that.
No matter what I do, I can't get you back anymore..
Here I am, sitting around rejecting plans with my friends, spending the last couple of days in this place waiting for you to ask me out, to make plans with me, for special dates with me. But no.. I'm just wasting my time. Waiting.
When I was playing hard to get, he seemed to want me more. Maybe now I'm too available? I don't know. I wonder if he still loves me, at all. He's stopped caring about me, my health, my life, he doesn't really find me anymore, he doesn't talk much on the phone. I really don't know..
It's so much scarier now that I love him so much. I can just pray that I won't be so broken if he leaves. I wish I hadn't been foolish. To fall for you, eventually. I wish I'd walked away when I could..
Now I'm in too deep, and I don't know if anyone can save me from the inevitable heartbreak and pain. From caring too much about somebody who's already starting to stop caring.
Do you still love me? I dunno.
0 comments
Back when it was a fun fling when I could walk away anytime, when your words of commitment scared me, I could leave anytime, I was free, in control. And now? I care now. I care so much more. And as usual, he's changed.
You've changed.
I wonder why. Is it because I've said a blunt NO to all possibilities of sex so I'm not that interesting anymore? i hope it's not that.
No matter what I do, I can't get you back anymore..
Here I am, sitting around rejecting plans with my friends, spending the last couple of days in this place waiting for you to ask me out, to make plans with me, for special dates with me. But no.. I'm just wasting my time. Waiting.
When I was playing hard to get, he seemed to want me more. Maybe now I'm too available? I don't know. I wonder if he still loves me, at all. He's stopped caring about me, my health, my life, he doesn't really find me anymore, he doesn't talk much on the phone. I really don't know..
It's so much scarier now that I love him so much. I can just pray that I won't be so broken if he leaves. I wish I hadn't been foolish. To fall for you, eventually. I wish I'd walked away when I could..
Now I'm in too deep, and I don't know if anyone can save me from the inevitable heartbreak and pain. From caring too much about somebody who's already starting to stop caring.
Do you still love me? I dunno.
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Password Protected
0 comments
&the time is 7:13 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Monday, October 24, 2011
Finals SoonSorry for the long hiatus from blogging, and sorry for being cryptic in this post.
First anger, then tears, then pain.
SPM, then finals.
This is epic.
Gonna have to study hard now. Block everything out. Just wanna go back home. Kuching, in my bed.
I miss you guys :)
0 comments
First anger, then tears, then pain.
SPM, then finals.
This is epic.
Gonna have to study hard now. Block everything out. Just wanna go back home. Kuching, in my bed.
I miss you guys :)
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days
0 comments
&the time is 10:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I am not crying, I am just hurt beyond that point.I don't get it. I thought you were fine with me already? yea, you still won't accept my friend request. I get it.. I guess you're afraid I'll go and beg you back or something. I made a fool out of myself. But now? I just liked a wall post, and you already totally lost it at me. Is it that even one contact with me makes you so pissed at me? You like my friend's wall posts too you know.
How come just the very idea of my existence makes you so damn angry? Wow, I never knew you could hate someone so much.
And what sucks? You swore you'd love me forever.
Sure thing, cutie pie. I'll love you forever because of my fucking inability to stop thinking about you, but I bet you hate me like your worst enemy. For what reason?
Because I still love you? It can't be that you're still hurting, because duhh you've moved on like a marathon.
So what the fuck have I got to do to just.. make peace? I just need closure. Just an acknowledgement of friendship.. Then I'll let it all go. I wouldn't even try to be your best friend because it hurts so much I just want some closure. But no.. Time doesn't change a thing. You still have such a huge problem with me.
Trying to be mature.
But come on, you used to love me. Don't try to deny that. Yea, it's the past, but you DID love me. Admit that. So why can't you, in respect of our former love, not be so fucking hateful to me? Yea you were unhappy, but we did have happy moments too. Can't you see that? You used to just want to kiss me the whole night, and now you hate my guts?
I k now you're not the weak kind who will miss me or look back. I know you don't need anyone and you can move on easily. But yeah, I am still sorry I made you cry for me. And made your life so miserable with fights. I'm sorry I was never satisfied and tried to change you into someone you're not. I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings and I was selfish. Isn't that enough?
1 comments
How come just the very idea of my existence makes you so damn angry? Wow, I never knew you could hate someone so much.
And what sucks? You swore you'd love me forever.
Sure thing, cutie pie. I'll love you forever because of my fucking inability to stop thinking about you, but I bet you hate me like your worst enemy. For what reason?
Because I still love you? It can't be that you're still hurting, because duhh you've moved on like a marathon.
So what the fuck have I got to do to just.. make peace? I just need closure. Just an acknowledgement of friendship.. Then I'll let it all go. I wouldn't even try to be your best friend because it hurts so much I just want some closure. But no.. Time doesn't change a thing. You still have such a huge problem with me.
Trying to be mature.
But come on, you used to love me. Don't try to deny that. Yea, it's the past, but you DID love me. Admit that. So why can't you, in respect of our former love, not be so fucking hateful to me? Yea you were unhappy, but we did have happy moments too. Can't you see that? You used to just want to kiss me the whole night, and now you hate my guts?
I k now you're not the weak kind who will miss me or look back. I know you don't need anyone and you can move on easily. But yeah, I am still sorry I made you cry for me. And made your life so miserable with fights. I'm sorry I was never satisfied and tried to change you into someone you're not. I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings and I was selfish. Isn't that enough?
Labels: Angry in the Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days
1 comments
&the time is 9:26 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
[/caption]
0 comments
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Today is a Day of FlashbacksToday I remembered you a lot, for some reason. I'm too tired to be witty or sarcastic now.
My feelings for him are fading day by day, which is good.. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. That I don't miss him so much, having him with me, going through every fight and obstacle supporting each other. I wish for a lot of things, but I can't undo time or force love.
My cheek against yours, nose against nose. The warmth of these memories. That time we giggled as your dad drove us during CNY last year. How you put your arm around me and kissed me quickly when no one was looking. How you helped me tape my eraser together after it fell apart.
The way you had that nervous breakdown and I helped you cope through it. The way you helped me cope with my past bullimia. The way that I changed your birthday on Facebook once and you were so sweat. I miss those memories, I do.
At that time, we really believed we would love each other forever. It was a taken for granted thing, that it would last forever, that you'd never stop loving me, that you'd always be by my side. How we swore to marry each other, how our love never wavered.. Till it did.
It still hurts remembering you telling others how glad you are to be free and saying yucks when someone mentioned me. That was when you hated me after we broke up. Because I kept calling and finding you. I remember you telling me to get out of your life, that you've tried but it didn't work, and let's just break up officially.
All this while, I've never found someone new. Maybe only to flirt, but never having feelings for anyone. Maybe I just didn't bother. Maybe my heart isn't ready, or maybe I still hold you in a part of my heart. Or maybe just because no one attracts me right now.
You don't know how much I really, really miss you and everything you did for me. Everyone was so shocked when we broke up.. Because you loved me so. But you've changed so, so much now.
Dar, I love you. I miss you so much and I think about you every day in every single thing. You don't know how much I miss you and regret everything I did and how hard it is to let you go. I know your life is good now and I hate to disturb you anymore, but I just want to say I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so sorry. I keep going back to that first kiss, first date, first time we met, and I'm so sorry. I never thought it'd end like this, and I miss you. I'm leaving now, and I hope you'll find happiness, and I hope you'll think of me fondly one day. I will never regret meeting you, getting to know you, or falling in love with you, sharing my life with you, or having those memories of us. Because though they're what leads me to cry, it's also the things that make me want to move on, and find again.
I never thought we'd have a last kiss....
[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="420" caption="An awesome picture of me after such an emo post =) Xiuxiu meitu! ♥"][/caption]Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain
0 comments
&the time is 1:30 PM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
EMPTYYYYI want to make you dinner.
I want to go shopping with you.
I want to fold stars for you.
I want to share candy with you.
I want to call you and say hi.
I want to sing you a song.
I want to be there for you through everything.
I want to hear your problems and comfort you when you cry.
I want to drop everything i'm doing just for you.
I want to make you feel like you're the most special person in the world.
I need school.
School made me ok.. This is not ok.
You know why it sucks to be me?
I didn't make any new best friends or new friends after it.
I didn't really even hang out with my old ones.
Unlike you, new everything.
I need school.
0 comments
I want to go shopping with you.
I want to fold stars for you.
I want to share candy with you.
I want to call you and say hi.
I want to sing you a song.
I want to be there for you through everything.
I want to hear your problems and comfort you when you cry.
I want to drop everything i'm doing just for you.
I want to make you feel like you're the most special person in the world.
I need school.
School made me ok.. This is not ok.
You know why it sucks to be me?
I didn't make any new best friends or new friends after it.
I didn't really even hang out with my old ones.
Unlike you, new everything.
I need school.
Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain
0 comments
&the time is 6:10 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Monday, May 23, 2011
Hole in the HeartCrying alone in the night.
It's something I don't want to do anymore. I can't wait to fly off and forget.. Leave it all behind.
It hurts to see him comforting his girl friend and telling him things like smile more, drink more water, comforting her. Though I guess they're just best friends or what. But still, I'm jealous. It hurts so bad to know I'm not in his life but others are.
I try to read her blog just to catch a glimpse of your name. I mean.. I guess you guys are best friends and stuff but I'm just so jealous. I miss you so much.. Seeing you being so nice to another girl just kills me inside. I don't even think she likes me. I tried asking her about you before but she just totally brushed me off and I guess it's only acceptable.
Sometimes it feels like I'll never meet someone new again. This gnawing feeling in my tummy.. It just kills me literally.
Everything I did, I am sorry. I just want you to know I love you. It's so easy for others to forget their exes.. But for me? It's a struggle to stay afloat. I don't know why. It's not like I'm such an antisocial person and only had him. Or I had a rough family background and he was my only salvation. Maybe I'm just naturally born weak this way.
I wish I could pick you up and just kiss you. I wish I could just go out to Spring without being afraid I'd bump into you.
:'( anyone with advice? Sighs.
1 comments
It's something I don't want to do anymore. I can't wait to fly off and forget.. Leave it all behind.
It hurts to see him comforting his girl friend and telling him things like smile more, drink more water, comforting her. Though I guess they're just best friends or what. But still, I'm jealous. It hurts so bad to know I'm not in his life but others are.
I try to read her blog just to catch a glimpse of your name. I mean.. I guess you guys are best friends and stuff but I'm just so jealous. I miss you so much.. Seeing you being so nice to another girl just kills me inside. I don't even think she likes me. I tried asking her about you before but she just totally brushed me off and I guess it's only acceptable.
Sometimes it feels like I'll never meet someone new again. This gnawing feeling in my tummy.. It just kills me literally.
Everything I did, I am sorry. I just want you to know I love you. It's so easy for others to forget their exes.. But for me? It's a struggle to stay afloat. I don't know why. It's not like I'm such an antisocial person and only had him. Or I had a rough family background and he was my only salvation. Maybe I'm just naturally born weak this way.
I wish I could pick you up and just kiss you. I wish I could just go out to Spring without being afraid I'd bump into you.
:'( anyone with advice? Sighs.
Labels: Angry in the Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain
1 comments
&the time is 8:28 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Friday, May 20, 2011
Wisdom StrikesToday was quite an upsetting day. My day went downhill from break time, because as I passed as group of guys they started saying his name loudly. I mean, ok, maybe they didn't know we broke up, but still, it made my heart sink. For a second I was terrified that he was behind me. And after that, I totally lost appetite and had no mood. Not to mention I was sick today. My mucus is yellow so I know I'm sick.
Anyways I was really miserable after that. Just hearing his name made me like that.. Can you imagine if I meet him with some girl somewhere? I'd just fall apart. Then I was waiting for my car at church and miserably remembering all the times we met on Fridays, and missing him, feeling as if I'd do anything just to see him again.
Then I looked around and it just struck me how nice this scene was. Forgive me for being cliche but it was a nice, windy day (then) and the trees were so green and there were primary schoolgirls playing the slapping game and giggling just in front of me, and I looked at them and smiled at how happy they were, how much joy there was in their faces.
Six months ago, I would never have imagine I 'd have such a difficult period in my life, but I made it through. Sort of.
It's funny how much I can mature and grow up after stuff like this. And it always takes a really, really hard and painful lesson to make me more mature. In Form 3, I upsetted some people and set off a giant blacklash being public enemy no 1. And I learned a lot from there and I guess I was different after that. Maybe more able to think from someone's point of view? And this one taught me that life sometimes deals hard blows, and don't trust so easily, and also if you love someone, you gotta show it before you regret.
I guess I'm saying, there's a reason behind everything.
0 comments
Anyways I was really miserable after that. Just hearing his name made me like that.. Can you imagine if I meet him with some girl somewhere? I'd just fall apart. Then I was waiting for my car at church and miserably remembering all the times we met on Fridays, and missing him, feeling as if I'd do anything just to see him again.
Then I looked around and it just struck me how nice this scene was. Forgive me for being cliche but it was a nice, windy day (then) and the trees were so green and there were primary schoolgirls playing the slapping game and giggling just in front of me, and I looked at them and smiled at how happy they were, how much joy there was in their faces.
Six months ago, I would never have imagine I 'd have such a difficult period in my life, but I made it through. Sort of.
It's funny how much I can mature and grow up after stuff like this. And it always takes a really, really hard and painful lesson to make me more mature. In Form 3, I upsetted some people and set off a giant blacklash being public enemy no 1. And I learned a lot from there and I guess I was different after that. Maybe more able to think from someone's point of view? And this one taught me that life sometimes deals hard blows, and don't trust so easily, and also if you love someone, you gotta show it before you regret.
I guess I'm saying, there's a reason behind everything.
Labels: Happy in the Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain
0 comments
&the time is 11:22 PM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Thursday, May 19, 2011
:(I'm so xim tia now.
If you don't know, that means heartache.
I'm stressed about this whole scholarship thing, even though I'm going. I'm stressed about everything else. School is good but yeah, heartache.
It's him. Someone updated me about him recently, it's nothing just that he got a new phone and stuff. I don't want to dwell in this shitty mood anymore but yeah.
Seeing him call other girls boss, or posting on people's walls, or flirting with girls and leaving ♥ and all that, though I know he's not attached now but I know he' s not that sensitive, sweet boy I loved and he'll find some new chick soon and all. Seeing all that reminds me of his life passing by without me. Do you know it's his birthday soon? And it makes me miss him, and I just want to kiss him and call him dar and have him hold me again. That longing.
I used to be the light of his life.. the one who made his life happy and had meaning. Before that, his life was sad and dull he said being with me made him a better person because he started to think about his future and work harder for me.
Sighs.. but, I've gotta move on. And that's it.
2 comments
If you don't know, that means heartache.
I'm stressed about this whole scholarship thing, even though I'm going. I'm stressed about everything else. School is good but yeah, heartache.
It's him. Someone updated me about him recently, it's nothing just that he got a new phone and stuff. I don't want to dwell in this shitty mood anymore but yeah.
Seeing him call other girls boss, or posting on people's walls, or flirting with girls and leaving ♥ and all that, though I know he's not attached now but I know he' s not that sensitive, sweet boy I loved and he'll find some new chick soon and all. Seeing all that reminds me of his life passing by without me. Do you know it's his birthday soon? And it makes me miss him, and I just want to kiss him and call him dar and have him hold me again. That longing.
I used to be the light of his life.. the one who made his life happy and had meaning. Before that, his life was sad and dull he said being with me made him a better person because he started to think about his future and work harder for me.
Sighs.. but, I've gotta move on. And that's it.
Labels: Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain, Life in Rainy School, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain
2 comments
&the time is 11:17 PM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday Today.Why must you be online everytime I am? And why can't you even accept my friend request? Sighs.
I'm still feeling weird going to school. I thought it would hurt a lot but it didn't so much so it's good. Ran laps in the stadium today, and remembered the last time we were there, you were so in love with me that you were holding me so tightly and everyone was teasing us and I was trying to push you away but I couldn't because you were just firmly holding on. That was on our 6 months anniversary, March 22nd 2010. I saw the squash courts we would hang out at, where you saved Clare from the killer squash ball.
I miss being able to annoy you. Seemed like I was forever annoying you. I tickled you, poked you, blew in your ear, and whined at you, until you got immune. You ever told me if I was guy you'd already punch me for disturbing you so.
But yeah. You told your friend that we broke up because you didn't love me anymore, and I know you wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. Besides you're not the kind to get lonely. Well, I don't really know you much anymore.
I'm embarrassed to even talk about this. It's been so long and it's embarrasing seriously. Not to be fine.. I'm ashamed. I think only those who read my blog know how empty I still feel and yeah. Other than that I do all I can to appear fine. To appear strong. But I'm struggling. I don't want to go back to flounder in emoness and be sad anymore. So I stopped. I don't even retweet those heartbreak quotes or whatever anymore. I WANT to seem strong and fine without you. I can live without you. I just wish I could replace you sooner than this.. It still hurts. And it's embarrassing to still hurt because of someone like that. All this because of a guy...? Sighs. There are moments I want to crawl in a hole and die.
I still, kinda love you.
0 comments
I'm still feeling weird going to school. I thought it would hurt a lot but it didn't so much so it's good. Ran laps in the stadium today, and remembered the last time we were there, you were so in love with me that you were holding me so tightly and everyone was teasing us and I was trying to push you away but I couldn't because you were just firmly holding on. That was on our 6 months anniversary, March 22nd 2010. I saw the squash courts we would hang out at, where you saved Clare from the killer squash ball.
I miss being able to annoy you. Seemed like I was forever annoying you. I tickled you, poked you, blew in your ear, and whined at you, until you got immune. You ever told me if I was guy you'd already punch me for disturbing you so.
But yeah. You told your friend that we broke up because you didn't love me anymore, and I know you wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. Besides you're not the kind to get lonely. Well, I don't really know you much anymore.
I'm embarrassed to even talk about this. It's been so long and it's embarrasing seriously. Not to be fine.. I'm ashamed. I think only those who read my blog know how empty I still feel and yeah. Other than that I do all I can to appear fine. To appear strong. But I'm struggling. I don't want to go back to flounder in emoness and be sad anymore. So I stopped. I don't even retweet those heartbreak quotes or whatever anymore. I WANT to seem strong and fine without you. I can live without you. I just wish I could replace you sooner than this.. It still hurts. And it's embarrassing to still hurt because of someone like that. All this because of a guy...? Sighs. There are moments I want to crawl in a hole and die.
I still, kinda love you.
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain
0 comments
&the time is 6:26 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Monday, May 9, 2011
I am so jealous of those people who are never lonely or sad. Those positive people even without a single sad thought. I don't mean like Miss Sunshine. Like those kind of people who are like, huh, lonely? I never think about it. They just shake it off and DON'T GIVE A FUCK. They don't even entertain those sad thoughts and they can just stop thinking when something sad happens.
Isn't that nice? Sighs. Makes me sick to see people being in love on Twitter or Facebook. When you're in love, every love quote seems to describe you. Sometimes I wish he would give me back the photoalbum. He said he threw it away, and yeah. But I'd just want it. For memories' sake. I mean, I remember I loved to go through our pictures in my phone. Made me so happy to see our pictures. Only now I realised I really really loved him a lot, but I didn't admit it in the relationship, I tried not to give it my all. I'm glad I didn't :) I had my guard up I guess, but I still believed him deep in my heart, that'd he never hurt me.
Being strangers really suck. Seeing you online still wrenches my gut like nothing can. I think I've moved on now, but I'll never fully heal. I don't know why. Don't badger me with wise quotes or what. It's just who I am, even if I'm unhappy. I mean, it's nothing like the pain in that first month, when it incapacitated me so much. Compared to that, what I'm feeling is like wonderful. Just a lingering feeling of loss that I think will take forever to heal and forget. I know he hates me a lot. He told others. He hates me so much he doesn't even want me as a Facebook friend.
I feel so nervous now about tomorrow.
Sighs to the max.
0 comments
Isn't that nice? Sighs. Makes me sick to see people being in love on Twitter or Facebook. When you're in love, every love quote seems to describe you. Sometimes I wish he would give me back the photoalbum. He said he threw it away, and yeah. But I'd just want it. For memories' sake. I mean, I remember I loved to go through our pictures in my phone. Made me so happy to see our pictures. Only now I realised I really really loved him a lot, but I didn't admit it in the relationship, I tried not to give it my all. I'm glad I didn't :) I had my guard up I guess, but I still believed him deep in my heart, that'd he never hurt me.
Being strangers really suck. Seeing you online still wrenches my gut like nothing can. I think I've moved on now, but I'll never fully heal. I don't know why. Don't badger me with wise quotes or what. It's just who I am, even if I'm unhappy. I mean, it's nothing like the pain in that first month, when it incapacitated me so much. Compared to that, what I'm feeling is like wonderful. Just a lingering feeling of loss that I think will take forever to heal and forget. I know he hates me a lot. He told others. He hates me so much he doesn't even want me as a Facebook friend.
I feel so nervous now about tomorrow.
Sighs to the max.
Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain
0 comments
&the time is 7:12 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Top 5 Things That Haunts You After A BreakUpYes today I'm making a list! Hooray for that. So, in no particular order:
1. The promises, hopes and plans for the future. Who has never remembered with a jolt that today is supposed to be your anniversary? Or that you were planning to go together to the dance next week? Who has forgotten the promises that the feelings will never change, that he'll always always love you and never ever leave you? Or those times we promised one another "I swear, no matter what happens, I will never ever leave you. I'd always be with you no matter what. Why would I leave? I can't live without you. I need you. " And now, that promise has been broken.
2. The moment you first met. The sweet times when you first met, when you'd never imagine it'd end like this, the times when you first fell in love, and how you swore to never hurt each other. If you had seen the future when you first got together, would you be able to believe it would end as it did?
3. The things you've done together. And this, must be the hardest part. Those sweet names, "bie", "darling", the everyday calls and texts, the gifts you've been given, the places you've gone. Till now I can't go to the beach without remembering that trip we made there. The hugs, the kisses, the movies you've watched, the dinners you've eaten together, the secrets you've shared. The mutual friends, the milestones in the relationship. The pictures.
4. What happens post-breakup. This depends on whether it was a bitter breakup. Mine consisted of me being blocked completely, and yea we never talked again. We're strangers, and that's good in a way. Keeps out hope. But it haunts, too, the way it echoes in your head, how did it end up like this?
5. The things that went wrong or was your fault. Ok this is the worst one. You should never think about this and blame yourself, but it happens. I know I should think about his faults. Like how he'd never do those little things for me, just a simple thing like once I asked him to touch a weird heart shaped bump on my face and he refused because it was weird. He never stood up for me, he rarely showed public affection, he seemed to value his friends' company more. But other than that he was fine. He got jealous but didn't control me, he rarely fought back, he always said sorry first, he tried to make it special, he never gave up on me in the beginning, never talked bad about me even when we fought. Which makes me feel awful for all the things I've done wrong and wish I could take back. Remembering times when he said "You always say you'd never leave me, but why do you always break up with me?"
0 comments
1. The promises, hopes and plans for the future. Who has never remembered with a jolt that today is supposed to be your anniversary? Or that you were planning to go together to the dance next week? Who has forgotten the promises that the feelings will never change, that he'll always always love you and never ever leave you? Or those times we promised one another "I swear, no matter what happens, I will never ever leave you. I'd always be with you no matter what. Why would I leave? I can't live without you. I need you. " And now, that promise has been broken.
2. The moment you first met. The sweet times when you first met, when you'd never imagine it'd end like this, the times when you first fell in love, and how you swore to never hurt each other. If you had seen the future when you first got together, would you be able to believe it would end as it did?
3. The things you've done together. And this, must be the hardest part. Those sweet names, "bie", "darling", the everyday calls and texts, the gifts you've been given, the places you've gone. Till now I can't go to the beach without remembering that trip we made there. The hugs, the kisses, the movies you've watched, the dinners you've eaten together, the secrets you've shared. The mutual friends, the milestones in the relationship. The pictures.
4. What happens post-breakup. This depends on whether it was a bitter breakup. Mine consisted of me being blocked completely, and yea we never talked again. We're strangers, and that's good in a way. Keeps out hope. But it haunts, too, the way it echoes in your head, how did it end up like this?
5. The things that went wrong or was your fault. Ok this is the worst one. You should never think about this and blame yourself, but it happens. I know I should think about his faults. Like how he'd never do those little things for me, just a simple thing like once I asked him to touch a weird heart shaped bump on my face and he refused because it was weird. He never stood up for me, he rarely showed public affection, he seemed to value his friends' company more. But other than that he was fine. He got jealous but didn't control me, he rarely fought back, he always said sorry first, he tried to make it special, he never gave up on me in the beginning, never talked bad about me even when we fought. Which makes me feel awful for all the things I've done wrong and wish I could take back. Remembering times when he said "You always say you'd never leave me, but why do you always break up with me?"
Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Random and Weird in the Rain, Sad in the Rain
0 comments
&the time is 10:01 AM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Tables TurningI have a friend and she had the tables turned on her as well. A guy who would never leave her and all. Dumped her. Only that one was a civil breakup. Like he still acknowledged their sweet memories. Unlike my story, which involves him never regretting turning his back and never acknowledging the sweet memories ever again.
I'm just a bit scared I won't find someone better. Because I do deserve better. Since he wasn't a great boyfriend at all lol.
Anyways today's emo paragraph is over. I'd just like to blog about how I think sometimes I'm a little screwed up.
Ok I do not kill animals or participate in incest FYI.
Sometimes I think I'm really screwed up because since I'm young, I've always contemplated to just kill myself off. Sometimes just for pure curiosity, sometimes when I'm really sad. I've been down a few times in my life. Sometimes I think I deliberately induce that depression. I remember when I was 5 or 6, I stood on my balcony and tried to jump down and my mum asked me why and I said I wondered how it felt like to hit the ground. And she dragged me away.
Don't you think that's a bit disturbing??
And there was once when I was 10 I was convinced that i was a witch. And I snuck out during full moon and chanted nonsense at the moon. WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.
I think that's just really wrong. I mean thank god I didn't go to worshipping Satan. Because he would so want my tormented soul.
And worse of all... When people die, I laugh. Like for real. This laughter just bubbles out of me and I'd laugh. It's sick and weird and I don't know why I'm so screwed up. Like when something really scary happens to someone, I'd laugh also. Like the time my brother hit his head and was unconscious and my mum thought he'd died. I just laughed. I don't know why my emotions are so inappropriate. I mean I feel sad, but my face just acts by itself in a grin.
Sometimes I imagine myself killing people too. Not just people I hate. Just some people that annoy me. Not twisted like chopping them into pieces or eating them.. Just, I want to kill them. Those that I really hate, I have this fantasy when I sneak up to them and chop into their back with an axe and they'd gurgle and die.
That's sociopathic right? I mean we all say "I want to kill her" but it's supposed to be figurative right? No one actually pictures it in images in their heads? But that's super rare. I mean I only get those weird thoughts when I'm really really angry. I've been very detached lately.
Do you think I'm possessed by a demon or something? I think I'm sick in the head sometimes but I think everyone has disturbing thoughts once in a while.. Right?
3 comments
I'm just a bit scared I won't find someone better. Because I do deserve better. Since he wasn't a great boyfriend at all lol.
Anyways today's emo paragraph is over. I'd just like to blog about how I think sometimes I'm a little screwed up.
Ok I do not kill animals or participate in incest FYI.
Sometimes I think I'm really screwed up because since I'm young, I've always contemplated to just kill myself off. Sometimes just for pure curiosity, sometimes when I'm really sad. I've been down a few times in my life. Sometimes I think I deliberately induce that depression. I remember when I was 5 or 6, I stood on my balcony and tried to jump down and my mum asked me why and I said I wondered how it felt like to hit the ground. And she dragged me away.
Don't you think that's a bit disturbing??
And there was once when I was 10 I was convinced that i was a witch. And I snuck out during full moon and chanted nonsense at the moon. WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.
I think that's just really wrong. I mean thank god I didn't go to worshipping Satan. Because he would so want my tormented soul.
And worse of all... When people die, I laugh. Like for real. This laughter just bubbles out of me and I'd laugh. It's sick and weird and I don't know why I'm so screwed up. Like when something really scary happens to someone, I'd laugh also. Like the time my brother hit his head and was unconscious and my mum thought he'd died. I just laughed. I don't know why my emotions are so inappropriate. I mean I feel sad, but my face just acts by itself in a grin.
Sometimes I imagine myself killing people too. Not just people I hate. Just some people that annoy me. Not twisted like chopping them into pieces or eating them.. Just, I want to kill them. Those that I really hate, I have this fantasy when I sneak up to them and chop into their back with an axe and they'd gurgle and die.
That's sociopathic right? I mean we all say "I want to kill her" but it's supposed to be figurative right? No one actually pictures it in images in their heads? But that's super rare. I mean I only get those weird thoughts when I'm really really angry. I've been very detached lately.
Do you think I'm possessed by a demon or something? I think I'm sick in the head sometimes but I think everyone has disturbing thoughts once in a while.. Right?
Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain
3 comments
&the time is 12:08 PM
posted by Ena ♥
♥
Thursday, May 5, 2011
It's Never EasyHello, you do not get to judge me you know. I'm trying to be strong. Every night I face that temptation to view him but yeah I KNOW I SHOULDN'T. I do not go around telling everyone my sob story. I only vent here. So like what's it to you? Sure, it's been so long and time still didn't cure me completely to move on. I mean, I still think of him sometimes. So what?
I know he doesn't want me in his life now. I know he can walk past me like a stranger without remembering what we did together. I know his life is fine now. Why would I want to go disturb him again?
Maybe I just seem like the dumb girl who loved the wrong guy too much and now become the emo wtf ex and yeah, maybe I am. Maybe I took it too seriously and he wasn't the one for me. But still. It's hard geddit?
Like yeah i remember every friday I'd really look forward to seeing him but he'd be late and I'd be upset. Like i'm constantly thinking as him. if my girlfriend is waiting for me i wouldn't want to keep her waiting. I'd rush to see her. But for him, he'd walk slowly, talk to friends, go find someone, and forget me, and when I got mad he'd say can't you just wait extra 5 minutes.
And as time passed if I didn't mention tomorrow meet where we'd just not say. But I'd still wait for him thinking he might show up but yeah no. And when I asked did he look for me he'd say no. Like he didn't care. Which he didn't in those last couple of months. He claimed he was studying and didn't have time to text so I don't know was he avoiding me or what. I guess I was inconsiderate also getting mad and sadder as we contacted less and less. And everytime meet we'd fight and not talk.
JPA out TOMORROW WTF
2 comments
I know he doesn't want me in his life now. I know he can walk past me like a stranger without remembering what we did together. I know his life is fine now. Why would I want to go disturb him again?
Maybe I just seem like the dumb girl who loved the wrong guy too much and now become the emo wtf ex and yeah, maybe I am. Maybe I took it too seriously and he wasn't the one for me. But still. It's hard geddit?
Like yeah i remember every friday I'd really look forward to seeing him but he'd be late and I'd be upset. Like i'm constantly thinking as him. if my girlfriend is waiting for me i wouldn't want to keep her waiting. I'd rush to see her. But for him, he'd walk slowly, talk to friends, go find someone, and forget me, and when I got mad he'd say can't you just wait extra 5 minutes.
And as time passed if I didn't mention tomorrow meet where we'd just not say. But I'd still wait for him thinking he might show up but yeah no. And when I asked did he look for me he'd say no. Like he didn't care. Which he didn't in those last couple of months. He claimed he was studying and didn't have time to text so I don't know was he avoiding me or what. I guess I was inconsiderate also getting mad and sadder as we contacted less and less. And everytime meet we'd fight and not talk.
JPA out TOMORROW WTF
Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain
2 comments
&the time is 10:36 AM
posted by Ena ♥
