My impending birthday fills me with dread.

I remember a few years back when every year I would be filled with wonder and that self-assured smugness that for one day, even if nobody else knew it, the world revolved around me. I did not care if anyone was going to be happy about it, but I was happy about it. I would yap on endlessly telling everybody, counting down obsessively. But now, I dread it, I fear it.

Why? Is it because of the growing expectation and silly rituals associated with a birthday? Or is it simply because I am self-conscious enough to know nobody gives a fuck.

I would like to pretend the day doesn't happen and go on with my life. Please postpone my birthday for just one year, can that happen?

Honestly I trust nobody at all.

No one. I only trust myself alone.

No friends are trusted enough. Not even my boyfriend.

Because I know once anyone knows for real what/how I think, how life looks like from my vantage point, it will drive them all away.

I feel very empty nowadays. I only know how to go on living and breathing and shitting and dreaming, but I realize, I'm one year closer to death. As I type this, I am minutes closer and closer to death.

And I wonder how it will seem like when I have only minutes left, will life be different then? How ironic if the greyness of life turns colourful when it is draining out at the last moment.

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 5:30 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I started reading when I was 8 or 9. It all started when I borrowed an Enid Blyton book home and I couldn't stop reading. I barely understood the words but I was so overjoyed at how I could immerse myself in a book for so many hours. And then began the Journey of Reading, which was a period of some 5 years of my life. I would read everywhere, bring a book everywhere, and read in the middle of class, in my bed secretly after Mum went to bed, and everywhere.

I feel like I've experienced so much through all these books I've read. I think that 50% of what I know doesn't come from my education, but what books I read in my formative years. I had a rich childhood, full of magic and adventure and wonder with every turn of the page.

I dragged my family to read too. We visited 3 libraries every weekend, and when we got home it would be 7 or 8. After all books were borrowed I refused to go ANYWHERE but home to read. I read 4 or 5 books a day on weekends and I would devour them all. In the car between libraries I'd already start reading. My parents were happy but forced to sit in libraries every weekend. I made so many friends at libraries too, while browsing through the many racks. I did increasingly get self-conscious when people stared at me, a little girl borrowing 10-15 books from one library alone (we had multiple memberships).

I would finish all the books before each weekend visit, and photocopy those books that made an impact to me. I didn't have ENOUGH books to read. I must have read all the books in the libraries. It became harder to choose books, because so many had been read! I must have read 500 books a year at least.

I revelled in not only fiction and literature, but also books about space, about the universe, learning about all the planets and their moons, the Egyptians and the Greeks and how they lived, cut-out 3D books about how the medieval people held sieges, books about how trains and escalators work, UNICEF books about all the children and all the cultures in the world, Amazing Facts books about our human bodies, and strange animal habits (our intestines stretched out would be kilometres long! there are butterflies which camouflage themselves to look like dangerous insects!)

I viewed life differently when I read shamelessly, openly, willingly. Now, I've become critical and self-conscious. Certain books I scoff at. Quality of books have dropped. I don't want people to think I'm a bookworm. I wish I could immerse myself in books the way I used to , instead of just occasional "hmm that was a good book" afternoons when I find myself temporarily in that vortex untouched by fatigue, hunger or time.

I miss those simple times in my life when a new adventure started every time I opened a new book; when I felt sad when a book ended; when I dwelled and properly thought about a book that had impacted me, for example poverty, war, child abuse; learning about how the Egyptians lived, about the Roman baths, about the social status of women in Greek, what the children did in their spare time; learned history and inventions of things; learned that Io is fiery and Europa icy (Jupiter's moons); learned so so much, that made me wise beyond my years.

So for that, I'd like to thank all the books which made me who I am today, thank you for teaching me all I need to know, thank you for colouring my childhood, thank you for being my friend when I was lonely, thank you because I was never bored when I was turning the pages, THANK YOU, for all the experiences and adventures you let me live through while sitting in my bed till the wee hours of the morning.

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 8:33 AM
posted by Ena ♥

i surrounded myself with so many people I felt I should hang out with, people who study a lot, are smart, etc. To the point when I realised I wasn’t happy it was too late. Now I realise the friends I want all along, is not the kind whom can teach me about a subject if I’m unsure, but the kind who will go out shopping with me any time any day of the week just because there’s a party coming up.

you know what i’m saying?

in high school i judged people too much. those girls who were loud and always seemed to have SO much fun were all not the studying kind, not the smart kind, and I felt like okay since I'm in the best class I should maintain some boundaries and behave the way I should and befriend those I should. But now I regret a lot. Screw it with grades, kiasu-ness, comparison. I want to have fun, I want to have girlfriends who flunk out of school for all I care but whom I'm able to share a drink with and talk dirt with. To hell with it with judgement and expectations and stereotypes. Good girl, bad girl, they all don't matter.

You only live once. Do what you want to, do what you feel is right.

Labels: Daily Rain, Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 12:02 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I'm very please at my recent deletion from all social networking sites. But I'd like to just make a gentle reminder.

If ever I lose my stress all night because of Whatsapp messages containing vulgarities such as "Come on bitch are you scared",

If ever I try to ignore you and Facebook becomes your battlefield with numerous Facebook posts calling me bitch in plain sight of everybody, to get my attention, and you will not remove it unless I talk to you,

If ever my friends try to protect me from abuse because what graffiti on my wall is supposed to be erased, and you employ your own reasons to justify how it is right to attack someone's Facebook wall just so they will entertain yo.,

If ever I am forced to listen to you or call you when you're angry or I am,

If ever I see any threats or blackmail or "Be very afraid" or anything at all cursing me or my boyfriend to fiery hell,

Then I will take action. Thanks. I hope this line is never crossed.

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 5:32 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I know I shouldn't think that when I start working, my life and ideals will all be gone.

But at the age of 19, i already feel the same feeling of despair as if all my ideals have collapsed around me.

I really, really hate how much time is being wasted.. 8 months of my youth gone in this wretched holiday. No money, no freedom, nothing good out of this wait.

I can't help remembering all my big dreams and ambitions I used to have.. Where have they gone? At this age, I wanted to be published, to be volunteering in Africa, to be backpacking across Europe in a gritty, unwashed state. Call me radical, but these have always been my dreams.

And now? I can barely bring myself to finish a book. I can barely get myself to type a page without giving up. Because the painful truth sets in: If you don't try you won't fail. And frankly, you WILL fail, because you will never be good enough, never will make it big like you thought you would.

I wanted to change the world, to save it. But now? I'm useless. Just another, ordinary person with ordinary problems.

Labels: Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

4 comments

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&the time is 8:53 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Some times I wonder if I'm making a big mistake.

Part of me knows this is the right things to do, chasing my dreams so I don't regret in the future. Of course I feel scared. What if I don't get my offer and I end up with nothing? Or if I don't get my offer and waste my 8 months without even something to look forward to? I keep thinking, I'd be back in KL next week if it wasn't for me wanting to change courses. And I tell myself that's just an 8 month obstacle I have to face in order to achieve my dreams in the coming years. But it is HARD.

I guess I'm glad I never went overseas for an education. Can you imagine? Moving to KL alone makes me feel this way, and I can go back regularly. If I studied in another country and came back guess how lonely and nostalgic I would be? This is plain torture. Maybe not for anyone else. But my life here at home is very cooped up, and added with my constant need to be around people it is my own problem for being this unhappy. Some people who can drive, have car, have money, or have lenient parents, even enjoy being back home. But everytime I'm home after a few days I just want to get back OUT there.

So I keep thinking of the months ahead, the lonely hard months. Somehow I wish I was living in a cramped apartment in KL, working my ass off being broke, and it would still be better than being home. At least there, I feel wanted. Over here, I feel that everyone has forgotten about me and moved on. It's like how when you stand in the sand, there's your footprints in the sand, but when the tide shifts that special niche that belonged to you is gone and swept away.

I have no idea why these months ahead seem so dark and despairing.. Loss of freedom? I find myself some days wanting to just go back to the old course and just going back where I belong instead of chasing my dream, and I have to stop myself.. Sigh..

I'm really unhappy.

Labels: Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 12:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥

When girls say they are lazy to use makeup, or don't know how to, I find it acceptable but to say you don't need makeup is a bit of a self-boost. I find that it's polite for girls to use makeup on important occasions.. for example, going to a wedding with no makeup shows disrespect because you don't even care about the event at all that you don't even try to look your best and you instantly spoil every photo you take by looking ugly. I find it POLITE and RESPECTABLE to use makeup as a girl. I find that as a girl it is only expected that we use makeup! It's just like wearing a skirt, if you're feminine you should wear skirts as well as trousers. Whether you're comfortable or not but beauty is for the beholder not for yourself.

As for the claim that makeup spoils your face, well it only applies if you have perfect skin in the first place. Just because someone uses makeup doesn't mean they are insecure. I like my looks but I use makeup to make them better because I'm a perfectionist that way. It's the equivalent to a person who never dyes, perms or straightens hair for fear of damaging the hair - quality is preserved but the hair looks ugly as it has never been chemically styled.

Just my two cents' worth. As a girl it is only acceptable that you try your best to look good. That feminist crap about no shaving and no makeup and tomboyish-ness is just a ploy for equality, but we can never deny that women will be the fairer sex, and we should use the proper tools to enhance our looks. This doesn't mean we're demonstrating we need men's help and depend on them but just that we have enough self-respect to look good in public.

Look at the magic of makeup!

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 1:02 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Honestly, I don't know what it is I'm truly feeling.

I saw him a few days ago when I was with Marcus and Hong. And it felt so painful and strange and after that I was breathless and messed up afterwards and Marcus asked, why do you feel that way? You only feel this way if you still care about a person or you're pretending not to.

Honestly, truthfully, something I've never admitted to myself. I still think about him sometimes at night. But immediately I block out the thoughts. Sometimes some flash of him comes to mind, snuggled in his arms, or the memory of one of his shirts and then I shut my eyes and erase that from my head. Telling myself it's just residual feelings.

Part of me wishes everything was different. It does. But now, I'm with someone new and I care about him. Life has moved on. But there are so many what-ifs haunting me. Wondering if he's the one who got away.

Maybe I tried to move on so fast but in the end I was just TELLING and FORCING myself to move on so fast that it felt like I was but I haven't. I don't know. But since nothing can be done, what is the point in telling him? I'll let him think i'm over him :)

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 10:31 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I hate people who are stupid. "Stupid" is just another word for lazy. I hate people who don't ever give a fuck about trying hard to get what they want in life.

I hate people who have no goals in life and don't know what they want. They live day from day without anything concrete in the future to aim for. Worse is, I hate people who claim that they are happy to lead a simple life and they are content with daily blessings because AIM BIG, don't be satisfied with such a meaningless existence.

I'd rather people are unhappy with their horrible lives and unsatisfactory jobs and strive to improve than be content with being stuck in a dreamless nutshell full of "simple pleasures".

Maybe I judge too much but life is short. Different people might want different things, true, but what person aims for just a simple happy life and nothing more? People who say life is more than riches, fame and career and it could be just simple pleasures like living in a hut and drinking well water and planting your own crops.

Those are the kind of people I hate.

I guess if the world was completely full of driven people there wouldn't be a social hierarchy.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 10:10 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Anyone who knows me knows that i have a fear of commitment. I spend all my time pretending I don't care and regret it afterwards, but I can't force myself. When I like someone's company beyond just the "oh he's so cute haha i like him" and he shows something back I just feel like running away and freaking out cause I can't handle the pressure. Cute texts, cheesy names, sweet couple pictures. It's not that I don't like them, sure when you're in a relationship this all gives you the fuzzy feelings.

But what's the point of a relationship when it'll end up you hurt someone or you end up with a broken heart? All this while I've just bear with it and forced myself to reply and so on because it's NORMAL, it's EXPECTED, and I don't want to be the weird girl who's alone cause she hates texting and so on. Of course, once I get in a relationship, it's different. Which is precisely why I don't want to get in one.

I expect everything to be happy, and perfect, when I'm in love and in a relationship. I pick fights and get angry. And I don't want that. I like being single for the first time, no fights, I like being alone, it makes me feel strong. I don't want to get in a relationship because I don't want to have my entire mood depend on ONE PERSON and I'll be so dependent on ONE PERSON who can let me down any second. It all freaks me out which is why. Every girl likes commitment, but I never did, in the beginning I just forced myself to be sweet back, then after that we start planning out future blabla which just HURTS more when it's all over.

Don't commit, it's the best way to protect your heart.

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 6:55 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I hate how I always think I am better than people. My one year here in college has humbled me down a lot but at the same time I still feel like I judge people too much.

Not to say judge people, but I categorise someone instantly. Into smart, ambitious, or into fun-loving and irresponsible. Some fall in the middle. Sometimes I feel I am too intense for myself. Every day of my life I am reminded of what I want to achieve in the next 10 years, of how life would be. I spend too much of the present obsessing about the future and how much I want to leave a mark on the world. I'm one of those people (like Voldemort) who would do anything for immortality. Because I simply do not want to leave this world.

Sometimes I envy those fun-loving people who seem to have no worries or cares beyond the immediate moment or maybe tomorrow. I've never had that life. I have been strictly controlled with no free will on my own until recently, and I wonder how I would be if I had been given so much opportunity for fun as they have while I was growing up.

Nevertheless, this is one aspect of myself I'd like to change because I feel like it's not healthy to objectify and label people.

Anyways, I received some pretty good news lately. Honestly, I've been living in fear all this while. Living with regrets over my choice for the future. Wondering if in 5 years time, I would look back and regret upon my choices and be envious of those who are living my dream just because of a stupid mistake I made. It feels like I've been given a second chance to redeem myself and make everyone proud now though. Though it's not a sure thing, yet hope is there now. I don't have to walk through Monash with a heavy heart staring at the building I wonder if I would ever set foot in, or looking at my friends and wondering if they would forget me if we parted ways. I'm very glad now that I know what I want to do, I have the chance to do it. Indeed it feels like a silver lining behind my cloud. Suddenly all my pain and problems this past few months seem hardly worth mentioning, because finally what matters most in the long run looks promising. :)

Also, I have realised that to love, is to be selfless, and let a person go so that they will be happy. To smile when they are happy, instead of wondering why you are not their happiness, is courage, and that's called love.

 

Labels: Happy in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 11:03 PM
posted by Ena ♥

When i see people who failed spm and say stuff like "god has better plans for me" i'm like WHAT? excuses losers come up with. I cannot stand people who thank god for everything. I think if I become a doctor and save someone's life and that person says "God saved me" I would literally kill that person because Goddammnit, I'm the one who fucking saved you!

Yea yea, some people just have such an unbelievably strong faith but still, I cannot stand it when let's say someone drops their cellphone and it wouldn't start and few days later it became okay again and hence it became "God helped me! What a miracle! Without God my phone would be sent to the repair shop!"

No idiot, your phone just wasn't smashed hard enough. Unbelievable. Every single good thing that happens is "God's work." Look at me, I got this far and I don't think I owed one single bit to God except being born into this world as I did it for myself. I would never be so humble to say "I only got 100 for my test because God helped me!"

NO. I studied hard for it and I got 100. Yay for ME.

Same goes for, "I got 15 for a test, but it's okay, God is just giving me a trial. He has better things for me ahead."

NO IDIOT. You are just stupid and flunked it and comforting yourself with God-talk.

Stupid things people say annoy me.

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 6:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Going to express a deep post now.

I find I am more often a better person now than when I was a little girl. Is there such a thing as being born evil? With the risk of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I was a twisted child. It all started when I was 7 or 8.  I had violent fantasies about killing people I hated, like teachers, classmates, sometimes even my brother. Seriously violent for an 8 year old, involving blood and gore. I did awful things like vandalise my classroom, thrash the tables, and all the while I maintained an innocent, quiet little girl the teachers loved because I was always top of the class. I did things like, in the early morning when I went to teacher's office, I saw a stack of exam papers on her desk, and I looked up my enemy's paper and erased a few answers and recoloured other bubbles so she got a low mark. That was all in my prepubescent years mind you. I had a way of being this scheming evil girl and I was very intelligent for my age at that time as I had been fed all these encyclopedias and philosophy books.

But I turned out okay in the end even though I always suspected I was psychotic or something. During my teenage years, I hit the EMO stage. In the first few years I'd resort to eating disorders, self-mutilation, antisocialness, all while harbouring some grudge inside me. I think that a few key events happened in high school that reshaped who I was. I became a better person, at first just to show people, but finally it rooted. I also became more mature and I can now control my rage better. I used to throw tables around and break 5 pencils at once whenever I was angry. I'd scratch the walls in rage.

But now, I find myself to be altogether healthier. One thing that has rooted me through my life is ambition. Knowing that people are judgmental made me even more determined for ambition. I used to wish for world domination, and so on, but now I just want to understand the world a little better. I used to wish I would be immortal, or would die with my name known by all, but now I just wish that I'll die with no regrets.

P.S I sounded like the little girl from Orphan the way I described myself. I wasn't THAT bad la I was quite cute and charming too. Many my insecurity made me see myself in this evil little girl way

as customary, a picture of myself. post-evil days.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 5:34 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I think I've become more matured now because

a) I can go out of my house without makeup now. I still put in an effort to look good, but I no longer think my bare face is so ugly that I won't have friends left.

b) I can sustain long distance friendships. It's been almost a year since I left, and I feared that when I came back everyone would have forgotten me, but my friends are still there for me. When we get together, it's like nothing has changed. Everyone has moved on with their lives but at the same time we're still in each other's hearts.

c) I can form platonic friendships with guys. Lol this is a big deal for me, I used to be the most Un-Friendzone girl ever. I fell in love with any guy friend I had whom I was close to.

d) I can accept that there are people you will always care about but can't be with.

e) I actually chia my brother things like some big sister person.

f) I can listen to love songs/be around couples after a breakup without feeling bitter.

g).... There are more.

But I don't think I'll ever grow up to stop being vain :)

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

12 comments

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&the time is 9:04 AM
posted by Ena ♥

When your heart is broken it is the saddest thing in the world. All your energy leaves you and everything in your life seems to lose all meaning. You gave your heart and soul to this love, and now it is no more. How can your heart ever be whole again? There is a very deep thought attributed the Mystical Rabbi of Kotzk, "there is nothing as whole as a broken heart".

Source: Heartbreak Poems - Poems about Heartbreak http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/sad_love/heartbreak-poems.asp#ixzz1m4J4LfNt

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 2:38 AM
posted by Ena ♥

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RRs0Vis_X4&w=420&h=315]

Boyfriend showed me this video. Now I'd like to blog about it.

Ok, I've always been an avid supporter of plastic surgery. From Xiaxue, to Leng Yei, I always have been. I admire those who are brave enough to endure pain to change something about themselves. To modify, and upgrade themselves.

This was my English Oral topic by the way LOL.

I have always hated my nose! And I know my first paycheck will go to my nose job fund! No car, not house, not clothes, but my nose. My nose is not cute, or okay. It is fugly, and not what I wanted. So if your argument is that I can't choose what features to be born with, my parents gave me this face, then yes I agree. But I CAN choose to artificially modify it, can't I?



I mean. If you have the money and freedom to do it, do it. Not because of boyfriend, peer pressure or anything, but for yourself.

I quote from some random blog I read long ago, there are 3 types of people in the world.

First person did plastic surgery and is proud and happy to admit it. Second person did it and denies it (like Dawn). Third person is a person who didn't do it but hates how she looks and is forever complaining.

Honestly is plastic surgery that much different than someone who makes up every day. My mum herself has tattooed eyebrows and eyeliner. Because she said, no difference since she does eyebrows and eyeliner everyday. If I am the kind of girl who shades her nose and spends hours drawing eyeliner to make eyes bigger etc, then why not just do it? There is no difference since makeup also makes you look different than the original face you were born with, and no one is ever going to see your original face underneath the constant makeup anyways. No difference with surgery at all.

All I can say is, I'm looking forward to having a beautiful nose. People may tell me I am beautiful the way I am, but I myself is not satisfied. And when I do it, regardless of pain or prejudice, I'll be very proud of it and love myself a lot more!

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 6:31 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be sensitive (despite the title LOL), or denouncing anyone's religion. This is not a rant in any way.

 

Was reading up the case of Lina Joy online and I conclude it's a shame and disgrace to the Malaysian constitution. Apostasy, apparently is illegal in Malaysia because of Shariah laws, but then the Constitution states that everyone has their freedom to practice their own religion.

Everyone should be given the freedom of choice. Just because a person is born Malay does not mean that person should be blindly forced to embrace Islam from birth. I speak from the point of view of the stories of the secret converts I found on BBC. Imagine, how difficult it is. To have to migrate to another country, face violence and opposition from members of the public, not being able to work, being cut off from one's family. Or being in love with someone who is non-Muslim, and face the pain and anguish on both sides about conversion, or migration, and so on.

I quote from Wikipedia:

The dissenting Chief Judge of Sabah and Sarawak Datuk Richard Malanjum wrote that "Hence, in my view this is tantamount to unequal treatment under the law. In other words it is discriminatory and unconstitutional and should therefore be struck down. For this reason alone, the relief sought for by the appellant should be granted, namely for a declaration that she is entitled to have an identity card in which the word 'Islam' does not appear."

 

This leads me to reflect on myself. I am glad I am given the freedom to make my own choices. But like every member of the society, I too face pressures from family, friends, loved ones and so on. I find it sickening when there is an organized and methodical way of  campaigning for a spread of a certain religion, be it door-to-door or just sitting at your favourite coffee shop and having a group of strangers mercilessly attack you with bookmarks or whatnot.

Often times people ask me "Why don't I have faith? Why don't I just embrace it?"

Well it's simple. I just have never been touched by faith. Maybe not yet. I don't believe in absolutes. Maybe I'll be religious in a couple years. But right now, I find it practical to not pretend I have any sort of faith in the divine. This does not mean I go around murdering baby bunnies and cooking soup from babies. It simply means it is my free will and choice.

Firstly, I believe in evolution. Which basically rules out every religion in the world (feel free to enlighten me in comments below). Secondly, to me, as an agnostic, I find that should religion be true, it would be of pure love, and not some cruel system where the divine one makes a person to test him or her and despite great love for the person decides to throw them into a fiery pit of hell. The concept of heaven and hell to me, is terrible. I'd rather believe in reincarnation. Also, some scriptures of religion pose some ethical problems within themselves. (Though of course, a religion shouldn't be judged by its writings.) In most of them, over half the deaths in those holy books are caused by the divine one himself. Practically every page goes like, this guy is evil, and the Divine One throws him into hell as punishment. Maybe they are meant to serve as lessons, but if they literally mean what they say, then i disapprove.

I'm not saying religion is bad. Far from it. I'd also like to believe in life after death. But I don't want to think that just because I don't believe in someone, though I'm a good person, I shall thus be barbequed for all eternity. Religion brings out good in people, undoubtedly. Gives people meaning, and purpose, and of course, puts a person's soul at peace. Monks, and priests and so on, I have huge respect for them for being so selfless.

What is wrong is when religion is used to start wars, or for corruption, or for selfish reasons, then I find it just.. *shakes head*

I neither believe nor disbelieve in a God. But I'd like to be able to make my own choices and believe in my own miracles. Think I'm a heathen/pagan who goes through life meaninglessly without once giving a thought to religion? Instead, I find my thoughts on life after death and the origins of life all too frequently. A result of overthinking, sleeplessness and overlong showers.

I'd also like to see humanity without being bordered, shackled, and wrenched apart from religion. In fact, religion should bring people together. I'd also like to believe that life is not a mere game created by a divine being, and also that this being loves me so much that he/she wouldn't throw me into a suffering pit of fire just simply because I did not have faith in life. Everyone know there are many factors in life which contributes to many consequences.

Interestingly, I believe in fate and karma. At any rate, I believe all humans should be nice to each other. I've done my good deed of the day. (HAHA I sound like an Enid Blyton book).

What is important is, live your life to the fullest. It may be the only one you've got to prove yourself or simply to LIVE :)

 

 

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

5 comments

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&the time is 4:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I guess some people might think I am a very kiasu person. Why do I always want to be better than others, why can't I be content with what I have?

Well, failure is never an option to me.

I don't come from a rich family. I come from what I can even say is a poor family. We have enough to eat and pay bills, that's all. Nothing more for luxuries, vacations, new cars or shopping sprees. My parents can't afford to send me abroad for education. They can't even pay a few thousand to send me to a private university. So I'm grateful I have free education now.

I don't blame them. Circumstances forced them into not having enough education to make life better. I grew up seeing how being poor really was. Back when my dad's business was booming, my aunts and cousins constantly came over, with gifts of soup and herbs and so on. After he suffered losses, now they barely even acknowledge him.

My mum bred me growing up with the thinking that, the only way people are going to respect you if you're rich or gifted. So since an early age, I know that I'm going to work hard and show everyone, "hey I'm not rich, so what? I can still be better than you. " I'm going to get so filthy rich till everyone will be begging money from me or my parents. And everyone who has ever looked down on my parents, well they're going to be freaking jealous that their daughter has made millions for them.

Poor people work harder. Is that true? I don't know. But all I know is that education is so important to me. That's why I want to be better than everyone in studies. I have been the source of my parents' pride. I took their words to my heart. Everytime my mum told me a story, she'll say "Girl, must study hard. Mummy and daddy have no money. That doesn't mean you can't get a better life. Must study hard, so people don't look down on you like they look down on us. You must prove them wrong and have a bright future."

That's why I detest people who take life for granted and who throw away education like that. Maybe different people have different skills. Maybe they're better off working and quitting school right? But still. I just treat them as stupid idiots.

I've heard people say, "Wah, you people aren't rich, but quite lucky to have a brainy daughter in your family!" It's both flattering and stinging at the same time. I'm going to show them, fuck you, I'll be a fucking millionaire, and I'm going to be great. Just watch.

I'm not using a sob story to instil any moral values or whatsoever. I think even if I was rich, I'd still study hard because I'm just driven that way. But because I'm not, I don't take it easy. I don't expect my parents to be able to bail me out if I fail, or for them to buy me expensive stuff, I know how to think for myself. Life is short, and you require ambition to live a full life. Think I'm being intense? You can be carefree and so on. But in 10 years, let's see.

So yea, I'm going to be as smart as I can, as good as I can, and I'm going to make everyone know that I come from a good family, whether we're rich or not. I'm polite, I know culture, and I'm going far in life. I'm not smart, but with a will there's a way. No one is looking down on me ever again. Mark my words.

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 5:17 AM
posted by Ena ♥

These days I have been wondering a lot. As I always do.

My brain never rests. Except when I'm drunk. Which is something I'd rather not repeat again.

Always I've been seeking to break out of the nerd mold, and be wild and so on. But now, I feel like. Once I tread on that path I won't be able to find my way back.

Coming here has made me change a lot. I guess distance from my family makes me treasure them more. Anxiety attacks everyday. I waste my credit calling my parents everyday, because I'm scared when the phone rings and it's them. I'm scared I'll hear that someone has gotten into an accident, or Dad had a heart attack, or we got robbed, or anything. I'm so worried.

I don't get why people bother to do so much when everyone inevitable leaves anyways.

I have also realised that perhaps this blog isn't as bimbotic as i make it out to be.

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 9:22 PM
posted by Ena ♥

So I had a near death experience.

I'm sure it wouldn't count compared to being resuscitated from drowning or what but I really, really saw my life flash before my eyes. I was in a rush to cross the road as usual, and didn't notice a car was coming from a turn to the right. As I dashed across, I saw the car's white bumper rush larger and larger towards me, and I just froze in the middle of the road and I saw images in my head, from my earliest memory at 3 years old, to primary school, to now. I didn't want to die.

I didn't wanna die unloved, ignored, and uncared for.

Then I heard the screeching of brakes, and the car's engine died. The driver was getting out of the car, and I just ran and ran and ran.

That was the scariest experience I have ever had. I have never felt so close to death as I did. I'm lucky to be alive.

Anyhow, among my many last thoughts were the fact that just a month ago, I was so happy here and now, I'm feeling so alone. I feel like I have no one (but him). And it's a sucky feeling. Have you ever felt like you don't have a friend in the world? A close friend? That's the feeling I'm feeling now. And it's just ironic how happy and connected and many-friends-I-have feeling I had just a few short weeks before.

It's my birthday in 4 days, and I'm alone.

Sometimes, I miss primary school. Though I was young, immature, and there were some people who didn't like me (Story behind that one) there was no backstabbing, no unbearable meanness, and I had the best knit friends ever, and we swore to never part and always be together till death do us part. Then age changed us, to be cynical, to be distant, to grow apart, to scoff at silly promises, to stop calling, to stop remembering that dream and that promise.

People say I'm friendly. Then why don't they like me?

I bade goodbye to my Uncle's maid just now. He went to Genting from Singapore and his maid was there. She's my age and her contract expires on the 18th. She's going home to Indonesia. She told me, when I was there, how much she missed home and so on. And I gave her a hug just now, telling her goodbye and take care. I knew that it'd be the last time I'd ever see her again.

If only I had known it would be the last time I would see these people, I'd have said something. Done something. If I had known it would be the last time I'd ever see Pam again, I'd have told her I'm sorry I would stop calling. If I had known it would be the last time I'd see Rach, I'd tell her that though we all would change, I'd always love her like that best friend I'll never have again.

If I had only known it was the last time I'd ever see you.

It's so hard to open up to people nowadays. So hard to bond and trust. It's easy, for me to smile and act silly and engage in conversation with someone, and talk earnestly till morning, but it's hard for me to wake up the next day knowing full well that person could totally backstab me or perhaps totally forget whatever we shared, like people our age do. We bond, then forget we ever bonded because there's some hierarchy involved.

It's always hard for me to let things go. Always. I always carry everything I hold dear, close inside. I still do, to this day. This is why I feel so heavy so many times. I'm tired. My heart aches from the burdens. My mind grieves for what is lost. My steps are getting smaller and smaller, because it's hard to go on.

Sometimes I wonder when I'll sink from all this, when it grows so heavy I can't hold myself up anymore.

It's like watching a leaf spiral down from a branch, as it lets go of where it has always lived, it spins and spins and at first there's something carefree to it, like it's happy to be free, then you realise its desperate to go back, but it's too late as gravity drags it, spinning to the ground, because it's simply too heavy to hold on to the tree anymore. Or maybe, the tree just wants to relieve its burdens, shedding memories as it goes.

Read between the lines.

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 1:07 AM
posted by Ena ♥