Have you ever felt an intense feeling of self hate? When you look in the mirror and you just hate and hate on your appearance.

I feel so threatened all the time by pretty people, I look up to them and loathe them at the same time. Growing up I have always felt so ugly. I'm extraordinarily small and skinny and unattractive, and I still have these anxiety issues all the time even now. I can't walk in public places alone. I am petrified, and I feel everyone is STARING AT ME, and I can't put one feet ahead of the other, I trip over my own feet, and I don't know what to do with my own arms, do I swing them? put them in my pockets?

It's the stupidest thing you've heard right? Forgetting how to walk when you're anxious. How about forgetting to breathe? I'm always so breathless when talking to strangers because I forget to breathe. I can never relax, I am always so anxious. I'm not sure if I'm bordering on anxiety disorders. I used to have panic attacks when I was growing up, from 8 till I was 15. I had these QUIET attacks where the world seems so scary all of a sudden, and my stomach muscles clench up and then I will ball my fists tightly and try to breathe till the feeling passes. And no one knows, except for the few times it happened in a mall with my family, and my mum was calling me and I was just frozen in spot.

I sound like a nutjob. I have these little quirks which I'm not sure are OCD or whatsoever, like I need to count the number of streetlights on each street when I drive down one of them. Or the fact that when I'm watching something I memorise the subtitles and if I don't get it in my head I replay and replay the scene and only proceed to the next scene when I've got it memorised in me. That is why I take so long to finish a series, and also the reason why I like going to movies or watching TV, because no one can slow it down for me so I relax and enjoy it instead of being anal. Sometimes the subs are so bad in cinemas that I actually relax because they are so bad I wouldn't understand them anyways.

I don't like smiling because I hate my teeth. I have horrible, ugly, deformed teeth and I wish I never had to open my mouth because I look so pretty when my mouth is closed. I had a bad orthodontic experience growing up, had too many teeth extracted, and I didn't know better. My family never considered braces either. I have big buckteeth. One of my worst problems has been corrected: a 60degree rotation of one of my front teeth, but still it's not a pretty sight. I think people are appalled when they see my teeth, and some ask me if I smoke, and it takes every ounce I have not to cover my mouth and run away, but I just say "No, these are just natural stains from my sucky ass genetics" and smile with my mouth closed.

I have an ugly nose, a flat chest, no height to call mine, and in fact there's not one thing I like about myself. I have an ugly neck, ugly limbs, ugly fingers and toes, and I wish if I was to be reincarnated I would be born into the body of a better-looking person, because sometimes I feel it's all that matters, when you can look in the mirror and like what you see.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

1 comments

---

&the time is 11:55 PM
posted by Ena ♥

What started as a foolish dream as a child.. Now hurts so much, knowing I've never been further from my dream. It hurts to have an aspiration as young as 3, and to know for certain when you're 18, that it is never going to happen. Poised for an eternity of being here.

My dream was to be a journalist in New York City. This has been my dream for years and years. I knew the maps of the city by heart, everything, yet I failed to do what I could have to chase my dream. I was too comfortable in my own zone, in what I knew I was good in, too afraid to take a chance.

And now I will never know how living my dream feels like.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 8:41 AM
posted by Ena ♥

 

 

I miss my baby

Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 7:49 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I know I shouldn't think that when I start working, my life and ideals will all be gone.

But at the age of 19, i already feel the same feeling of despair as if all my ideals have collapsed around me.

I really, really hate how much time is being wasted.. 8 months of my youth gone in this wretched holiday. No money, no freedom, nothing good out of this wait.

I can't help remembering all my big dreams and ambitions I used to have.. Where have they gone? At this age, I wanted to be published, to be volunteering in Africa, to be backpacking across Europe in a gritty, unwashed state. Call me radical, but these have always been my dreams.

And now? I can barely bring myself to finish a book. I can barely get myself to type a page without giving up. Because the painful truth sets in: If you don't try you won't fail. And frankly, you WILL fail, because you will never be good enough, never will make it big like you thought you would.

I wanted to change the world, to save it. But now? I'm useless. Just another, ordinary person with ordinary problems.

Labels: Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

4 comments

---

&the time is 8:53 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Today I think i might talk about something not many people know about me.

It struck me today that I don't really have many close friends. And I wonder why is that? What is wrong with me?

Forgive me if you are a close friend who is reading this, but I do feel very lonely this time.

I attributed it at first to my attitude before. I always had difficulty forming close intimate bonds. I have commitment issues. I used to mock those people with the friendship bracelets and so on but thinking back, maybe I was jealous.

I've never really had a best friend. Since I was 12? I never had a best friend. And that makes me feel lonely.

I have friends who are shy/quiet/ reclusive/not really a mushy wushy person either but they have a safely comfortable family of friends to call their own.

I'm not really saying I want a clique.. More like, if I got married next week, I'd have no one to be my bridesmaids. I've formed almost no lasting close friendships. I don't have any lifelong old friends that I've kept in touch with. Maybe I'm to blame because I didn't make an effort to keep in touch. Everyone who was a close friend is either busy, we don't hang out anymore, they hang out with new people now, or we just don't have much common ground to talk about anymore.

Perhaps I've changed and so has everyone.

In college? I feel that I have lots of friends. I'm friendly and I enjoy people's company. But when it comes to the close details, I am always left out. People don't ask me to their outings. It puzzles me. We seem to talk so much and have so much to talk about.. But when it comes to this or that, I am never the one who is called.

I know it sounds pathetic. But I don't know. If it's just I haven't met the right friends yet or maybe it's something to do with my personality that people can't get close to. I don't enjoy communicating as in texting, skyping and so on, so you can hardly count on me to reply texts with friends and so on. I barely even text my own boyfriend, I don't like texting or chatting either. I like just meeting up and talking face to face. Maybe that's why? I am always scared to open up to people.. I am scared people will judge me. Like how I used to lie when I was younger cause I was poorer than my friends and didn't want people to know. But it feels that even when I try to open up, nothing comes of it.

People do see me as someone who dislikes being grouped with a group of friends too I feel. They see me as someone who enjoy being independent and etc. But at times, I just want at least one friend I can count on to not feel awkward with, to not leave me out, to be able to talk to about ANYTHING, to care about me and to be there for me if I wake up in the middle of the night in tears.

Until now, I don't know what is wrong with me which hinders people from seeing me as a close, true friend. Can someone enlighten me? I never try to be offensive or overly sarcastic.. Yet I find that no one places me of importance in their life. What is that barrier around me? Do I put up a wall around people which prevents people from befriending me? I know I'm not the easiest person. When I'm in a good mood, I talk nonstop, but when I'm upset or what, I'm a very quiet person. I might have a few awkward silences of my own and I have difficulty spending too much time with people.. If i go out all night and all day with the same person (even boyfriend) I feel very smothered. At home, after socialising a few hours I need to lock up alone in my room for a while. But I know a lot of people like that too, but they all have close best friends.

Maybe I just haven't met the right group of people with the same thinking and interests? I don't know. I've long accepted that no matter how hard I try to be smart, funny or nice and likeable, I'm just not a charismatic person who is liked by first sight, aka "ren jian ren ai." I know people whom everyone immediately likes and immediately wants to call out to every outing , whereas I remain one of those that people like, just never see as of any weightage.

I only pray one day that I am able to make lasting bonds and be able to be those people on Facebook I am so jealous of with all their "I am so lucky to have these friends!"

I feel seriously lonely. I've tried to stay in touch but it seems that I have to be the one making tremendous effort to call people out and I am still constantly left out. There comes a time when I give up asking people out and waiting to see if they would even think about me enough to want to see me.

Labels: Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 7:03 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Some times I wonder if I'm making a big mistake.

Part of me knows this is the right things to do, chasing my dreams so I don't regret in the future. Of course I feel scared. What if I don't get my offer and I end up with nothing? Or if I don't get my offer and waste my 8 months without even something to look forward to? I keep thinking, I'd be back in KL next week if it wasn't for me wanting to change courses. And I tell myself that's just an 8 month obstacle I have to face in order to achieve my dreams in the coming years. But it is HARD.

I guess I'm glad I never went overseas for an education. Can you imagine? Moving to KL alone makes me feel this way, and I can go back regularly. If I studied in another country and came back guess how lonely and nostalgic I would be? This is plain torture. Maybe not for anyone else. But my life here at home is very cooped up, and added with my constant need to be around people it is my own problem for being this unhappy. Some people who can drive, have car, have money, or have lenient parents, even enjoy being back home. But everytime I'm home after a few days I just want to get back OUT there.

So I keep thinking of the months ahead, the lonely hard months. Somehow I wish I was living in a cramped apartment in KL, working my ass off being broke, and it would still be better than being home. At least there, I feel wanted. Over here, I feel that everyone has forgotten about me and moved on. It's like how when you stand in the sand, there's your footprints in the sand, but when the tide shifts that special niche that belonged to you is gone and swept away.

I have no idea why these months ahead seem so dark and despairing.. Loss of freedom? I find myself some days wanting to just go back to the old course and just going back where I belong instead of chasing my dream, and I have to stop myself.. Sigh..

I'm really unhappy.

Labels: Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 12:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I just came back from my Grandpa's funeral and I am very tired as he lives in a village back in the depths of Sarawak and I'm bitten and bruised and my skin is inflamed all over because I am sensitive to pollen and insect bites.

It was a very elaborate and noisy and grand funeral. I never knew there were so many customs. The last funeral I attended was my grandmother's 11 years ago.

I went up by bus with mom and bro because Dad drove up really early for preparations. Grandpa passed in his sleep, he got up earlier to go to the bathroom but fell down and cried for help, and my uncle helped him up and back to bed. The next morning, he could not be woken up already.

It was scary when I arrived at his house because he was placed on a pedestal, dressed in a samfoo and in front of him was an altar with food, drinks, and the joss sticks. I could not pray with a joss stick because I was 'dirty' and there was no electricity so I was scared at first. All grandchildren wore blue and the children and their spouses in white. The grandchildren with different surname (mother side's grandfather) had a red and blue wristband. I only had blue. My little brother, being the eldest son of my grandpa's eldest son, was the "Big Grandchild."

We were not allowed to wear red, talk loudly or wear jewelry. But my aunts did talk and catch up as many have not seen each other for a long time. It's sad how families end up this way. I never saw my grandpa much. Perhaps more when I was a toddler and he lived in Kuching but after he moved Dad never stayed in touch either and after that I only saw him a few times and I did visit him in hospital the time he was admitted. After he was released we were all relieved because we had expected him to die in the hospital. However, there are A LOT of politics involved in my family, about lands, there are age-old vendettas from childhood, scandals about brothers stealing other brothers' grain and a lot of "cutting off" and things like that.

We folded paper money for Grandpa the whole night. There were other stuff I couldn't understand because I don't read Chinese and I'm not proficient in Hakka, the main dialect there. It was very grand and dramatic. I found out that when people die you're supposed to donate to them. Mum was shocked when she heard that someone donated a large sum to my dad and she said next time if that person has a death in her family we have to pay the same amount as it's custom. However, my dad and his siblings donated a lot of the money to the various associations like the Hakka Clan, the Farmer's Association so that it would be a grander ceremony and these associations would send their representatives to pray to him and also to send their ?gong-beaters? and beat the gongs during the procession. There were other Chinese papers stuck here and there which I couldn't understand. We also couldn't kill insects in the house in case it was Grandpa.

My Grandpa 'chut ping' at 1pm and my family had roles to play. Males on one side, females on one side. The master of the customs prayed and we knelt a lot. We all had to tie a cloth around our heads as mourners, white for children, blue for grandchildren. Daddy and bro had to carry the tongkat and wear special hats as they were the eldest sons. Mum, as the eldest daughter-in-law, also had a role to play. She disappeared very early on and in turns out she had to come with a huge joss stick and toss the ashes in Grandpa's grave and then stick it onto his burial gravestone which was side by side with my grandmother's. Then she had to hide away in the forest (lol) and no one could see her as it was pantang.

After the praying in the house and the tossing of the kidney shaped pieces my grandpa was willing to go. Also, they put him in the coffin and before that they placed a lot of clothes and paper money in the coffin. Dad had to feed him rice as a symbol and the daughters covered him with a white cloth. Grandpa looked very grand in his sam foo and beautiful shoes. Then they used an axe to chop the supporters of the coffin and other rituals and all I knew was once you left the house you must NOT step back inside.

We started our journey to the graveyard with the hearse in front and the gong-beaters second, followed by us. We reached there and did more prayers and burial rites and it was really, really hot and I felt very faint from hunger and fatigue. Then we went to serve food, like pig's head and so on for grandpa and also offerings to the god of the soil to protect my grandpa.

After that we went back home and shortly after, we came down to Kuching. It saddens me every time I see how old people are treated, but at least we gave Grandpa a proper funeral.

Labels: Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain

1 comments

---

&the time is 9:02 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Hi everyone. Something sad happened to me these days. I missed my flight back home because the gate closed too early and I'm stranded here while everyone is home. I feel very lonely and sad and homesick and I had to lug all my luggage back to SMR when jusr hours ago I was packing and weighing in anticipation for moving back home.

It gets pretty quiet at home and the weekends are okay, because of him, but the weekdays are pure torture and I wake up at 3 everyday and sleep at 6, and I only eat one meal a day and I cry every night.

You told me when I first started dating him, that before this you still had feelings for me. Then now, you said you still have feelings for me also but you're forcing yourself to move on. I ask you, how can you say you have feelings for me but not put in any effort at all? If you had feelings for me, but didn't show it AT ALL, how can you say you had any? 

But nevertheless. I'm good these days. He's still in that stage when he wants to see me all the time and he cares about me a lot. I don't know how long this honeymoon phase will last but I'm enjoying it as it is :) the track record for guys I've dated before indicates after a while the guy dulan and takes me for granted and stops the effort but I hope that I've become different enough to overcome this problem. In the meantime I'm preparing myself for the fall again (always the cautious woman) by not depending too much or relying too much and being clingy. And of course, less hopes, less expectations.

Labels: Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 6:01 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I dislike it when people are self-righteous.

I seriously do. I mean, you asked me to tell you my problems. I was scared you wouldn't listen but you said you do and you wanna know. Then when I told you that I've been continuously depressed up and down these few days for no concrete reason you start yelling at me for being an emo  bitch. Do you think this is what I need? Sure, it's easy to say "be positive and change your mindset." If everyone can do it, though, why are there crazy people in the world? Why are there people facing depression? Why are there people who are alcoholics, drug users? Do you go to a depressed person and yell at them till they cheer up? Do you go to a crazy person and shake them till they become sane?

This is why I want to talk to no one. Because everyone will give the same advice which I know isn't going to help me in any way except as comfort and someone to talk to. But I trusted you and told you. Instead of being a friend you started saying things to me like "oh if you don't want to take my advice and help yourself then no one can help you then don't ever come find me anymore and go live your miserable life and die alone". Honestly, isn't it so EASY to ask a person to just cheer up? You yourself has been through tough times and know it's not so easy to just "be positive and happy." And when a person fails to suddenly cheer up overnight do you get angry at a person for failing? No. If you care about me, then you'd help me get there, not attack me.

It's as hurtful as someone saying "just go slit your wrists la" when you're sad. Which happened to me from someone else.

But bottom line is, I shared my secrets with you and all you can do is yell at me and say "You never change/you never listen/no one can help you/just continue being miserable and don't come to me anymore." Not only leaving me alone but also increasing my self-loathing.

It's like kicking someone when they're already on the ground. It's cruel, and hurtful, and makes me just more unable to trust. You have so much anger directed at me, each time we speak it's just "You're always like that, making assumptions and never listening to others. You never change." So much blame and hatred and annoyance directed at me with so much anger. When I am trying my best to carry on. You ASKED me to share with you, yet after I opened up and told you, all you can do is blame me for "not being strong and not being positive."

Thanks a lot for making me worse. The worst thing is how you still think you're the one who is right and good and different since you're the hero who gave me advice and I'm the idiot who didn't listen to your advice. Just think about it, were you really trying to help me or did you just plunge me deeper into depression because you can't handle your anger?

Just remember you are the one who caused my emotional scars. Please don't have the nerve to still act like all the blame's on me.

Labels: Sad in the Rain, Standard

0 comments

---

&the time is 9:18 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I don’t think I’ll ever be the one who breaks up in a relationship. No matter how unhappy, I’ll always hang on and never have the heart to truly end it. Maybe because I never let go, maybe because I know I’ll be scared to be alone. I will never be that selfish to end it, I think. I’ll just force myself to go on.

I've been told if you ask someone to stay it'll just be forcing someone to have feelings they don't feel. I wonder how it feels to not have feelings for someone so suddenly. I wonder how it's like to suddenly NOT love someone. At times it's still so hard to accept, especially when you have the past haunt you. Maybe I feel that I'll never have the heart to hurt someone even when I'm unhappy is because even when I am unhappy, I still care about that person.

I’ve never known how to stop loving someone. I’ve never known how it feels like. I love deeper and deeper with the passing of time, I’ve never known how it is to suddenly realise you don’t care about someone anymore. Maybe I'm just built to love and never stop.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 9:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I have been crying quietly all day.

We used to go out every day. We used to smile whenever we saw each day, move closer for a hug and to hold hands. Everytime, I just want to go back to that beautiful moment. I just want to ask you if we can try again and recapture what has been lost before it’s gone forever. I just want to feel that happy as I used to, like a fairytale, which I took for granted.

But I know it’s foolish, and that no matter how much I want it, you can’t try again and go back. Because you don’t feel that way anymore, you don’t miss me anymore. You don’t want me anymore. You don’t want to see me, to talk to me. You have walked away, and left me with all the memories. You have left me, all alone now with no one to break my fall.

How I wish that you would still care.. But not one action of yours has shown that to me at all. If anything bad happens to me, there’s nothing but coldness or ignorance from you. How I miss those days when all I had to do was sound slightly down before you would keep calling me and asking me what was wrong.

I used to not be able to go a day without seeing you. Even today, no matter how painful it is, I have to see you at least once. I haven’t smelled you for a long time now. I miss your scent, the way your eyes crinkle at the corners when you smile at me. I love how you’d hold me against your chest and I would always try to hear your heart beat. I miss how well our hands fitted in each others’, how comfortable it was to lie in the crook of your arms. How in the end, I trusted you, and in the end, it was all ashes.

I always thought you were different. I still do. I still think you are different. But are you? Im hoping for one day, one time, when finally the heavens will show me mercy and let me feel your warm embrace once again. I love you.. Words that mean nothing to you now, but everything to me.

Labels: beautiful moment, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 9:27 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Sorry for the very emo and cryptic posts lately guys.

I'm having a very rough patch and I'll liken it to walking underwater, trying my best to keep my head above the surface. In the past whenever I had a nervous breakdown I just slept and ate and slept but now, I still have to function about my daily life, do chores, homework, and go to college, without any family to support me and always having to use all my energy to keep up cheerfulness and so on in class. I don't want to burst into tears in college or anything.

I've lost my phone and Mum actually wants to dip into her savings for her cataract surgery just to buy me a new one cause she can't stand to see me so sad. I asked my parents to settle their mortgage, credit card and loans things first and I'll settle this myself as it is my own fault, but they insisted on helping me because they care about me. I've been very touched, I seriously thought they would be so angry at me that they wouldn't talk to me for days.

At times, no matter how hard i try, even on tiptoes, my head fails to break the surface and I can feel myself drowning in the metaphorical waters. I hope one day, either by myself or with help, I'll be able to pull myself out onto dry ground. Will someone pull me up? Because I can't keep treading water and gulping only occasional gasps of air. I want to WALK again.

It feels like I have cancer or something but can i ask all you guys to keep me in your prayers? =) 

Labels: Daily Rain, Life in Rainy School, Sad in the Rain

6 comments

---

&the time is 1:51 AM
posted by Ena ♥

One moment one day

When all seems okay

The next thing you know.

Everything is upside down.

 

Pain from the past.

Thought it'd gone away.

But it always lasts

Everything has turned gray.

 

Happiness once so real and strong,

So much that I thought

"I don't deserve all this joy."

I guess I was wrong.

 

Nothing in this world ever lasts

Nothing is ever certain

From beautiful sunsets to the whispers of comfort

To the endless pain.

 

I still remember a time

When the sun still shone

But now the skies are overcast.

All the good is gone.

 

I'm wiser now, and more weary.

I know not to live in the past.

But how do I stop the dreams

That haunt me in my sleep.

Memories come and go, fast

Like the wind.

 

All i ever wanted was to

Be something to someone.

But now I know..

All i want in life

Is to be happy no matter what.

When will that day come?

 

 

Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

5 comments

---

&the time is 4:03 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Mummy called and she says she’s so worried about me. She said she cried when she read my Facebook posts and she said she isn’t going to scold me for losing my phone. She knows how happy I was when I got it and now, she knows how sad I am.. She said she would never have scolded me cause she knows how sad I am and she hopes I will stay strong and not think about it.

She’s so different from the old mum i used to know who would scold me so badly for this happening. Oh god mum.. I never appreciated you till now. She said no matter how poor she is, she’ll buy me back the phone. She said Daddy is going to give me all the money he is getting from the old age fund and giving it to me to buy a phone. She said don’t tell the brother.

How much they must love me, to say all this. To think about buying me back my phone even when they are struggling with daily problems. To not scold me, instead they are comforting me. How selfish I am, to be so sad and desperate about something so trivial as a phone when my parents are working so hard and even now, they are willing to sacrifice for me because they know how down I am. Daddy even said he doesn’t want me to get any part time job here just to buy my phone again. How I have failed as a daughter, how I have disappointed them with all the things I’ve done. Clubbing, drinking, lying to them. I wish I could go back home and never have to set foot here again, I really do. I don’t ever want to come back here anymore.

I miss my family so much that it aches.. It does. I lost my boyfriend, my phone and my self-respect in a single month. Please don’t take anything else away from me.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

1 comments

---

&the time is 8:57 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure at everything.

I mean, the only thing that I have in my favour is studies. The only thing which is worth anything of all in me is that. It's the only thing I'm good at. I'm good at Geography. I'm good at Biology. I'm good at studying and memorising and taking tests. That is all.

I sometimes feel like I'd be Nobita if I didn't have studies in my favour. If you've ever watched Doraemon, you'll know if this sad loser called Nobita who fails in everything he does. Which is almost like me.

You know how they say everyone is good in at least one thing? No one is ever bad at everything? It's true, but what if one day I lose this only thing I'm "good" at?

I suck at every single athletic activity. I lose at every competitive activity, be it badminton, or bowling, or running. I have horrible reflexes, I suck at video games, I can't drive, I'm not alert enough to realise a bear is about to eat me. I can't drive to save my life, and my balance is so bad that I can't ride a bike, or swim.

Not only that. I'm not good at Tetris, Sudoku, even Chess. I can't paint nor have any artistic skill (except shopping LOL.) I can't sing, and my coordination, as said, is so bad that I can't even remember left from right hence I can't dance. I have no musical talent and I can't play any instrument. I don't bake (would probably suck at it) and I don't sew, I can't do ANYTHING at all well.

I don't know, I just take it seriously. I wish I could be the best in everything. Some people are naturally good at everything, you know? I'm jealous. Even during a casual game of bowling with friends, when I lose I feel like a huge failure.

Nothing comes naturally to me. Except studying. And my writing. That's all. I can't even play video games when my boyfriend asks me to, 'cause I'm so bad that I'd only feel awful when I can't do it.

You might call it my own negative mentality and my own disability to step out of my comfort zone. I should try new things and practice. But I just wish I could be naturally good at something else. It's a bit discouraging and disheartening when a person who is say, learning to swim for the first time with you, manages to learn while you don't. It's what discourages me from going ice skating, or play tennis with others. Sure, it's your first time too, but you don't know how bad I am. How embarassing it is when everyone can already master it yet you still can't cause you suck so much.

I just take it seriously. I am one of the only who finds driving difficult. I have no sense of direction even. I used to rationalize and make excuses that oh my car is too hard to drive, and so on. Maybe I'm just bad at it. I'm not really creative either, nor a public speaker/debater or whatsoever good enough to call it a gift of mine.

Can't you see? I'm not good at anything besides.. Well, doing well in tests. Do you really want that? It's all I have.. The ability to memorise random facts in books. What if I'm smart, get a good degree, yet fail to find a job? Can I use my other skills (say, painting, creative skills) to find another job in another field, like advertising or whatsoever? No. All I have is a piece of paper saying hey this girl can memorise her Bio book well, kudos to her but you're not getting a job from here.

Aimless and directionless life.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

2 comments

---

&the time is 8:01 AM
posted by Ena ♥

People change. It hurts, but when it happens, no matter how hard you try it won't work, no matter how much you want or is willing to fix things, it won't be ok. It's times like these when you have to learn to give up, and let go, even when it's painful. I learned this before now I just have to remember it all over again..



Feel so disconnected and alone with no one to turn to.

 

 

Labels: Sad in the Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 5:24 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Thus ends the more hectic days of the week, with innumerable assignments and various tests back to back. I screwed up Math badly, and cried my eyes out.

I'm feeling extremely low right now. Does anyone ever feel that they have no one to talk to when they're down? Like they have no friends? I mean, I feel that way. No matter what effort I make, I'm an afterthought and they don't really give a care about me at all.

Ignored, neglected, jealous. Words describing everything occuring in my life now. Whenever something bad happens to me, I always think it's karma. I always think that it's because of something I did a few months ago, and I'd blame myself and feel awful. Because i think it might be more comforting to think that I did this to myself than the fact that others are doing this to me unprovoked.

Cursed to forever dwell in the feeling of being second best, being shadowed, being a replacement, of wanting things I can't ever have.

It hurts, badly.

When will I finally belong?

 



 

SMILES :)

Labels: Sad in the Rain

2 comments

---

&the time is 8:42 AM
posted by Ena ♥

It's almost exactly the same again.

I should have seen it coming.

All the signs are there.

I feel stupid.

The more I take, the more I break.

The more I care, the less I get.

Not stupid.

I know what's going to happen.

Predicted it from the start.

But I let myself hope.

Yet change comes.

I have nothing

To say anymore.

What comes, comes.

I'll let it be.

Hope is evil.

The more I love

The more I lose.

The more I trust

The more it hurts.

Drifting apart.

Cold shoulders,

Harsh words.

No longer any time

To spare.

24 hours is better spent.

Away.

or in silence,

or in more pain.

Nothing lasts forever.

All are lies or deception.

Everyone is same.

Everything is pain.

The more I try

To block it out

The more it lingers

The more it aches.

Short tempers,

Annoyance and glares.

Curt answers

Or tense silence

Thicker than I can break.

Too proud to say sorry

Too strong to cry

Too weak to forget

Too bitter to forgive.

The more I give.

The more you leave.

Nothing I can do

To stop you from

Slowly turning your back.

And walking away.

What will be

I accept.

Hold my head high.

With determination,

grit, and a tough look

In my eyes.

Lonely or cold

This road I will walk.

With my own two feet

Firmly planted on the ground

With no use for helping hands or

aid.

For I believe.

In myself.

And hope for the best.

Good luck.

 

Labels: Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 2:21 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I find it incredibly mean when you have no idea why a friend is ignoring you and deliberately leaving you out by not inviting you anymore for no apparent reason. I mean, fine. You can forget me if you wish. I have no idea why you're so pissed at me and never finding me anymore, or replying my wall posts, or whatsoever. I thought we used to be tight but if you want to just pretend we're not friends anymore, I also have no idea what to say to you. To confront you and ask you what's wrong? To try to text you and chat like usual friends but not getting any response from you? It's all weird now because you're being so cold and unfriendly to me. And I'm never good at confronting and asking hey what's wrong among us. I guess if you want to forget me as a friend, you can :)

Makes me feel like not wanting to go home end of this year. FML.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

1 comments

---

&the time is 9:03 AM
posted by Ena ♥

In Form 4, my ex and I used Love Story as our song.

In Form 4, the guy I fell in love got together with another girl, and I listened and cried to You Belong To Me endlessly.

In Form 5, I broke up, and I listened to Back To December, then Dear John, and Last Kiss.

They each helped me through a special and painful part in my life. Inspirational songs like Stay Beautiful get me out of bed on an ugly day. Mary's Song makes me believe in love. Enchanted and Hey Stephen makes me want to meet the right guy.

And now, the current song is I'd Lie.

"I'd Lie"

I don’t think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He’ll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I’m laughing cause I hope he's wrong
I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his favorite songs
And..

[chorus:]
I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn’t a light go on?
Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?
He sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine

[chorus]

He stands there then walks away
My god if I could only say
I’m holding every breath for you...

He’d never tell you but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My god he’s beautiful
So I put on my make up
And pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue oh and it kills me
His sisters beautiful he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him
If you asked me if I love him
I’d lie

Labels: Sad in the Rain

0 comments

---

&the time is 8:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥