I remember a time when I would force myself to sleep very late, at 6 am, or even later, when I felt most tranquil, just so I could wake up late, very late, later than 3pm if possible. Why? Because everytime I woke up, I was faced into this great wall of pain, and I would curl up and I couldn't get out of bed, and it would just hit me the second I opened my eyes and faced the day, that it was pain. To check my phone, to see nothing, to throw myself into the meaningless loop of wondering What can I do? What could I have done? If only. Why me? This shouldn't be happening. It hurts. And then I cry.

It somehow gets better throughout the day as I rewatch the same episode of How I Met Your Mother over and over again, and speed past the parts which involve kissing, and then I try to eat a meal, and by 12 midnight I talk myself into being strong, because I was so tired from crying all day. Then I get on FB or Tumblr, and chat with someone I barely know and unload my problems on them (they then never talk to me again) and cry some more, and then I tell myself ENOUGH then I rewatch How I Met Your Mother and actually laugh at some parts, and then I feel good, but sleepy, and I tell myself oh no it's too early, I'll be awake by 1pm, no no. Then I drag on till I collapse, and I wake again with a rested mind, which then begins whirring again until I bear it down and tire it enough to stop reminding me of the pain.

Life stopped for that period of time. I would take a flu med when I only had sniffles and then I'd be so overjoyed that I would be spending the day asleep. Sleeping, crying, watching sitcoms through a blur of tears, trying to read a book when a million thoughts raced in my mind.

I don't know what is happening now to me, no pain, but now I feel like crying at the drop of the pin. I should probably NOT be having my period because then this would be my 3rd period this month.

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 2:06 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I started reading when I was 8 or 9. It all started when I borrowed an Enid Blyton book home and I couldn't stop reading. I barely understood the words but I was so overjoyed at how I could immerse myself in a book for so many hours. And then began the Journey of Reading, which was a period of some 5 years of my life. I would read everywhere, bring a book everywhere, and read in the middle of class, in my bed secretly after Mum went to bed, and everywhere.

I feel like I've experienced so much through all these books I've read. I think that 50% of what I know doesn't come from my education, but what books I read in my formative years. I had a rich childhood, full of magic and adventure and wonder with every turn of the page.

I dragged my family to read too. We visited 3 libraries every weekend, and when we got home it would be 7 or 8. After all books were borrowed I refused to go ANYWHERE but home to read. I read 4 or 5 books a day on weekends and I would devour them all. In the car between libraries I'd already start reading. My parents were happy but forced to sit in libraries every weekend. I made so many friends at libraries too, while browsing through the many racks. I did increasingly get self-conscious when people stared at me, a little girl borrowing 10-15 books from one library alone (we had multiple memberships).

I would finish all the books before each weekend visit, and photocopy those books that made an impact to me. I didn't have ENOUGH books to read. I must have read all the books in the libraries. It became harder to choose books, because so many had been read! I must have read 500 books a year at least.

I revelled in not only fiction and literature, but also books about space, about the universe, learning about all the planets and their moons, the Egyptians and the Greeks and how they lived, cut-out 3D books about how the medieval people held sieges, books about how trains and escalators work, UNICEF books about all the children and all the cultures in the world, Amazing Facts books about our human bodies, and strange animal habits (our intestines stretched out would be kilometres long! there are butterflies which camouflage themselves to look like dangerous insects!)

I viewed life differently when I read shamelessly, openly, willingly. Now, I've become critical and self-conscious. Certain books I scoff at. Quality of books have dropped. I don't want people to think I'm a bookworm. I wish I could immerse myself in books the way I used to , instead of just occasional "hmm that was a good book" afternoons when I find myself temporarily in that vortex untouched by fatigue, hunger or time.

I miss those simple times in my life when a new adventure started every time I opened a new book; when I felt sad when a book ended; when I dwelled and properly thought about a book that had impacted me, for example poverty, war, child abuse; learning about how the Egyptians lived, about the Roman baths, about the social status of women in Greek, what the children did in their spare time; learned history and inventions of things; learned that Io is fiery and Europa icy (Jupiter's moons); learned so so much, that made me wise beyond my years.

So for that, I'd like to thank all the books which made me who I am today, thank you for teaching me all I need to know, thank you for colouring my childhood, thank you for being my friend when I was lonely, thank you because I was never bored when I was turning the pages, THANK YOU, for all the experiences and adventures you let me live through while sitting in my bed till the wee hours of the morning.

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 8:33 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I've been beating myself up too much over finals. I've been slacking, not having the old discipline I had during SPM. When I would study for hours at end, and punish myself if I didn't finish my goals, if I didn't have a productive day, I would starve myself, I allowed myself no TV, no internet, and even brought my books into the shower and propped them on the toilet seat LOL.

But now?

Honestly I miss the old times. I was more kiasu, yes, more bitchy, more selfish, but at least I was good. Even now, I think I can sit for SPM and still do well. I remember random facts from Moral, Sejarah, and all these subjects I pored over and I think in a way that's good that my memory still serves me well and I have plenty of free trivia in my head but it wistfully reminds me of just how good I was in Form 5 compared to now, when I am basically nothing compared to all the other smart people here.

I guess if you think you are good, there is at least a million people better than you. I am sad over how my finals haven't been shaping up well. I've gotten too comfortable. Before this, I used to excel at exams. But now I've grown too used to the assignments and whatnot and I feel really awful about myself.

Anyways, a few of my friends came up to me suddenly and told me how much they love me blog and they spent hours reading it and even told me not to be sad and so on and it REALLY touches me and it makes me happy that people actually read my blog and I'm really glad =)

One more thing to blog about in this random post is that people online who get annoyed when others post personal things annoy me. There are two kinds of people, those who think that if you post stuff about say, your period or any shit online is too personal, and if you rant it's TOO annoying, and apparently the internet can only be used to discuss politics, sports, interesting, deep, and meaningful stuff and not personal stuff. Well then I have nothing to say except that it's not you who dictates which domain I have to act smart and which I have to act personal and friendly.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 11:58 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Going to express a deep post now.

I find I am more often a better person now than when I was a little girl. Is there such a thing as being born evil? With the risk of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I was a twisted child. It all started when I was 7 or 8.  I had violent fantasies about killing people I hated, like teachers, classmates, sometimes even my brother. Seriously violent for an 8 year old, involving blood and gore. I did awful things like vandalise my classroom, thrash the tables, and all the while I maintained an innocent, quiet little girl the teachers loved because I was always top of the class. I did things like, in the early morning when I went to teacher's office, I saw a stack of exam papers on her desk, and I looked up my enemy's paper and erased a few answers and recoloured other bubbles so she got a low mark. That was all in my prepubescent years mind you. I had a way of being this scheming evil girl and I was very intelligent for my age at that time as I had been fed all these encyclopedias and philosophy books.

But I turned out okay in the end even though I always suspected I was psychotic or something. During my teenage years, I hit the EMO stage. In the first few years I'd resort to eating disorders, self-mutilation, antisocialness, all while harbouring some grudge inside me. I think that a few key events happened in high school that reshaped who I was. I became a better person, at first just to show people, but finally it rooted. I also became more mature and I can now control my rage better. I used to throw tables around and break 5 pencils at once whenever I was angry. I'd scratch the walls in rage.

But now, I find myself to be altogether healthier. One thing that has rooted me through my life is ambition. Knowing that people are judgmental made me even more determined for ambition. I used to wish for world domination, and so on, but now I just want to understand the world a little better. I used to wish I would be immortal, or would die with my name known by all, but now I just wish that I'll die with no regrets.

P.S I sounded like the little girl from Orphan the way I described myself. I wasn't THAT bad la I was quite cute and charming too. Many my insecurity made me see myself in this evil little girl way

as customary, a picture of myself. post-evil days.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 5:34 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I have been having vivid dreams that keep me tossing and turning all night. Some nights i find myself all sweaty, or having scratched myself. I had one recently. In the space of a 3 hour nap, can a person really dream so much? REM sleep overload.

Anyways, I skipped Moral today because I felt really rotten and had a migraine. So I slept. Suddenly, in my dream, I was awakened by a knock on the door. I got up and somehow, I found myself in Summit (a apart of it I've never seen before) with a friend, Huan Sen. Some of my other coursemates were there too. I was sort of following Carson because I kept catching glimpses of him in the building but unsure who it was. We were just walking and walking but I kept complaining I was dizzy and I kept having mini blackouts when I suddenly find I have walked somewhere without realising. Suddenly, I find myself sitting on a bench. In panic, I look around and spot my friend. He told me I had collapsed and some of the doctors had given me a lumbar puncture in my foot to check for infection. (Which doesn't make sense fyi, the lumbar is the lower backbone).

I was helped to a hospital room in which was another patient, a fellow coursemate Eric. He was asleep. It was very realistic from then on, with a female doctor coming to explain to me I had caught a tropical fever called methampillin fever and I had to take ampicillin tablets. That's how much detail I remember, the yellow light of the dingy room, the doctor's handwriting on the packet of tablets. I was feeling literally sick, and groggy, and hot and flushed with fever. My mother and brother showed up shortly, having been notified by my friends. They talked to me for a while, discussing my treatment, and then they announced they were going to take a walk and look around. Then, I was dozing off when Carson stepped in. I was happy to see him at first, but suddenly two men came in with him and swiped Eric's Iphone. Carson came to my bed and took out my bag from the table next to mine and showed the two men the contents. They laughed and said the phone was too lousy to take. Before they left, Carson gave a guilty look to me, but I pretended to be asleep. I felt so hurt that while I was sick, he was orchestrating to rob us. How could he be this kind of person? Did he poison me? I was so sad and kept crying. I wished it was all a dream, but I knew it wasn't, because so many things had happened with such clarity. Like I said, I remember all the details, like the rusty bed legs and so on. How I wished it was a dream.

Next thing I know, I was crying into my pillow with my fists clenched. I woke up, startled by the not-dream that was a dream.

Is this a sign of a fever to come? Such a complex dream.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 5:54 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I've always been materialistic and hard to please. It's just a character flaw I have. If i pretend otherwise, I'd just resent a person.

Take gifts for example. Whenever I'm looking for a gift for boyfriend or so on, most commonly I get advice like "Anything will do, as long as it's from you he'll love it!" I think that's bullshit frankly, because if I was the boyfriend I'd still be helluva disappointed if it is something crappy. "Happy as long as it's from you"? Does that even exist in this world?

If I were a guy, I'd probably expect freshly baked cookies or so on from a girlfriend LOL.

Back a long time ago I had a friend who told me about his break up. Apparently, his girlfriend's ex before him always showered her with presents. But my friend, being inexperienced, only gave her a homemade card for her birthday. She was never pleased and it led to their breakup. At the time, I was all "OMG how can she do that? A card is so sweet already etc etc."

Like when my ex didn't give me a birthday present. I felt like DARN FUCKING ANGRY LOL.

Now when I look back, I think if I was my friend's girlfriend. Would I be content with just a card? No. I wouldn't.

I guess the difference between girls who would be happy to receive a card for her birthday in comparison with jewelry, etc, is that those girls would willingly marry a poor man for love and girls like me wouldn't.

Maybe a period in the beginning, full of love, would fool me into thinking love is enough for living. But I think it wouldn't last long.

Hope I'll marry a rich man!

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 1:40 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I don't get why people hate on him so much to the point of getting personal, asking him to die and so on. He's just a teenage boy. Who sings. But anyways. Here's a list:

1. They hate him because of how his fans react. I mean, yea it's pretty dumb for those teens to scream and act dumb and so on. But it's unfair to judge a star by the quality of fans he has. It's not like rock and roll singers have only rock fans. With pop, all shit comes out too. Take Lady GaGa.



2. His music? Doubt it though, it's mainstream pop.

3. They claim he's a girl. Ok this is stupid. Find me a 16 year old boy with tough packs and ripped body. He even got a haircut and his voice changed so like, cut him some slack.

4. Jealousy. He's a normal single-parent family kid who somehow struck fame and realised his dreams.. And he has made more money than anyone can ever dream at that age. Plus he's one of the most well known entertainers for now.. For good or bad reasons.

5. They are lifeless bitter people who just want to hate on someone.

6. They follow the crowd. Since everyone hates Bieber, they do it too.

 

Anyways I find it stupid and pointless. It's like posting hate crap on the PM's wall. Dumbasses. You think by venting negatively on a Facebook page that Malaysia will become what you want it to be? Idiots.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 11:29 AM
posted by Ena ♥

So now I want to make this blog a mini-shrine to my ear. Haha it's not infected or collapsed though I went into dirty seawater and germy chlorine poolwater few days after I pierced.

Anyways, I went to Port Dickson, and it was fun albeit the beaches a bit disappointing.

Nevertheless, it's 5 days till I get home. Facing many difficult problems right now and I don't know how to describe them. Financial problems among some of them.

I hate the sense of never belonging. I really do. I guess.. I hate who I am now. I'm so antisocial that I just lock up all day and yeah. I hate it. I guess I just miss my old self. I'm tired of making all the effort, though. And I'm tired of thinking too much. Feel used at times.

Short, cryptic sentences to replenish the dry spell to my limited readers after my long hiatus. LOL smart  of me to keep up my readership.



Think this was when watching Real Steel which was freaking amazing!

Insidious is freaking scary haha one of the first horror movies to have successfully scared me in 4 years. Gotta go now because I'm lazy and all I do is play Pokemon and watch HIMYM over and over again. Babai.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 5:38 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I turned 18 yesterday, and somehow that day has lost its magic. I don't know why. I didn't look forward to it, counting down as I always do. It always used to be the most special, momentuous day of the year, but yeah. I don't know. Exams, stress, problems, not sure whether anyone would remember/care, being broke, being away form home.. Being a year closer to death.

It was just another day, just another 13th October, hardly a special day, for what is so special about me being born? It's like I'm any addition to the world. Just another mouth to feed, another life on this planet.

Just another day.

But I thank everyone for their effort to surprise me :) It was very sweet, and touching. Very unexpected. I'm glad you tried. But it just didn't feel like my birthday at all. Usually just a small card from a friend, or a cake, makes me oooh and ahhhh but this year, all the tradition seems like it means nothing but a charade to hide how hollow I feel.

I don't get it. Maybe PMS. Got my Hanabi Grey and Super Nudy Brown so I might review them.

I never thought this would happen to me again. Losing you slowly.

 

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 7:30 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I am getting so depressed about my weight :( it just keeps adding. I am also very depressed about my procrastination. And I'm also quite upset of myself. I've always tried to be nice, like when people are gossipping, I'd say "Don't say this la" and so on. But now, I seem to gossip more.

I also feel that I'm way too sensitive. I want everyone to include in every plan they make. Is this normal? Obviously not. I mean, it's impossible to expect everyone to like you. I guess when someone makes plans without me, I get a little hurt. Or when people make plans with my friends without me.. I feel like they're stealing my friends. How abnormal is that?

As I quote from my old blog

"I miss my days floating around as a ball of cells in Mom's trusty old uterus when all I had to worry about was mitosis and leeching off Mom's nutrients."

Enjoying reading my old blog entries. I used to be so much smarter back then with more ideals.

Like..

I miss you on days when I don't see you.

I talk about you when I want to stop myself.

I find myself thinking of you.

Dreaming about you.

Highly recommended mind boggling read : www.thousandcelestial.blogspot.com

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain

3 comments

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&the time is 12:12 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Have you ever wondered what is the meaning of life?

I have. Yesterday I was in the shower looking at the water swirling down the drain. (I'm not trying to imitate some Zen people or trying to be funny). And I suddenly lost myself. I felt so detached.

Wondering what am I going to do with my life. Wondering about what doors lay open to me, wondering when I shall die, and whether I can die satisfied. I look back and envy my life as a little girl, I was so curious and the world always seemed like a bright, inexhaustible place, where there'll always be excitement and wonders.

As a little girl, my head went places unexplored. I remember once when I was 5, I wondered, is vision always the right side up? If I turn upside down, would the magic of my eye flip my vision upside down so I still saw the world straight side up? And I curiously wondered, so how do we ever know if we're upside down or the right way up? I decided to do a little experiment and hung my head down from the edge of the bed. Disappointingly, I saw the world upside down. My theory was disproved. But being a child, I would then go next to the car and try to figure out why it worked. I would go to the drains and wonder why water flows this way and not the other. I had such an inquisitive mind, and I devoured every single piece of information. I believe my 11 year old self was way smarter than now.

At 11, I had read all the classics worth reading, Great Expectations, David Copperfield, Tess of d Ubervilles, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Hamlet, Merchant of Venice, and other contemporary classics. Narnia I read when I was 8, I knew about it long before there was a movie about it. I read books on every thing available, I knew how supermarkets were run ( from produce deparment to sales), I knew how a tractor worked, I knew why elevators went up, I knew why people don't fly off roller-coasters, I knew which of Jupiter's moons were fiery and which weren't. I was... wiser.

And now? I'm like every other girl in the crowd. Just an insignificant speck, threatening to be engulfed by the sea of exceptional people. So why am I such an empty shell now? I miss being a little girl, who saved up money just to buy an edition of Ivanhoe, call me a nerd or whatsoever, but I was happy back then, in my own little world, with my big dreams of changing the world, with my reassurance that I had been born to bring big changes to the world, never doubting that one day I'll be great.

I didn't change the world. The world changed me. I have had a fortunate life I know. But I'm just like everybody else. I'm glad I'm not in a war-torn country or dying of famine. Yet, everything seems to lose its meaning. Daily banter with friends, random chit chat, gossip, forgotten as soon as I go to sleep.

I grew up, and lost myself. And I don't know where that part of me is anymore, whether it's still there, whether I can ever access it. When I'm brooding about this.. I get so upset.

Do I want to die like this? No. Do I want to die before experiencing or doing something meaningful? No.

I want to know what's the meaning in my life. I'm always thinking of the bigger picture and how small I am in it, and how life flows by like a stream flows down a mountain. Time flies, and now where am I? Being a shallow, dissatisfied person living life just because it's NOT BAD.

After thinking all this, I turned off the water and left the shower. That night, I tossed and turned in my sleep, every time sleep crept nearer my thoughts would get more and more jumbled and I'd wake confused. The answer was so close to me every time I drifted away, but never within my reach.

Philosophical much? I know. I don't understand myself. But this is what goes on in my head, and burdens my shoulders.

I just want to thank that little girl many years ago, who was incredible in every way though she didn't know it. And I'm sorry the little girl is gone, changed by the cruelty of others, and by the passing of time. Nothing stays the same. I just hope one day my actions will have a ripple in the fabric of this world.

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 7:31 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Photo taken at Petaling Street!

Everything is really crazy and unreal that i can't really believe what is happening , but it's all in a good way. Caught in a whirlwind must be an appropriate term for what I'm feeling. But right now I don't even want to think about you not being there in my life. So yeah. Call me crazy or naive or whatever, but when I say it back, I mean it : )

Labels: Happy in the Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 10:19 AM
posted by Ena ♥

1. Failing your driving test.

2. Shitting and feeling the sai zui (shit water) splash onto your butt.

3. Falling for someone who's attached.

4. Traffic jam on a hill.

5. Someone trying to prove you're wrong.

6.Having eye boogers and you don't know.

7. Reading something mean about you.

8. Toilets that can't flush.

9. Charging something and realising it's not plugged in.

10. When your favourite shows get canceled.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 8:12 AM
posted by Ena ♥

You wanna know something fucking awesome??? Other than my very alliterated title. OMG. Go click on my archives  and you can see that every month I have 22 posts!! And gahhh my used-to-be anniversary in on the 22nd blahh blahh.

I swear it's a coincidence but OMG. How will June be? Will it break the chain?

Anyhow my driving lesson got cancelled today. Which I am glad about. I was so excited to learn but now.. It's just stressful. Maybe I'm a perfectionist and I just don't like having my instructor have to scold me sometimes because I want to be naturally good at it.

1. Handbrake is so fucking hard and I hate it. I have physical limitations mainly, I'm short (leg can't reach pedal), skinny (weak and can't step hard enough) and all that. So yea. And steering? It is pure torture. I rather just change my destination than having to U-turn I tell you. And side parking gives me calluses because I have to turn the steering about 50million times.


This hurts.

2. I just CAN'T GET THE HANG OF IT. I keep forgetting to change gears, and I have poor control. Of everything. I can't turn the steering wheel properly without my car swerving left and right or hitting the curb. I can't step on the accelerator without it being too fast or too slow. I can't brake properly. And I keep sihoi (car die in the middle of driving fml). I suck at practical stuff, playing music, art, sports. I have very very slow hand eye coordination and slow response. Which is why I am at high risk of dying in a car crash.

p.s however my hill is immaculate. I just like things with a sequence. Parking is ok too. I like how it has steps, like turn steering left all the way, see the marker, and so on.

I like lists.

3. I am road blind. I think I have directional dyslexia. Let me quote from this article .

There's a class of people (I'm one of them) who are chronically lost; who take a few steps in a strange city and can't find their way back to the hotel;  who don't know how to exit the building they've just entered because they've strolled a corridor or two;  who are totally befuddled and even panicked when they drive into a familiar intersection from an unaccustomed direction; who break into a cold sweat when someone says, "you know how to get home -- just reverse the directions";  and who, because they're frequently lost, are subject to ridicule and mockery from their very own families and from their most intimate friends.

That's me. I've been travelling the same road for the past 5 years, and I still can't go to school. I have difficulty even differentiating left and right. It takes me a split second longer. When I reach a fork in the road, I have to stop and think. Which way do I go? Because I just don't know which one is right though I've gone this route many times. Even when I try to focus.. I can't. It helps to memorise landmarks in a sequence (I do well with sequences) like, Everrise, Maybank, Shell. But not all the time.

I was once convinced that my dysgeographica was related to my total absence of rhythm -- as a child I could never learn to pump a swing or even to jump rope.

That is just me. I have no sense of balance either, can't swim, ride a bike, skateboard. I have poor motor function. And I hate swings.. Just 2 oscillations makes me puke. I don't know why.. Even roller coasters don't do that to me. I get a migraine when I am swung. My car sickness is quite better already though.

Here's another link: http://www.guardian.co.uk/notesandqueries/query/0,5753,-58770,00.html

I get distracted a lot too in directions, if there's a crowd in front of me, I will follow them blindly. It's so bad that I actually step off the elevator on the wrong floor all the time. Because I follow the crowd. And yes, I get hopelessly lost in buildings too. Like hotels.

This girl blogged about it here too. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with this problem. Some more my friends all are good with directions and even my family has no patience with me. I think I have quite a mild case, since I can still manage a bit.

And now a photo of me deemed by brother as "Asian person who got plastic surgery trying to look British."



P.S: OMG. I have IEED too and katagelasticism.

IEED is like..

Your dad is yelling at you for stealing the last Ho Ho or breaking a vase or kidnapping someone, when suddenly, you're overcome with an uncontrollable desire to laugh. You try to hold back, but soon your frown turns into a smirk, your smirk turns into a repressed chuckle and your chuckle turns into a full out fit of hysteric laughter.

Not only did I laugh when I hear people dying, I also had this uncontrollable urge when my brother was sick or sleepwalking. It has happened since I was 14. This is like.. WOW.

If you've ever experienced a sensation like this, you may suffer from Involuntary Emotional Expression Disorder (IEED), also known as pseudobulbar affect. This condition is exactly what it sounds like: having the opposite reaction of what is expected, such as becoming depressed when you hear good news, or laughing at a tense or unpleasant place, such as when someone tries to start an argument with you.

And katagelatiscism is just finding joy in other's misfortunes. I do that in reverse. I am unable to be happy for others. I'm ashamed to say I blocked my close friend from my News Feed because she was too happy with her boyfriend.

I am a bitter, damaged soul. I knew I was psychotic.

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 10:34 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Do you like my new blog layout? I used xiuxiu meitu because I am IT-challenged person and don't understand what is a layer in Photoshop.

Today I felt better. Went shopping, bought a top, and a lot of stationery. I felt a little ouch when I saw some lovey dovey posts on Facebook, boyfriends waiting for their girlfriends to fall asleep on the phone before saying goodnight. That happiness when I hang up after a phone call of I love you's or after coming home from a particularly happy date, that warm fuzziness as I remember all the hugs and cuddles. Or us cooking for each other and washing each other's hair. Ahhhh. Even though obviously he doesn't think about me anymore, but I do miss some of our moments. I avoid his friends' profiles also because.. Yeah. Hurts to see his name.

Anyhow, today I shall talk about something that has probably changed my life.. Contact lenses. Not camera lenses la.

Now you all probably think I am just exaggerating, but it's true. A few years ago, I was so awkward. And shy and ugly feeling. I was ugly in every respect, really. And I think I missed out so much on life, because of the simple fact that I refused to wear glasses. When I wore them, I couldn't even speak to people without looking down. My eyesight got worse. I did not want to be one of those people confined to specs their whole life. (sorry to offend) and everything was such a blur in life. I missed out on scenery, and everything else, BOYS. In class I would put them on for 2 seconds when no one was looking, copy a few words, then quickly take them off.

Yea, I've always been self conscious. Being ugly just bothers me, ok? Ugly people bother me too so yeahhh. I get annoyed when there's someone who can be stunning if she tried but she doesn't. Makes me want to give her a makeover. No girls are ugly.. Only lazy. I'm not advocating anyone to put on a ton of makeup la. I don't even do that because me skin is OK. I only use blusher because I'm too pale that's all.

But the thing about natural beauty.. If you're not naturally beautiful, then you have to fake it. Being artificially beautiful is better than being naturally ugly.

Anyhow, putting them on made me able to look around and see the world, say hi to people I know, actually recognise stuff. Yes, my eyesight is that bad. And I can talk to people and smile because I know my lenses are awesome.

My natural eyes are hideous, so don't say I am hiding myself under lenses.

And as for the myth that they damage your eyes, well, it's been wonderful for me. So yea. No pain, no infections. Comfortable, cheap and good.

I urge you all with ugly beady eyes to get your lenses now!

 

Labels: Rainy Reviews, Random and Weird in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

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&the time is 7:07 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I am getting sick of being nagged all the time about college. Yes I know you are concerned, but I'm not stupid alright? And repeating it countless times just fucking annoys me. I am this close to just running away from home and leaving byebye if you continue on with all this scolding me for my "future" messiness, etc. Pffft.

Anyways, behold the Great College Checklist.

For girls that is. Girls who actually make an effort to look good Vain girls that is.

It shall have... 33 items! Just because it's more cool that way.

 

1. Bedsheet/pillowcase/blanket/pillow :3


2. Umbrella


3. Clothespin/Hanger


4. Sewing kit (for emergencies)


5. Toiletries (toothpaste/toothbrush/shampoo/foambath/conditioner/facial wash/lotions/creams/makeup remover/nail polish remover/lens solution)


6. Tweezers/ razors / nail clippers/ ear wax diggers


7. Clothes ( my 1 million pieces of clothes T___T) (seriously I'm taking 11 dresses, 3 jeans, 2 slacks, 1 pants, 5 t shirts, 6 bras, 8 panties, 2 swimsuits, 4 skirts, 6 shorts, 4 formal blouses, 3 cardigans, 6 tops, 1 turtleneck, then my 4 sets of home clothes.)


8. Electric kettle


9. Cutlery/Plates/Cups


10. Electronic stuff, chargers, blahh, cameras, bla, pendrives


11. Toilet paper/Instant food (mixed because they're both wtf ahah)


12. Rubber bands


13. Stationery ( Pens, pencils, color pencils, rulers, geometry set, files, notebooks, staplers, puncher, sellotape, double sided tape, scissors!,calculator, rulers, erasers, markers, highlighters, PENCILCASE ok I'm done trying to be specific here)


14. Shoes.... my biggest problem !@#$. (I am bringing 1 sandals, 2 slippers, 2 heels, 1 oxfords, 1 sportshoes, 1 flats, 1 formal looking sandals, 1 wedges, 1 heeled sandals.) WTF THAT'S TOO MANY RIGHT......


15. Towels ( I have 3)


16. Curling iron


17. Eyelashes (it gets more bimbotic..)


18. Rings


19. Hairbands


20. Belts


21. Necklaces/Bracelets (just realised I should list it all as Accesories LOL)


22. Makeup (mascaras, eyeliners, eyebrow pencils, blushers, bb creams, powder, blusher, nail polish, eyelash curler, lip gloss, lip stick, eyeshadows)


23. Shit I'm running out.. Umm, a Harry Potter book.


24. Combs


25. Mirrors


26. A watch?


27. Socks/Singlets/Tank tops


28. PADS!!!


29. Sunglasses


30. Dental floss (yes this should be in toiletries..)


31. Caps!! (for heat?)


32. A nice cute dustbin =)


33. A pail (this one buy there)

 

OMG I'M DONE

Labels: Daily Rain, Happy in the Rain, Life in Rainy School, Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 6:51 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I don't want to be a half-assed blogger anymore.. So, any suggestions?

Maybe I should do lens reviews? Makeup posts?

I almost quit wordpress and went back to blogger yesterday because I found out you have to pay to use other themes wtf.

How could I not have known that?

Okay I just ordered a Sugar Candy Brown lens. Either it will look totally fail or whatever. I promise when it arrives I'll take plenty of photos.

So far I've had:

Geo Nudy Blue.

Geo Nudy Brown.

Dreamy Grey (one of my fave lenses still) (I should throw it soon :( )

Blytheye Pink

A bunch of Freshkon circle lenses that have wayy too much moisture and superglues to my eyes.

Geo CK 101 and BC 102.. my school lenses.

My current Dueba Puffy 3 Tone blue which you see in my pictures.

 

Geo lenses irritate my eyes like mad. My Dreamy grey remains super comfy. My Blytheye was a bit defected and the right side hurts like hell so I've stopped wearing and besides they're too small. Geo Nudy Blue is awesome but Brown's colour is like wtf and they both hurt my eyes like mad.

I love my Puffy Blue but I get sick of it when I want to dress more subtle because it's such a bright lens that aunties literally stop to stare. And it's really quite big and dries quite fast in aircon but it still remains comfy.

My school lenses are super comfy, thank god. But they remain for school alone.

My Dreamy Grey is lovesss but I should toss it soon I guess?

Now on my wishlist are Hanabi lenses and Pop C Light lenses.

I am too lazy to dredge up my old photos of my old lenses because I don't want to go back to my past and see his comments on those photos hohohoho.

Okay one of my school lenses?



looking disgustedly bloated. this is a 6am picture wtf.

Labels: Daily Rain, Rainy Reviews, Random and Weird in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

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&the time is 12:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Too tired. No updates. Only getting 9 views a day LOL.

This is so sad.

Fast and Furious 5 was quite good in a cliche way.

Ahhh bimbotic picture of me again

 

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

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&the time is 10:34 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Yet I shall write one of them.

One of those long, rambling posts about life and deep moral issues and emo stuff that sounds like the writer of the blog is going to commit suicide soon.

Well it's 4.11 am and I have driving lessons at 10 tomorrow. So I should sleep and not crap.

But you see.. It's my dream to go to New York. Since I'm a 6-year-old toddler I've wanted to go there and stay there, and look now.

I can see my road ahead is deadly dull. I'm going to end up in KL, then come back to Kuching and work a dead-end job and suffer a horrible marriage (or be forever alone) and have annoying, ugly Asian kids and become depressed because I have achieved no dreams and commit suicide by 45.

Have I mentioned Librans commit suicide the most?

One day my ugly snotty Asian kid will come home and see Mommy hanging from the ceiling because she never made it to New York. hahaha this is so morbid now.

I sort of ran out of crap to say already.

School is OK I guess, I had my prefect's interview. It's holidays now and woooooo I'm not excited.

I've come to realise... I'm a desperate girl pushed up in the corner. I just can't stay here anymore. I CAN'T. It's not being lonely or heartbroken or whatsoever. I hate it. I'm going crazy. I go home and I hate it. I hate my room, I hate this stupid keyboard, I hate this stupid chair next to me strewn with all my favourite shoes. I hate these walls I'm staring at, I hate the people sleeping in those rooms who are my family but I hate the sound of their voice so much I skip meals.

And I know, when I get in the car and drive around, I hate every single thing I see. I can't stand it. The fucking flyover. The stupid Civic Centre. The Spring. Gawd, I want to bomb up that cibai building.

I am so sick. I just can't stay here anymore. I feel so choked up, like I have no room to move or breathe. I just want to be alone, living on my own.

You know what? When I go to the airport (my fave building) and board my plane and fly off, I will just turn off my phone and keep it at that.

Because seriously, I don't want to make any calls home or whatsoever. The fuck if anyone wonders where I am. I want to be free with no fucking strings attached.

I've been so cramped up my whole life, my house is literally a fish market, so is school. I am never just liberated and alone.

So after expressing hatred of home I can't wait to go off though it's just KL.

And this is why I will be stuck in a dead-end job forever, because I've got no guts to reject this scholarship.

On another opinion, someone did ask me how is my heart now. I was honest for once and said sometimes I'm still not over it and he said "HA? SO LONG EDY WOR??" See, I knew people would react that way. NAHH.

I don't want to come back even for semester breaks. My idea of happiness now? It's me, living in my apartment, and my friends all go home and I'm left alone in my apartment and I watch a nice show and eat a plate of hot noodles and it's just me all by myself.

I want to live like that my whole life. Unless I start to get horny and need company. But even then I won't need to break my solitude and get a guy. I can always get a vibrator.

To hell with company or friends or family. You know what they're good for? So when you die, your funeral is a full house. Basically, you're nice to people, get to know them, just so when you die they'll attend your party and make it look like you were awesome.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain

3 comments

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&the time is 12:27 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I didn't get what I wanted.

So I'm kinda utterly devastated now. Gone are my dreams of living through winter, and all that, gone shattered :) gone are my dreams of flying away from Malaysia, and it is so unfair.

Never mind, government wanna select doctors by race instead of merit? Let's see if our hospital mortality rate will go up lol.

I got Biotech at Monash anyways. Not bad I suppose.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain, Life in Rainy School, Random and Weird in the Rain, Sad in the Rain

3 comments

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&the time is 7:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥