DISCLAIMER: FIRST EVER ANGRY RANT AT SOMEONE YOU MAY VERY WELL KNOW AND THIS WILL HOPEFULLY BE THE FIRST AND LAST RANT ABOUT MY PREVIOUS LOVE INTERESTS.

You need to work on your attitude. You're not particularly hot, not rich and not smart. So slow down on the ego. Seriously, you are rude and condescending and you have not one ounce of modesty in you.

You dare insult me and call me a dumbfuck when you are the one who was a promise-breaking jerk in the first place. And whenever I try to placate things with nice words and compliments like "Hey you were a good boyfriend etc" you'd go right out and say "Duhh of course I was" I mean WHAT THE FUCK. You really think so highly of yourself? Please. You are a failure at life and everything you want to attempt. I'm so glad I'm not in love with you anymore.

The worse thing is how blind and immature you are. "I'm tired of being nice to you" you say. It is ME who has been nice, I never threw any mean words at you or cursed at you, but no "You're just tolerating, not being nice. I'm the nice one." You accuse me of buttering everything up with nice words when I get fucking angry at you swearing at me. Call me a bitch? Please, grow up. You are just some attention-seeking moron who keeps posting crap on facebook hoping someone will like it. How dare you accuse me of still being in love with you. SOHAI. The person I'm with is so much better than you.

You don't even feel remorse for hurting me, you act like it's justified and the Holy Spirit gave you permission to hurt me because "it was the right thing to do" so I'll forget you. LOL, to make you ex forget you, you ignore them, not go attack them everytime and hurt them even more. And now that I am over you, you can't even muster yourself to be KIND and say "I'm glad you're stronger" or something nice but you say "You were such a pathetic dumbfuck." THANKS A LOT, aren't you proud that you're the kind of guy who hurts a girl so bad they turn into PATHETIC DUMBFUCKS?

And the way you act so "wise" with your riddles and saying "You'll never understand" or "Think! You have all the puzzle pieces, now fit them together." Being cryptic as shit. And if I so much as say something and then say oh it's nothing you go at my throat at how "YOU ARE ALWAYS THE SAME ASSUMING THIS AND THAT. YOU NEVER GO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT." Such a hypocrite.  If you can go all Modern Shakespeare on me, why can't I? Please, grow a brain.

Get out of my life and stop posting things about me online. See this is what happens. I have to stoop to your level. Just forget about me already haha and go date some new slut. Did I insult your potential new girl? Sorry, this is what happens to me too when you never cease insulting my boy or go all out saying shit about me and warning him not to date me because

"You've seen the path I took. You've seen where I've fallen. Yet you still want to go for it. I advised you, you don't want to listen. Oh well. Use your brains."

Yea lifted from Facebook itself. You still want to act like you are the kind and wise one advising a friend not to go for a girl like me when you are just a troublemaker. Oh how condescending your tone is.

What is your problem? Regret cause you're not over me hence the shitty attitude? LOL don't worry, my ego not as big as yours, I wouldn't simply assume you still care about me. I just think you're sick and twisted and dislike me being happy and want to just make me miserable because you don't know what peace and closure is.

Congratulations, because you've made me very angry than I've been in a long time (or since my Bio lecturer gave me a crappy grade I didn't deserve). Congratulations because you are now the first person I can officially say I HATE since I was 14. I tried to not hate anyone because hate won't solve anything and I want a peaceful clean slate but obviously with someone like you YOU CAN'T BE NICE.

Rant is over. Next post will be a makeup review of my new bronzer and then my upcoming new lenses. Yay my mood lightened already just thinking about new girly stuff.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Password Protected

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&the time is 7:29 AM
posted by Ena ♥

He makes me happy, he really does.

But at the same time, I have doubts. Of course I do. Do we know each other well enough? Do we have enough in common? Are we suited to be more than friends? Do I want to risk getting hurt again so fast after I just healed?

I'm also wondering if I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. I just broke up a few months back. My emotions are still in a tangle and though I'm over him, but I might not be over all the pain and suffering I experienced since he left. Am I moving too fast to commit again? What if I'm just feeling this to fill the empty void in my life? I don't know MYSELF. At the same time, I'm so tentative about every step afraid that I will slip and fall again or I'll feel that pain again.

At the same time, I don't want to just pretend nothing ever happened and just push away something that could actually turn into something just because I'm too afraid to love again. I have my shields up, but I think this time, he's different from the rest. But I always think that way of all of them right? That they're different, but in the end they always end up the same. As usual, I'm overthinking and that always ruins everything. Just taking things slowly and going with the flow.

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&the time is 2:22 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I've become addicted to pain.

I've tried to stop, but it feels so good that I can't. Talking to people? All they will say is "Be strong, be positive." Please, I've tried. If it was so easy, I'd have done it. It's like asking a poor man to be more hardworking and get rich. Please, some people try but they can't do it. If it was so easy, everyone would be rich.

It got worse after I came back. I start out by coming home after school, and trying to distract myself, do homework and so on, till it's about 10 or 11, and I can't stand it anymore, there's a gnawing pain and aching in my chest, butterflies in my stomach and all I can do is bite on my knuckles and then, the pain floods in as I start thinking, and I cry my heart out, and it's horrible. I can't stop. But I found out, when I reach this climax of pain, I can control myself from crying and losing control by cutting.

It helps me, to feel physical pain. It makes me calm down and gets rid of the butterflies in my stomach and lets me find peace. It keeps me from feeling like all I want to do is commit suicide. It makes me happy, to feel the pain and feel the pain in my heart dissolve away. I don't cut deep. I don't want scars. I use needles, to poke holes, or the tip of a razor blade to make small half-inch cuts that heal up fast and looks like a large papercut. It's not so much the pain, but seeing the blood flow that makes me calm down and breathe.

After that first cut, I find myself going back to the knife all the time. At first I didn't want to. I thought it'd make me lose my self respect. But now i realise, my self-respect is long gone. I cut myself because I hate myself. I have no respect or love left for myself. This is the only thing that keeps me in check and keeps me happy for a while.

Almost everyday I go up to the top and dare myself to jump, but I never have the courage. But after I started cutting, I don't feel that urge. It's a good thing. It's not so much him leaving me that brought all this, it's that all the pain, rage, disappointment and dead hopes that finally boiled up from everything. I just don't want to do life anymore. I've lost interest.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Password Protected

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&the time is 9:20 AM
posted by Ena ♥

i can't sleep. at night a thousand memories runs through my head - the first time we texted and how many laughs we got, the first time you called me, how you told Guo Unn you think you found the one just a day after you met me.

I remember the first time we cuddled in the car at college and how wonderful it felt to feel your arms around me. Slowly, I got used to it. What happened? How after we sort of frenched for the first time you asked me, "Did we just French kiss? haha maybe that's why I want you more =) ."

After it's all over, the magic of the first few months now haunts me at night. How we PDA-ed at Pyramid and how nice it felt to have your hand in mine, that magic spark when I hugged you everytime. How I leaned into you. The times when we went to Genting, when I first met your friends. The countless times you kissed me goodnight. Tumblr pictures.

I remember that video I made for you. How after you watched it you said you'd stay. How after that you said you'd try when I already knew it wasn't going to work. How we stopped the games and broke up for real.

I can't help the tears from falling.. I tried to bring in the bad memories. How I couldn't stand it whenever you liked to bring dirty innuendos in every innocent conversation. How you nagged me and got angry at me for pinching you. That one time when you tried to take advantage of me when I was drunk. I'm trying to hate you, trying to recall the things we don't have in common, trying to remember all the anger and fights. How you valued friendship more than me. How you always thought period pain was nothing. How you never tried to connect to my friends.

But all I remember is how complete it was to have you next to me in bed, how lonely it is now.

I guess I really miss you.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 11:35 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I'm in a lot of pain. I am, because of you. For a while, I thought I was fine. But in the end my heart wins, and tells me I miss you.

I know it's wrong for me to expect anything from you, but then you keep telling me you care. You keep telling me you still care, and just a few days ago you told me you still love me, and you're wondering if we can get back together. You tell me you're very confused, and indeed everyday you are changing your mind.

But I'm so tired of hating you, tired of trying to forget you and pretend it's nothing. So this is me, saying this again. I miss you, and I love you. I'm willing to forgive everything that has happened and put it behind us and start again. I don't know if you can. I can feel your anger at me. At times you will suddenly bring up some mistake I did in the past like always being angry at you, and even now a small thing I say piss you off because you're so full of anger at me.

At times I feel like you don't care about me.. Like today when I asked you if you'd take me to the clinic. I thought you would care at least that much, but instead you rather hang out with friends. And you left me alone. It made me wonder what if I fainted in front of you, would you care enough to call an ambulance? If I died, would you attend my funeral? It made me feel like if anything happened to me, you wouldn't care at all.

A lot of shit is in my life now. JPA shit, my grandfather is in hospital. Do you know that? I want to talk to you, but you are never willing to listen. You hurt me so much, yet I still love you. You ask me to be strong, well, I am strong. But in some ways, I can't stop myself, I can't stop myself from hurting myself even when I hate myself for doing it because I know since you don't care, why should I give a fuck. I know it's the wrong mentality, but once you start, you just can't stop.. I can't stop myself from doing it to numb the pain.

But at the same time, I can feel you still love me. I can still feel you haven't moved on completely.

All I can say is, can you put the past behind us? Can you? Can you think it through? If even one part of you still remembers our sweet memories and beautiful times together, then it's worth it. All our struggles will make our love stronger. If we can overcome this obstacle, we can overcome anything. That's all I can say. We're two people who care about each other, and I wish we were together again.

It's time for me to go.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 3:16 AM
posted by Ena ♥

This is for all the girls out there

Who thinks they're fat, or ugly

Whatever they think

We don't have to care

We're beautiful no matter what they say.

So you're not a size zero?

Maybe you've eaten too many Chitos

Thunder thighs and potbellies

Screw them, ain't no Barbie dolly

I'm big, so what?

More of me to love,

So yeah I'm fat,

You can re-read the above

I don't look like fucking Barbie,

Don't have no boobies

So what?

My boobs got the same engine

It's all the same milk machine

I don't look like Angelina Jolie

I'm not sorry

I'm not six foot tall either

But to hell with it

 

 

ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

WHO RUINED MY CHILDHOOD

SAYING I'M UGLY

OR FAT

OR SHORT

OR JUST CALLING ME A

FUCKING UGLY CHINESE GIRL

Whatever.

I'm going to be your boss in the future.

May you all rot in hell.

 

 

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&the time is 10:03 AM
posted by Ena ♥

But I do. And maybe I'm the one who's pushed you away, but right now I'm trying so hard yet it seems like every little thing I do isn't going to bring you back.

Back when it was a fun fling when I could walk away anytime, when your words of commitment scared me, I could leave anytime, I was free, in control. And now? I care now. I care so much more. And as usual, he's changed.

You've changed.

I wonder why. Is it because I've said a blunt NO to all possibilities of sex so I'm not that interesting anymore? i hope it's not that.

No matter what I do, I can't get you back anymore..

Here I am, sitting around rejecting plans with my friends, spending the last couple of days in this place waiting for you to ask me out, to make plans with me, for special dates with me. But no.. I'm just wasting my time. Waiting.

When I was playing hard to get, he seemed to want me more. Maybe now I'm too available? I don't know. I wonder if he still loves me, at all. He's stopped caring about me, my health, my life, he doesn't really find me anymore, he doesn't talk much on the phone. I really don't know..

It's so much scarier now that I love him so much. I can just pray that I won't be so broken if he leaves. I wish I hadn't been foolish. To fall for you, eventually. I wish I'd walked away when I could..

Now I'm in too deep, and I don't know if anyone can save me from the inevitable heartbreak and pain. From caring too much about somebody who's already starting to stop caring.

Do you still love me? I dunno.

Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Password Protected

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&the time is 7:13 AM
posted by Ena ♥

He's the kind of guy who flirts around, making every girl feel special, giving every girl hope, and hiding his advances surreptitiously from other girls. He's the kind of charming, cheeky guy who melts you down when he smiles, but his personality in front of girls is different from when girls aren't around. He tries to impress and befriend every girl, without meaning to, and is friendly to a point of leading them on, making them feel flirted with. He makes the ugliest girls think there just could be, might be, a small chance that he likes her.

Despite all this, I'm still crazy about you in ways that are incomprehensible. When we sit close together (like I know you do with all girls) I feel happy. I want to run my hands down your arms and put them around you, and lie on you, and I've been feeling that since Day One. Your smell is intoxicating, and your eyes make me stutter if I'm caught off guard. When you look for me, you make me happy. When you joke with me or approach me or tease me, or make some comment about my hair, or want to take pictures with me, I'm happiest.

It's weird to feel this way, because we're good friends, and you're not looking for commitment, and I have someone. When you tell other girls stuff that you tell me, or the thought that you treat other girls the same way as you treat me, it hurts like hell. Because I just want to cling on to that one hope that I'm special, and there might be a slight chance you like me, though the possibility of anything happening is zero.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 9:31 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Seeing you again. Made me so happy like crazy. You smiled when you saw me. I wonder if you DO have any feelings for me? If not your eyes wouldn't light up that way. Or am I just imagining it?

When you went up to me and poked me and said I looked skinnier and laughed, I just couldn't stop smiling. When you sprayed me with deodorant just because "you want me to smell like a guy" I almost died because of how cute you were. When you told me you fought with Albert just because of me. When that first day we met, I had this sudden crazy urge to just put my arms around you. When you dared me to sit on your lap, I almost did . I just want to kiss you tenderly.

I just feel like you complete something in me. But this is insane. I'm taken.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 7:10 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I'm so obsessed with you. Every time I'm around you I will want to trace the shape of your cheeks, the shape of your hard stomach or strong arms.

Every time when I see you, I imagine a lonely place where we kiss, but I know it's insane because we're just brothers and sisters, and you like another girl, and you'll never like me. I know it's just this physical attraction between us that's keeping me crazy, that's making me feel this illogical way.

Everytime when I step into your apartment, I smell your scent, and I don't want to leave. You scent is the number one thing that draws me to you.

When I see you wet and sweaty from basketball, I just want to lean over to you. When you play the guitar I swoon a little. When I see you shirtless I find myself unable to function and I'd leave the situation before I burst.

No, I am not a sex maniac fantasizing about him. I just.. think about him in this obsessive way. But we're good friends, and I love Carson and would never hurt him. And NOTHING will ever happen between him and I.

It's just that I have to fight my urge every single day to lay my head on his shoulder, and close my eyes.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 9:19 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I am not sure where I stand. But then again, I am not even sure what I really want. So it's best for me NOT to find out. But still me being me I have this burning curiosity to know.

Sure, it might seem one way to others and to me also but it also could just be nothing to him. It could just be a casual thing. I mean he's being clingy and all that to me now but who knows to him I'm just another random girl he has no attachments to.

Right now I still haven't fallen so deep that thinking of him with another girl makes me jealous or what. But I might, soon. And the only way to prevent myself from falling is avoiding him.

I'm not sure who I am or what we are. Just a casual fling? And do I even want to know? Maybe if I find out he's not serious, I'll feel hurt? I don't really understand myself. And if he tells me he's serious, I might freak out? Yet right now I'm wondering and questioning every move and every thing that's happening.

What's wrong with me? So screwed up.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 6:43 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I went out with someone today. And it just reminded me of how empty I was. How much I missed you. Everything reminded me of you. I thought if I went out, found someone else to hold, it would all be ok, I'd heal. But it just felt wrong and I kept trying to push him away everytime he tried to hold me.

Everything just reminded me of you. How I miss watching movies with you.

Why did I push him away? It scares me that I am putting up walls.. That I'm so incomplete.

I was attracted to that guy from hospital (ahem). So maybe it's just no chemistry right? Or am I just incapable of loving again?

Everytime he tried to touch me, I would avoid it because it felt so wrong and as if I was cheating on you. Though of course, I'm not.

How do I get you out of my head? I just wish one day I can wake up and you'll be out of my head and I'll never think about you again.

Truth is, I can't live without you. I'm dying inside.

I just want you to protect me again. I do. I remember you telling me you can't imagine how your life would be without me and how devoted you were to me.. How you would never ever want me to leave because you need me.

So now, you don't need me anymore.

I'm not going to say you lied and I fell for it. Because.. I still believe your lies. I still believe we had love and I still believe I ruined it.

I don't want to hurt the guy I'm talking about in this post so I hope no one tells if I give you my password.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 9:19 AM
posted by Ena ♥