When I'm looking at how
The wind makes ripples in the water
But my thoughts are only of you
That's love.

When I'm falling asleep
With moonlight shining in
But I'm only missing your touch
That's love.

When I'm laughing at a joke
Till my sides ache
But I'll want to tell you too
That's love.

When I'm enjoying my fries
At some random McD
But I want to share 'em with you
That's love :)

Disclaimer: But ice cream's still off limits.



A very blonde and drunk picture.

Labels: Daily Rain, Happy in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 10:16 PM
posted by Ena ♥

It's not too soon to forget what pain feels like.

Sometimes I think nothing can be more painful than say, losing your first love, or first family member, and so on. Or am I just sentimental that way?

Being back here sort of reminds me of how broken I was. The clammy hands, the anxiety, the pounding heart and sharp pain in the abdomen, accompanied by a constant sense of loneliness and as if tears could at any second overflow.

That is something I never want to feel again, if I can avoid it (which is pretty impossible). Everyone changes, only when something ends do you realise that the person that you used to love has changed, and how different they are. Everyone will show their cruel side, and it'll catch you off guard. Be warned. You'll never expect it, and you wouldn't be able to believe it.

I remember days of just lying in bed staring at the ceiling, and not even eating one bite for days. I remember everytime I brushed my teeth and looked in the mirror I would cry and automatically whenever I cry, I'd gag and vomit. I have no idea why but whenever I'm very upset, I get really bad gastric.

I am very impressed whenever I let my mind wander back to those times of intense pain and crying every night, etc. Because I was strong enough to withstand it. I know I can do it again. But at the same time, I doubt I'd let anyone in that deep as that one time. Experiences change people in ways that are often permanent.

But when I can look back at the memories and smile because they happened, and not cry because they ended, do I truly know I have closure. Being the romantic sentimental girl I am I'd always care. Once you love someone, you'll always leave a piece of you with that person. That's what I believe.

This post was inspired after a certain trip to a nearby bridge. Looking over the bridge, feeling the wind on my face, I felt strangely melancholy. I know that if it had been 4 months ago, I'd have cried and thought bitter thoughts, as I do in every emo/beautiful setting. But now, I'm fine. Yet it got me thinking. And after reaching home, I took out the Box and packed it away without even thinking about it. It symbolises something, though I don't know what.

Maybe.. Peace? :)

Labels: Happy in the Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 2:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I miss my old hair before I did anything to it. It was nice and I liked it :(

Now my hair is layered and thin and short. It's not nice and flowy like it was :(

The volume and length is still acceptable.. I mean, hair can grow. And it is more manageable. But the colour went wrong. It's now so light that it scares me. I wanted a rich, warm brown but it turned out so yellowish brown.

Sad :(

Labels: Sad in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

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&the time is 8:03 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Old hair.

I got a haircut. And now I miss my old hair so badly :( I mean I complain a lot about how too long and thick and unruly my hair was but.. I miss it being thick and luxurious. It was so pretty and now my hair is layered and thin :(

But I guess at times my hair looked a bit overpowering. At times it looked nice.



When it looked nice and thick :)

 

"I love when and how you say I love you. I can feel the meaning behind your words. Im sorry that I laugh a little when I say I love you too, but baby I'm glad I'm here with you."

 

Labels: Daily Rain

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&the time is 5:44 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Yea, I'm home again. It feels good to be home here again, seeing the same old sights that I've grown up around for the past 18 years. So nice to breathe Kuching air, to drive past familiar buildings. But at the same time, something's changed. I know that it's the start of a long process of no longer being home. Growing up, getting a job, getting my own place.. It's inevitable, and this is the start of it.

I remember the day before I left, when I looked at my bed and said goodbye (LOL i did). And I wondered when I would see it again, and now here I am. In bed.

I feel a bit disconnected, as if the past few months haven't happened at all.

I miss KL though, and I am a bit sad thinking of all the fun they're going to have without me there in KL :( I'm going to miss late night outings.

And of course, I miss a certain person too :)

Labels: Happy in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 8:25 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I'm so obsessed with you. Every time I'm around you I will want to trace the shape of your cheeks, the shape of your hard stomach or strong arms.

Every time when I see you, I imagine a lonely place where we kiss, but I know it's insane because we're just brothers and sisters, and you like another girl, and you'll never like me. I know it's just this physical attraction between us that's keeping me crazy, that's making me feel this illogical way.

Everytime when I step into your apartment, I smell your scent, and I don't want to leave. You scent is the number one thing that draws me to you.

When I see you wet and sweaty from basketball, I just want to lean over to you. When you play the guitar I swoon a little. When I see you shirtless I find myself unable to function and I'd leave the situation before I burst.

No, I am not a sex maniac fantasizing about him. I just.. think about him in this obsessive way. But we're good friends, and I love Carson and would never hurt him. And NOTHING will ever happen between him and I.

It's just that I have to fight my urge every single day to lay my head on his shoulder, and close my eyes.

Labels: Password Protected

0 comments

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&the time is 9:19 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Have you ever wondered what is the meaning of life?

I have. Yesterday I was in the shower looking at the water swirling down the drain. (I'm not trying to imitate some Zen people or trying to be funny). And I suddenly lost myself. I felt so detached.

Wondering what am I going to do with my life. Wondering about what doors lay open to me, wondering when I shall die, and whether I can die satisfied. I look back and envy my life as a little girl, I was so curious and the world always seemed like a bright, inexhaustible place, where there'll always be excitement and wonders.

As a little girl, my head went places unexplored. I remember once when I was 5, I wondered, is vision always the right side up? If I turn upside down, would the magic of my eye flip my vision upside down so I still saw the world straight side up? And I curiously wondered, so how do we ever know if we're upside down or the right way up? I decided to do a little experiment and hung my head down from the edge of the bed. Disappointingly, I saw the world upside down. My theory was disproved. But being a child, I would then go next to the car and try to figure out why it worked. I would go to the drains and wonder why water flows this way and not the other. I had such an inquisitive mind, and I devoured every single piece of information. I believe my 11 year old self was way smarter than now.

At 11, I had read all the classics worth reading, Great Expectations, David Copperfield, Tess of d Ubervilles, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Hamlet, Merchant of Venice, and other contemporary classics. Narnia I read when I was 8, I knew about it long before there was a movie about it. I read books on every thing available, I knew how supermarkets were run ( from produce deparment to sales), I knew how a tractor worked, I knew why elevators went up, I knew why people don't fly off roller-coasters, I knew which of Jupiter's moons were fiery and which weren't. I was... wiser.

And now? I'm like every other girl in the crowd. Just an insignificant speck, threatening to be engulfed by the sea of exceptional people. So why am I such an empty shell now? I miss being a little girl, who saved up money just to buy an edition of Ivanhoe, call me a nerd or whatsoever, but I was happy back then, in my own little world, with my big dreams of changing the world, with my reassurance that I had been born to bring big changes to the world, never doubting that one day I'll be great.

I didn't change the world. The world changed me. I have had a fortunate life I know. But I'm just like everybody else. I'm glad I'm not in a war-torn country or dying of famine. Yet, everything seems to lose its meaning. Daily banter with friends, random chit chat, gossip, forgotten as soon as I go to sleep.

I grew up, and lost myself. And I don't know where that part of me is anymore, whether it's still there, whether I can ever access it. When I'm brooding about this.. I get so upset.

Do I want to die like this? No. Do I want to die before experiencing or doing something meaningful? No.

I want to know what's the meaning in my life. I'm always thinking of the bigger picture and how small I am in it, and how life flows by like a stream flows down a mountain. Time flies, and now where am I? Being a shallow, dissatisfied person living life just because it's NOT BAD.

After thinking all this, I turned off the water and left the shower. That night, I tossed and turned in my sleep, every time sleep crept nearer my thoughts would get more and more jumbled and I'd wake confused. The answer was so close to me every time I drifted away, but never within my reach.

Philosophical much? I know. I don't understand myself. But this is what goes on in my head, and burdens my shoulders.

I just want to thank that little girl many years ago, who was incredible in every way though she didn't know it. And I'm sorry the little girl is gone, changed by the cruelty of others, and by the passing of time. Nothing stays the same. I just hope one day my actions will have a ripple in the fabric of this world.

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 7:31 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I don't get why you're being so bitchy to me. Am i now one of those random people you used to dislike for no reason and laugh about with me in the past?

I can't say a single thing without you rolling your eyes and sneering "so? you go la bla bla." I can't say a thing without some backlash or criticism from you. I don't get it. And when you say you hate me, you don't even sound like you're joking anymore. Is it one of your mood swings or what? Because I don't like this sort of treatment.

I'm not neglecting you, you are doing that to me. And obviously you're not happy for me either for some reason though you always used to be. Wished you'd tell me.

Nonetheless, spent a day with Clare, Lynne and Guine. Everytime we gather, we'll talk about home, and all our memories. Starting to feel old. Now we're Teresian alumni, and nostalgic for the old days of nasi lemak and pinafores.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 6:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I went to Genting a few nights ago. It was awesome LOL a spur of the moment trip and I had an awesome time :)

Math test coming up, English presentation as well. Feeling a little sad and worried about life and school and money :(

And I don't have anything to wear :(



With a tweak of lighting :)

 

 

 

Labels: Daily Rain

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&the time is 1:26 AM
posted by Ena ♥

This is what I was afraid of.

The fear of losing a person keeps me from wanting to even have someone in the first place. And now looks like I'm probably going to lose something before it even began : )

I never asked you to stay. I never asked or forced you to try. From the start I was clear about what kind of messed up and emotionally unstable girl I am. It's just up to time to see WHEN the last straw will break the camel's back.

It's ok to give up. I'm used to that happening to me. Might as well do it before you get so sick of it that you can't even look at me anymore.

I never forced or asked you to do anything, and I never want to. Leave, or stay, on your own accord. You don't have to fill any roles or responsibilities to me.

Wondering why I am so messed up sometimes. Maybe I should best be left alone forever.

To wrap it up, photos of MY BIG FACE as usual..



A very over-used outfit.



And a very vain picture.

Labels: Sad in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 4:27 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Was bored. Was waiting to be picked up. Had a camera, and a full length mirror and a good hair day. Good combo for camwhoring. TOOK A LOT.

Don't hesitate to comment on how ah lian I look or judge me or whatsoever :) It doesn't bother me at all.

 

Labels: Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

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&the time is 9:21 AM
posted by Ena ♥

There are some days when I look at myself in the mirror and I hate my reflection so much, I want to smash the mirror. Because I'm ugly, and chubby and everything looks so ugly, and I'd rather be dead than be so imperfect.

There are some days when I disappoint not only myself, but everyone who cares.. These are days I seriously contemplate just ending it there, but I know if I did, it'd disappoint them more.

There are days when I just don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to face anyone, don't wanna bother with the charade of putting on a pretty smile and laughing and being bubbly and funny and making small talk and jokes and being friendly and checking my body language (keeping arms and legs uncrossed, palms open) all this shit ends up not worth my time. SO WHAT? So I want people to like me. So much that I lick their asses so much my nose gets stuck in their assholes. BUT FOR WHAT? In the end, everyone finds faults with me, and find some, ANY reason to dislike me, dismiss me, label me, and throw me aside.

It is a competitive hellhole here, and I feel miserable for not having lived up to expectations, or disappointing myself.

I also am trying to lose weight and save money. With discipline, I hope I can. Trying to cut down on meals and snacks and resorting to walking up and down stairs everyday.

The only advantage here is the boys. Never had so many crushes on pretty nerds in my life LOL. What more to say shirtless nerds ♥

But yeah. First I'd have to go back to my previously slim figure before they'd even pay me attention.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 11:43 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Labels: Life in Rainy School, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

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&the time is 6:37 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Hi everyone. I'm taking a momentary break from studying (right!) and doing stupid crappy wasting time assignments. It's my second all-nighter in a row, and it sucks frankly. I'm so tired I can barely keep my head propped up, I feel worried and crap and sick and tired.

Firstly, the ATM machine screwed up my account and didn't give me my cash. So now I have to wait till Monday before I withdraw anything. Secondly, I used up a lot of money for this month in the previous month. So I am so screwed over it's not funny. I don't think I'd be able to eat for the last 5 days I'm here. And I'm feeling super depressed when I can't go places with my friends because they can spend more than I do. FML.

And one thing I'm fucking stressed. Consequences of doing things last minute. But that's just how I function I guess. Screwed up people work in screwed up ways.

And lastly, I'm also facing a problem I've never faced before. I'm facing a weight problem WTF. Clothes are getting tight and there are bumps here and there that never existed. I have no idea why. In Kuching I'm constantly losing weight because I forget to eat and I have very small appetite. But here, I have McD (which is like fucking a million calories), and I eat out, and obviously I have to finish it even when it's a giant portion. Plus snacking and all that shit. I'm more active, like I walk everyday, but still it doesn't seem to help.

I can cry every time I look in the mirror. Yes I'm still skinny but I don't intend to balloon till I can't fit into anything. So tomorrow, a strict apples-and-salad regime and jogging and starvation and dieting till this madness stops.

I shall go back to my last minute studying now. :(

But first photos!



I love this picture :) and I took it myself :D



The crazy morning where I woke up at 6.45 and put on a ton of makeup and camwhored LOL SO BLONDE.



Eyebags!



First time I posted a barefaced, lens-less photo on my blog LOL.

All photos are unedited. HAHA. I'm eating durian now. And one more thing I'd like to share :

Something that makes me happy and smile with a glow till now :) It's a small thing but I've never known it before. There was this guy I barely knew. A coursemate and we rarely talk and he's sort of a shy quiet type. And he asked me if my hair was dyed and I said yes it was, why? And he sort of looked taken aback and then mumbled "It's very beautiful".

Despite the fact he complimented my hair colour and not me (LOL), it makes me super happy because well, it's so sincere and heartwarming when someone tells you you look beautiful, and they don't even know you. He didn't mean it in a flirty way, in a pickup line way, and it wasn't obligatory like your boyfriend or your mum telling you you're beautiful, neither was it in a sleazy way like those ah bengs at the roadside who honk me when I'm walking to college and actually slow down as if I'm a hooker.

So yeah, encounters like that make me feel that life is a wonderful thing sometimes and there's still good and kindness in the world :) It made a girl happy to know that for that one day a stranger thought she looked beautiful,  especially since it was on a very crappy day. Thanks :)

Labels: Life in Rainy School, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 9:58 AM
posted by Ena ♥

You can say I'm an airhead or whatsoever, but I am SPUNKY.

I seriously dislike people with little personality or who is really, really dull. For example, those quiet people with no opinions of their own and every time you want to ask them something they'll be like duno never thought about it.

At least I can hold an intellectually stimulating conversation.

I used to devour encyclopedias like water when I was 11-15. I literally borrowed 20 books a week from 3 libraries and spent all my time reading till I finished most of the books and stopped. I know more than you, dickhead. I have more general knowledge than you ever will have. I can tell you anything from how Jupiter's moons are special to how elevators work to naming Renaissance artists or how the brain works. And I could have told you wayyy before I was even learning History or Biology. my 12-year-old self knew more than you now. And just for your info, I can still remember my History from Form 1 to 5 even though maybe not as much as you but I at least comprehend world history.

Sheesh. Can't stand people like this. Feeling pissed and stressed now.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain

8 comments

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&the time is 3:12 AM
posted by Ena ♥

This blog is pretty much dead LOL.
0 comments

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&the time is 7:54 PM
posted by Ena ♥