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Sunday, July 31, 2011
In Your Faces :)

I love the way I am. I love how I look like a freaking bimbo and no one would EVER guess I scored 9a+ in my SPM. I love how people judge me, because they don't know what they're missing out on since I'm so fun that without me they'll be bored to tears. I love how people think camwhoring is one of the 7 deadly sins and I should be hanged because I have more than a thousand photos on Facebook, because it just shows how afraid they are of displaying their faces online.


Blerghhh.. I don't need you. Think what you want, I'll just say what I want : 


I'm a Libra and I think like a man, but reason like a woman.

Anyways, I learned a new term from Clare today. BOB. Which stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend aka Vibrator HAHAHAHHA.

And lastly one interesting quote I saw which is what I believe in most of all..

“Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never be fully fixed.”


(Source: cool-kids-cant-die)

Moral: Don't ever lose yourself too much. Love yourself, and keep your identity no matter what shit happens :)

Freaking WTF picture of myself I took in English class :D

)

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4 comments

&the time is 5:20 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Once and For All
Something quite amazing has happened to me. And I no longer want to that girl who's always holding back and always being uncertain, when I'm naturally the kind who wants to announce to the whole world, and love with all my heart and soul and give everything I've got. Seriously, I just want to put aside the uncertainties and worse case scenarios and I just want to announce to the world everything that I'm happy about.

I've met someone who makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and who makes me feel special and who makes me able to trust again. :) And best of all, I've met someone whom I can talk to and who makes me happy. So though the road ahead is uncertain, I'd just like to take this moment to smile at all the memories so far since the first day we met.

I guess it's not how long you've known a person that determines the strength of your feelings for them, but instead it's just how much trust and love you have in that person. Sometimes trust and love comes naturally despite any barriers you put up to protect yourself. In the end, I just have to embrace it : )

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1 comments

&the time is 8:30 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Random crap post
Sometimes I just wanna be alone. Sometimes I look down the balcony and contemplate jumping down out of curiosity. Does that qualify as mentally unstable?

Wondering if it means more to me than it should. Wondering if I'm taking things too seriously.

Here's something interesting I heard from my friend's Facebook:

"When guys don't want your body, you feel unsexy. When guys want your body, you think they don't love you but they only love your body. When you're single you're jealous of couples. When you're in a relationship you want your own space. When they give you flowers you think they're feeling guilty. When they don't you nag them."

Ahhh. People's mentality LOL.

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2 comments

&the time is 9:55 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Sick
Yes it's true. Another slightly depressed blog post.

Sometimes it feels like I can't do it anymore. Or am I just in PMS.

I hate being so broke like this. Makes me understand why some college students go prostitute themselves (not that I would but yeah. ) I always took for granted the food on the table, the newly washed clothes, the familiarity of home. I miss my family. I'm sick of going out everyday, I'm sick of eating bread and crap, I miss home cooked meals and I HATE BEING BROKE.

I can't even enjoy life like this scrimping over every single penny. It makes me feel like such a miser and depresses me. I like how I can go around and stuff. But I hate how I can just fall asleep for 5 hours in the afternoon and no one will bother to wake me or advise me. I hate how I wake up and stare at the ceiling and think about how life right now is just a bit sad.

True, I have lots of my old classmates here, and I live in a cool apartment in a pretty fun area. People from college are so far awesome. I am quite emotionally satisfied but it's just that.. Bad things keep happening. I broke a mug and I totally broke down this morning.

In my whole house, I only talk to one housemate, Cassandra. She's the only one who is friendly enough. The rest are friendly, but distant at the same time. And now I bet they hate me because I posted an angry Facebook status about the dirty dishes in the sink and they think I'm a whiny bitch who can't tell to their faces.

Sure, what's wrong? Just go home and stay at room la. Don't need go out and socialise. But for someone like me who is constantly needing attention and wanting to fit in and not be left out.. It's hell. They talk every night and laugh and shout and I have no idea how I can join in. And I don't want to. Sometimes I want my privacy. And yeah. We're just not on the same wavelength. I'm trying to be friendly but we just DON'T CLICK. I just have no interest in their topics and they also shut me out. I talk about boys, clothes, crude jokes, I bitch. I don't talk about what they talk about.

I guess I feel neglected and separated and disconnected from my housemates and it sucks because.. I just want to be friends but it seems impossible. Not to portray it like they're bitches who won't speak to me because they're not, but they have things like same shirt together and so on without me (but if they asked me I wouldn't wear it anyway). Do you get it now? I want to be friends but I just can't. I have nothing in common with them and I don't dress the same way and it's just a bit depressing being shut out.

This is life, lonely. Maybe I am shutting them out but that's always been my problem. I don't let people get close. I push them away when they get close because I can't handle how they can affect me.

In the end, I don't know what I'm trying to say. At the same time, things have been happening that are too good to be true. So good that if I said it it might jinx it. But at the same time, there are things which ARE too good to be true. Which makes me wonder how long me being happy can last and how much it'll hurt when it's over. Which is a scary thought.

Thus ends this depressingly dark cynical post.

PS. And what's worse is knowing my foundation will be over soon and I'll be stuck doing something that I don't want to do. And I will regret it. For life.

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0 comments

&the time is 7:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Sunday, July 24, 2011
:)


Photo taken at Petaling Street!

Everything is really crazy and unreal that i can't really believe what is happening , but it's all in a good way. Caught in a whirlwind must be an appropriate term for what I'm feeling. But right now I don't even want to think about you not being there in my life. So yeah. Call me crazy or naive or whatever, but when I say it back, I mean it : )

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1 comments

&the time is 10:19 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Fucking Shit
Ok I'm just annoyed with the world now and I'm going to systematically list why my day today SUCKSSUCKSSUCKS.

1. Firstly, IT IS SO FUCKING HOT NOW WTF? Ok I know I can't blame the weather but please la. I really need air con. It is so bloody hot.

2. I spent like 50 bucks today on transport, groceries, food and movie tickets. I can't believe I had both lunch and dinner outside. I mean, food is not a necessity. I can easily get full with crap like bread and H2O but instead I had pizza and all sorts of crap which will still end up as shit in my toilet bowl.

3. My mum passed Clare a mug to me. And I left it at Burger King yesterday and when I went back it wasn't there anymore and the people said they didn't see it. FML. It was apparently given to my mum by my uncle before he passed away. HOW SHOULD I EXPLAIN THIS SHIT TO MY MUM?

4. The bag my mum gave me which is like the bag my grandmother bought her when she was in her twenties... =____= it suddenly has 2 big brown splotches on it. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS IT. It's a leather bag. Did I spill anything on it? I don't think so. It won't come off. It looks like I spilled acetone on it or something but I DIDN'T. I googled and it said to remove

Dark stains(i.e. food, blood, etc.): Make a paste of one part cream of tartar to one part lemon juice. Rub paste on the stain and leave it on for 10 minutes. Remove the paste with a damp rag and moisturizing soap, as described above for general cleaning. Buff the leather dry with a soft cloth or towel.

WTF IS CREAM OF TARTAR?

5. Walked all the way home. Fucking tired and FUGLY. Fucking sweaty (refer to point 1).

6. Came home to see my stupid sink full of someone's shit again. FUCK LA. So hard to wash your dishes meh? SLOB. Hope you die of infection from unhygienic surroundings. Fucking disgusting to clean my stuff in the sink you know? And it's going to smell after a long time. Please la. It's been so long and now you're doing it again. Shit.

7. Homework.

8. I am broke.

9. I am ugly.

10. Emotionally unstable now like wtf going to burst into tears one second and kicking the chair the next moment from sheer anger.

FUCK.

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3 comments

&the time is 6:54 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Friday, July 22, 2011
GUYS. PFTTTT
Ok you see right. If you're a guy and you ask a girl out, YOU ASK THE GIRL OUT, you should pay for her la. If not why did you ask her out in the first place if you can't even pay for her? I mean it's not like you guys always go out. I'm not saying you should always pay for the girl but it's sort of a special occasion. True la she's not your gf but pls la! You asked her out to meet you SO FAR AGAIN. And you didn't even offer to pay for her which is super rude. AT LEAST OFFER LA.

If you ask a girl out and you don't even bring her home or call her a cab but instead ask her take KTM or whatsoever alone at night? Don't you think it's dangerous? The least you could do is at least accompany her in the bus ride. But no you don't. Just let her wander alone till she has to call her friends and ask around just to know how to get home.

That's not a gentleman at all. And some more you made her pay for you too. Not cool. I feel pissed just hearing about you though I don't even know you. Way to go to impress a girl's friends.

 

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0 comments

&the time is 8:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sometimes things happen and spiral out of control and there's nothing I can do to stop it or prevent it anymore nor do I really want to. Some things are just bigger than my willpower or rationale or skepticism or doubts.

Just hope for the best, let yourself go. Not too much nor too little. But usually once the line has been cast it's almost impossible to reel it back. Thinking about that causes my mouth to go dry.

Sorry for the cryptic post. Life's treating me well. Going out almost everyday. Wishing MUFY was more challenging. I am finally free with no chains on me anymore :) I wonder if I've become immune to pain or am I now more vulnerable to it.

Just pray for me guys. Wish me luck and hope I'm protected from life's inevitable pain and trials. I hope if the blow does come, I'm cushioned from it.

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1 comments

&the time is 8:29 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Sunday, July 17, 2011
Screwed Up Thoughts =/
I am not sure where I stand. But then again, I am not even sure what I really want. So it's best for me NOT to find out. But still me being me I have this burning curiosity to know.

Sure, it might seem one way to others and to me also but it also could just be nothing to him. It could just be a casual thing. I mean he's being clingy and all that to me now but who knows to him I'm just another random girl he has no attachments to.

Right now I still haven't fallen so deep that thinking of him with another girl makes me jealous or what. But I might, soon. And the only way to prevent myself from falling is avoiding him.

I'm not sure who I am or what we are. Just a casual fling? And do I even want to know? Maybe if I find out he's not serious, I'll feel hurt? I don't really understand myself. And if he tells me he's serious, I might freak out? Yet right now I'm wondering and questioning every move and every thing that's happening.

What's wrong with me? So screwed up.

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0 comments

&the time is 6:43 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Saturday, July 16, 2011
Insecurity
I hate not being able to trust in people. I hate how I only believe the worst in people. How when something good happens, I only doubt it and think the worse of it.

When something is too easy, I think twice. I sometimes just want to make myself totally unavailable to everybody who's coming after me. I'm a funny girl. I don't like commitment. I don't like trusting in people. I don't like making myself vulnerable to others. I don't like sharing my feelings with people. I don't like to be honest about myself because I'm so afraid of judgement.

Sometimes things are just too fast and phrases like "Don't think too much" and "Go with the flow" (which I get all the time) don't apply to me. My middle name is Overthinking. Action speaks louder than words? False. Because I need words, and action AND time. Because people and feelings change ALL the time. You never know what's going to happen. Take a chance? Is it worth it?

I hate being afraid all the time that I'm going to get hurt. I seriously do. Which is why prevention is better than cure. But I can't seem to stop myself. After all I'm human, and I WANT to believe in the best, but reality and my own self doubting thinking really pours water in my face.

Anyways today very FML. Walked like 3 times from college to my apartment because the bus was wayyy too late. Watched Harry Potter Part 2 ♥

Intense feelings happening. Unsure of where I stand or what I am right now.

I tried so hard to put my heart in his hand last time but I failed. I always thought I had the upper hand and that I was in control and if anything happened, I would be fine and bounce back because I didn't give in too much. FALSE. Being a typical girl I did give in too much.

I'm not afraid to love again. I'm just afraid I won't be good enough for anyone because seriously, it feels so. Don't get those people who cheat and so on. For my mistakes I'm still blaming myself till now. If I had cheated or so on, I wouldn't live with myself. LOL.

I feel so caught in a whirlwind right now. And I'm so tired and broke every day.

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1 comments

&the time is 7:06 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I think too much. Way too much. I guess being happy scares me. Trusting a person scares me. It's so hard for me to believe what someone is saying without thinking they have an ulterior motive.

Trust? I rarely ever trust. Because, I know the sweetest guys cheat on their girlfriends, the best friends backstab you. I know people talk about me behind my back. I just choose to smile and ignore it. Doesn't mean it hurts less.

Not trusting someone, but wanting to trust someone.. This is the basis of all doubts.

Life is good here though. Despite being broke and starving, I have control of my life here. I'm independent and doing it all on my own :) and that's an amazing feeling.

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2 comments

&the time is 4:43 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Sunday, July 10, 2011
Hi everyone!
I'm in Sunway now and totally enjoying it. Not feeling a bit homesick at all. I made friends (phew!) and everything is great, my apartment, the people, the social life, the freedom and independence.

I can go out anytime I want, anywhere I want, with whoever I want. Of course, there are a few downsides like having to worry about where and what to eat, what to wear (and when I can reuse it so I don't have to do so much laundry) and worrying constantly about money but it's fine for me :) i'm adapting well. And since I'm not one of those spoilt kids who have always had a lot of parents' money to spend and am now at loss because ends don't meet, I'm really doing fine. Bought maybe a little too much though what with bags and a top and so on. And I have to buy a few hundred bucks worth of books and an extremely expensive calculator, so yeah. NEED TO STARVE.

I needn't worry about not making friends. I hope people in Sunway like my company? :) I have met some awesome people like Yee Munn, Cassandra and so on. And also Carson, since he blogged about me so I'll blog about him :D He's an awesomely funny guy who *used to be* very buff and he's extremely quirky and also act cute almost all the time AND he takes ugly pictures of me and causes me to lose about RM5 of credit a day AND he's prettier than me so I kinda hate him though he's awesome!



 

Gosh just look how much fairer he is in this picture! He motivates me to put on lots of skin cream.

Classes shall start soon! I missed my first class because I overslept WTF it was the most unlucky day ever and then my phone broke down and then my hairdryer went nuts and my laptop jammed and my broadband expired and it was such a Black Friday.

Movie tomorrow! I AM NOW SO BROKE THAT SOON I SHALL BE BOILING GRASS TO EAT. Still, I love my life here :)

 

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&the time is 6:29 AM
posted by Ena ♥