I want to make you dinner.

I want to go shopping with you.

I want to fold stars for you.

I want to share candy with you.

I want to call you and say hi.

I want to sing you a song.

I want to be there for you through everything.

I want to hear your problems and comfort you when you cry.

I want to drop everything i'm doing just for you.

I want to make you feel like you're the most special person in the world.

I need school.

School made me ok.. This is not ok.

You know why it sucks to be me?

I didn't make any new best friends or new friends after it.

I didn't really even hang out with my old ones.

Unlike you, new everything.

I need school.

Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 6:10 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I don't want to be a half-assed blogger anymore.. So, any suggestions?

Maybe I should do lens reviews? Makeup posts?

I almost quit wordpress and went back to blogger yesterday because I found out you have to pay to use other themes wtf.

How could I not have known that?

Okay I just ordered a Sugar Candy Brown lens. Either it will look totally fail or whatever. I promise when it arrives I'll take plenty of photos.

So far I've had:

Geo Nudy Blue.

Geo Nudy Brown.

Dreamy Grey (one of my fave lenses still) (I should throw it soon :( )

Blytheye Pink

A bunch of Freshkon circle lenses that have wayy too much moisture and superglues to my eyes.

Geo CK 101 and BC 102.. my school lenses.

My current Dueba Puffy 3 Tone blue which you see in my pictures.

 

Geo lenses irritate my eyes like mad. My Dreamy grey remains super comfy. My Blytheye was a bit defected and the right side hurts like hell so I've stopped wearing and besides they're too small. Geo Nudy Blue is awesome but Brown's colour is like wtf and they both hurt my eyes like mad.

I love my Puffy Blue but I get sick of it when I want to dress more subtle because it's such a bright lens that aunties literally stop to stare. And it's really quite big and dries quite fast in aircon but it still remains comfy.

My school lenses are super comfy, thank god. But they remain for school alone.

My Dreamy Grey is lovesss but I should toss it soon I guess?

Now on my wishlist are Hanabi lenses and Pop C Light lenses.

I am too lazy to dredge up my old photos of my old lenses because I don't want to go back to my past and see his comments on those photos hohohoho.

Okay one of my school lenses?



looking disgustedly bloated. this is a 6am picture wtf.

Labels: Daily Rain, Rainy Reviews, Random and Weird in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 12:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Too tired. No updates. Only getting 9 views a day LOL.

This is so sad.

Fast and Furious 5 was quite good in a cliche way.

Ahhh bimbotic picture of me again

 

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 10:34 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Yet I shall write one of them.

One of those long, rambling posts about life and deep moral issues and emo stuff that sounds like the writer of the blog is going to commit suicide soon.

Well it's 4.11 am and I have driving lessons at 10 tomorrow. So I should sleep and not crap.

But you see.. It's my dream to go to New York. Since I'm a 6-year-old toddler I've wanted to go there and stay there, and look now.

I can see my road ahead is deadly dull. I'm going to end up in KL, then come back to Kuching and work a dead-end job and suffer a horrible marriage (or be forever alone) and have annoying, ugly Asian kids and become depressed because I have achieved no dreams and commit suicide by 45.

Have I mentioned Librans commit suicide the most?

One day my ugly snotty Asian kid will come home and see Mommy hanging from the ceiling because she never made it to New York. hahaha this is so morbid now.

I sort of ran out of crap to say already.

School is OK I guess, I had my prefect's interview. It's holidays now and woooooo I'm not excited.

I've come to realise... I'm a desperate girl pushed up in the corner. I just can't stay here anymore. I CAN'T. It's not being lonely or heartbroken or whatsoever. I hate it. I'm going crazy. I go home and I hate it. I hate my room, I hate this stupid keyboard, I hate this stupid chair next to me strewn with all my favourite shoes. I hate these walls I'm staring at, I hate the people sleeping in those rooms who are my family but I hate the sound of their voice so much I skip meals.

And I know, when I get in the car and drive around, I hate every single thing I see. I can't stand it. The fucking flyover. The stupid Civic Centre. The Spring. Gawd, I want to bomb up that cibai building.

I am so sick. I just can't stay here anymore. I feel so choked up, like I have no room to move or breathe. I just want to be alone, living on my own.

You know what? When I go to the airport (my fave building) and board my plane and fly off, I will just turn off my phone and keep it at that.

Because seriously, I don't want to make any calls home or whatsoever. The fuck if anyone wonders where I am. I want to be free with no fucking strings attached.

I've been so cramped up my whole life, my house is literally a fish market, so is school. I am never just liberated and alone.

So after expressing hatred of home I can't wait to go off though it's just KL.

And this is why I will be stuck in a dead-end job forever, because I've got no guts to reject this scholarship.

On another opinion, someone did ask me how is my heart now. I was honest for once and said sometimes I'm still not over it and he said "HA? SO LONG EDY WOR??" See, I knew people would react that way. NAHH.

I don't want to come back even for semester breaks. My idea of happiness now? It's me, living in my apartment, and my friends all go home and I'm left alone in my apartment and I watch a nice show and eat a plate of hot noodles and it's just me all by myself.

I want to live like that my whole life. Unless I start to get horny and need company. But even then I won't need to break my solitude and get a guy. I can always get a vibrator.

To hell with company or friends or family. You know what they're good for? So when you die, your funeral is a full house. Basically, you're nice to people, get to know them, just so when you die they'll attend your party and make it look like you were awesome.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain

3 comments

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&the time is 12:27 PM
posted by Ena ♥

So... Here I am installing another copy of Microsoft Office before I can write my report to hand in on Wednesday to the matron nurse.

Today I was a bit late. Reached the hall like 9.05. Saw familiar faces. I had no letter or whatsoever (being an illegal person) so I just wrote my name. Everyone was dressed really formal. I wore long sleeves. REGRETS. When I reached home I was so sticky that I could barely unstick myself from the car seat.

Matron Fu(?) was the head nurse and I could see she was really experienced. She gave us quite a long briefing then we had a short teabreak and went to a meeting room where we had a crash course on hand hygiene. We had to learn how to scrub and also use alcohol-based hand sanitizer so that we can reduce infections. Quite interesting learning the two different kinds of aprons and protective gear, how to remove them, how to remove gloves, and what goes in the bins lined with yellow plastic (contaminated or soiled stuff) and the normal plastic bag bins.

Then we were assigned to different wards. I was assigned to Gynecology together with another girl called Fiona. Some others went to Peds Surgical, Female Medical, some went to the Emergency Room. So we went there, had a short walk then went to lunch.

Then we got horribly lost. LIKE HORRIBLY. Stumbling from stair to stair, finding blocks, going in and out of elevators. It was madness. The only clue we had was that our Gyne Ward faced a "Kini di Pawagam" billboard. So we ran around peeping at windows trying to find the damn board. There were 2 Gyne Wards so we were misdirected too.

When we went back the rounds were almost finished. Being not a doctor or med student, we were like so useless standing there doing nothing. It was sooo awkward cause we weren't sure what to do or where to go. Then a nice (and may I add extremely hot) doctor came and he was so cheery and all, he told us don't go med school, you'll regret it forever! Look at me, I have no life!

He was good with patients, and very cheerful, and passed me to other housemen, a Dr Faiz and Dr Amy. Dr Faiz was so nice, bringing us to the doctor's lounge and Dr Amy was like really pretty and bubbly, they told us where they went to school, said it's still ok as a med student though you do have less time compared to say Pharmacy students, Econs students, then Dr Faiz brought us to this 78-year-old woman with renal relapse(prolapse?) and I was familiar with this because a couple of my mum's friends had this.

Basically your lower muscles get weak and your uterus hangs out of your vagina. The end.

So this woman had 12 kids, and her daughter was there. It was really nice to see how the docs treated her, like a pat on the back "Apa khabar mak cik?" and drew out a diagram explaining what was hanging out and risks of whether it would come back, and if it "jatuh balik kena potong baru ke?" and the old woman was like "Sudah mati. Mati!" and she was like friendly. She was a  farmer and her daughter said she'd never been admitted before. She'd been feeling sick but didn't tell. I guess elderly people are like that.

Then she went for an exam :O and the doctor asked us to go see. At first I was like "Really? She won't mind?????" and he said we should stay if not how to be doctor. And she asked us jangan malu LOL. And we saw it la. Google it if you wish. Doctor pushed her cervix back in which was hanging out and used a vaginal speculum to stick it in. She needed surgery tomorrow (Hope I'll get to see it!) and the anesthesiologist told us about how if you have no teeth it's hard to use then after that Fiona and I went back to redundancy.

Basically we just stood at the corridor and read notices and walked up and down while nurses and patients gave us the LOL look and yeaa it was weird. After that we met up with some of the rest and they were pretty much useless like us also.

My ward no aircon btw. PANAS.

So, like 4-5 housemen I spoke to today told me PLEASE DON'T DO MEDICINE. Being housemen  sucks. But I guess as you go up it gets better right? Dr Faiz said, you get used to it one. Sure you don't have much time to go out (2 off days a month) and first few times on call sure tired, but you get used to being scolded everyday and asked to be kuli pretty soon. It's tough but a good job. And sometimes when you're wondering why on earth you chose medicine, go back to the reason why you really wanted to be a doctor in the first place.

I think it's the same though.. Like if I pick Business. If I really wanna climb up the corporate ladder I need to work hard and overtime everyday also right? If you want to excel you need to work hard. The way I see, being a doctor is ok. They can still wear so nice and joke around and be buddies like in school. They still have a sense of humour.

This is all I have to say. I guess it wouldn't be like Grey's Anatomy with so many new cases and interesting stuff. Most of the time it's paperwork, rounds, etc. But I really like seeing all this bizarre stuff but I don't know how I'll react to bloody stuff. Today was just organs falling out.

Tomorrow is mortuary day! *excited* :)

Now picture of the day...

Hugeass picture of me! :D

Labels: Daily Rain, Life in Rainy School

1 comments

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&the time is 7:56 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Crying alone in the night.

It's something I don't want to do anymore. I can't wait to fly off and forget.. Leave it all behind.

It hurts to see him comforting his girl friend and telling him things like smile more,  drink  more water, comforting her. Though I guess they're just best friends or what. But still, I'm jealous. It hurts so bad to know I'm not in his life but others are.

I try to read her blog just to catch a glimpse of your name. I mean.. I guess you guys are best friends and stuff but I'm just so jealous. I miss you so much.. Seeing you being so nice to another girl just kills me inside. I don't even think she likes me. I tried asking her about you before but she just totally brushed me off and I guess it's only acceptable.

Sometimes it feels like I'll never meet someone new again. This gnawing feeling in my tummy.. It just kills me literally.

Everything I did, I am sorry. I just want you to know I love you. It's so easy for others to forget their exes.. But for me? It's a struggle to stay afloat. I don't know why. It's not like I'm such an antisocial person and only had him. Or I had a rough family background and he was my only salvation. Maybe I'm just naturally born weak this way.

I wish I could pick you up and just kiss you. I wish I could just go out to Spring without being afraid I'd bump into you.

:'( anyone with advice? Sighs.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 8:28 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Today was quite an upsetting day. My day went downhill from break time, because as I passed as group of guys they started saying his name loudly. I mean, ok, maybe they didn't know we broke up, but still, it made my heart sink. For a second I was terrified that he was behind me. And after that, I totally lost appetite and had no mood. Not to mention I was sick today. My mucus is yellow so I know I'm sick.

Anyways I was really miserable after that. Just hearing his name made me like that.. Can you imagine if I meet him with some girl somewhere? I'd just fall apart. Then I was waiting for my car at church and miserably remembering all the times we met on Fridays, and missing him, feeling as if I'd do anything just to see him again.

Then I looked around and it just struck me how nice this scene was. Forgive me for being cliche but it was a nice, windy day (then) and the trees were so green and there were primary schoolgirls playing the slapping game and giggling just in front of me, and I looked at them and smiled at how happy they were, how much joy there was in their faces.

Six months ago, I would never have imagine I 'd have such a difficult period in my life, but I made it through. Sort of.

It's funny how much I can mature and grow up after stuff like this. And it always takes a really, really hard and painful lesson to make me more mature. In Form 3, I upsetted some people and set off a giant blacklash being public enemy no 1. And I learned a lot from there and I guess I was different after that. Maybe more able to think from someone's point of view? And this one taught me that life sometimes deals hard blows, and don't trust so easily, and also if you love someone, you gotta show it before you regret.

I guess I'm saying, there's a reason behind everything.

Labels: Happy in the Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 11:22 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I'm so xim tia now.

If you don't know, that means heartache.

I'm stressed about this whole scholarship thing, even though I'm going. I'm stressed about everything else. School is good but yeah, heartache.

It's him. Someone updated me about him recently, it's nothing just that he got a new phone and stuff. I don't want to dwell in this shitty mood anymore but yeah.

Seeing him call other girls boss, or posting on people's walls, or flirting with girls and leaving ♥ and all that, though I know he's not attached now but I know he' s not that sensitive, sweet boy I loved and he'll find some new chick soon and all. Seeing all that reminds me of his life passing by without me. Do you know it's his birthday soon? And it makes me miss him, and I just want to kiss him and call him dar and have him hold me again. That longing.

I used to be the light of his life.. the one who made his life happy and had meaning. Before that, his life was sad and dull he said being with me made him a better person because he started to think about his future and work harder for me.

Sighs.. but, I've gotta move on. And that's it.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain, Life in Rainy School, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 11:17 PM
posted by Ena ♥

My mood is spoilt so easily. Had a good day at school, and now I'm like so freaking shit-feeling.

CAN MY PARENTS JUST SHUT UP ALREADY? They keep saying all the wrong things. When I was feeling shit about my scholarship, they were telling me "Be grateful. It's not bad what! Good also no need go overseas!" which is like nice but it really hurt me and I wished they could shut up because it's NOT what I want. Now they tell me stuff like "Aiya no need appeal la sure cannot change your course one.. Biotech duno got job opportunity or not" etc etc like come on la just shut up ok?

Plus they want me to stop Form 6 and just rot at home. Hello? I could drive myself to school if you didn't fucking keep postponing my driving lessons till now MAY already ok? I wana buy laptop, buy camera since March but you guys delay, say see first, say go shop survey, say call shops, like fuck you la! Until now where got? I'm very stressed ok? You all blame me didn't do things properly.. my JPA forms haven't filled.. why is that?

Because I don't have a fucking printer, because after it broke down you guys fucking delay getting a new one. Since like... September till now? Because of that, a lot of scholarships I could have applied a lot easier but NO. I could have scanned and done things properly if you guys had just went and bought a fucking PRINTER.

Just leave me alone, all of you, and I hate you all.

And stop appearing on my news feed, PLEASE.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 1:22 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I didn't get what I wanted.

So I'm kinda utterly devastated now. Gone are my dreams of living through winter, and all that, gone shattered :) gone are my dreams of flying away from Malaysia, and it is so unfair.

Never mind, government wanna select doctors by race instead of merit? Let's see if our hospital mortality rate will go up lol.

I got Biotech at Monash anyways. Not bad I suppose.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain, Life in Rainy School, Random and Weird in the Rain, Sad in the Rain

3 comments

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&the time is 7:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Why must you be online everytime I am? And why can't you even accept my friend request? Sighs.

I'm still feeling weird going to school. I thought it would hurt a lot but it didn't so much so it's good. Ran laps in the stadium today, and remembered the last time we were there, you were so in love with me that you were holding me so tightly and everyone was teasing us and I was trying to push you away but I couldn't because you were just firmly holding on. That was on our 6 months anniversary, March 22nd 2010. I saw the squash courts we would hang out at, where you saved Clare from the killer squash ball.

I miss being able to annoy you. Seemed like I was forever annoying you. I tickled you, poked you, blew in your ear, and whined at you, until you got immune. You ever told me if I was guy you'd already punch me for disturbing you so.

But yeah. You told your friend that we broke up because you didn't love me anymore, and I know you wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. Besides you're not the kind to get lonely. Well, I don't really know you much anymore.

I'm embarrassed to even talk about this. It's been so long and it's embarrasing seriously. Not to be fine.. I'm ashamed. I think only those who read my blog know how empty I still feel and yeah. Other than that I do all I can to appear fine. To appear strong. But I'm struggling. I don't want to go back to flounder in emoness and be sad anymore. So I stopped. I don't even retweet those heartbreak quotes or whatever anymore. I WANT to seem strong and fine without you. I can live without you. I just wish I could replace you sooner than this.. It still hurts. And it's embarrassing to still hurt because of someone like that. All this because of a guy...? Sighs. There are moments I want to crawl in a hole and die.

I still, kinda love you.

Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 6:26 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I wish today could be the brand new start I needed.

Forget about the past, start a new life without you or any drama.

So let's hope it can be.

Labels: Daily Rain, Happy in the Rain, Sad in the Rain, Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 6:43 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I am so jealous of those people who are never lonely or sad. Those positive people even without a single sad thought. I don't mean like Miss Sunshine. Like those kind of people who are like, huh, lonely? I never think about it. They just shake it off and DON'T GIVE A FUCK. They don't even entertain those sad thoughts and they can just stop thinking when something sad happens.

Isn't that nice? Sighs. Makes me sick to see people being in love on Twitter or Facebook. When you're in love, every love quote seems to describe you. Sometimes I wish he would give me back the photoalbum. He said he threw it away, and yeah. But I'd just want it. For memories' sake. I mean, I remember I loved to go through our pictures in my phone. Made me so happy to see our pictures. Only now I realised I really really loved him a lot, but I didn't admit it in the relationship, I tried not to give it my all. I'm glad I didn't :) I had my guard up I guess, but I still believed him deep in my heart, that'd he never hurt me.

Being strangers really suck. Seeing you online still wrenches my gut like nothing can. I think I've moved on now, but I'll never fully heal. I don't know why. Don't badger me with wise quotes or what. It's just who I am, even if I'm unhappy. I mean, it's nothing like the pain in that first month, when it incapacitated me so much. Compared to that, what I'm feeling is like wonderful. Just a lingering feeling of loss that I think will take forever to heal and forget. I know he hates me a lot. He told others. He hates me so much he doesn't even want me as a Facebook friend.

I feel so nervous now about tomorrow.

Sighs to the max.

Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 7:12 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Yes today I'm making a list! Hooray for that. So, in no particular order:

1. The promises, hopes and plans for the future. Who has never remembered with a jolt that today is supposed to be your anniversary? Or that you were planning to go together to the dance next week? Who has forgotten the promises that the feelings will never change, that he'll always always love you and never ever leave you? Or those times we promised one another "I swear, no matter what happens, I will never ever leave you. I'd always be with you no matter what. Why would I leave? I can't live without you. I need you. " And now, that promise has been broken.

2. The moment you first met. The sweet times when you first met, when you'd never imagine it'd end like this, the times when you first fell in love, and how you swore to never hurt each other. If you had seen the future when you first got together, would you be able to believe it would end as it did?

3. The things you've done together. And this, must be the hardest part. Those sweet names, "bie", "darling", the everyday calls and texts, the gifts you've been given, the places you've gone. Till now I can't go to the beach without remembering that trip we made there. The hugs, the kisses, the movies you've watched, the dinners you've eaten together, the secrets you've shared. The mutual friends, the milestones in the relationship. The pictures.

4. What happens post-breakup. This depends on whether it was a bitter breakup. Mine consisted of me being blocked completely, and yea we never talked again. We're strangers, and that's good in a way. Keeps out hope. But it haunts, too, the way it echoes in your head, how did it end up like this?

5. The things that went wrong or was your fault. Ok this is the worst one. You should never think about this and blame yourself, but it happens. I know I should think about his faults. Like how he'd never do those little things for me, just a simple thing like once I asked him to touch a weird heart shaped bump on my face and he refused because it was weird. He never stood up for me, he rarely showed public affection, he seemed to value his friends' company more. But other than that he was fine. He got jealous but didn't control me, he rarely fought back, he always said sorry first, he tried to make it special, he never gave up on me in the beginning, never talked bad about me even when we fought. Which makes me feel awful for all the things I've done wrong and wish I could take back. Remembering times when he said "You always say you'd never leave me, but why do you always break up with me?"

Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Random and Weird in the Rain, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 10:01 AM
posted by Ena ♥

SERIOUSLY I'M JUST HATING YOU MORE.

When you're nice to me, makes me feel bad but yeah. The other day we were chatting. And I felt guilty for blogging about you but OMG JUST STOP BEING SO FUCKING ANNOYING TO ME CAN OR NOT? I said I'm worried if I go to college I might get some roommate who whines or steals or is just disagreeable. And he said "swt well people only do that to people they dislike. so up to u how u present yourself."

I know it doesn't sound like much but seriously.. WTF. IF I'M SO NICE TO MY ROOMMATE AND SHE STEALS MY STUFF? STILL MY FAULT COS I DIDN'T PORTRAY MYSELF LIKEABLY?

Pisses me much.

And last time when I'm down you'd nag me to tell you what's wrong. And when I do, I get this reply "== uhh, I don't really know what to say! Lol."

LIKE WTF, YOU DRAG A GIRL TO CONFIDE IN YOU, then say , uhh, I don't really care what to say laughsoutloud.

And now, like all I said was haha yr dp's pose so disturbing!

LIKE DUHH. I did not say you are ugly or what. But obviously, when a TIDAK HENSEM guy poses at the camera in an ah lian style, it's as a joke right? Like people go LOL your dp.

But he replies, umm, compared to yours, mine isn't as weird.

Like so bitchy? Wtf. My DP is just normal me smiling and it's unedited. Say my face weird ah?

I don't mean to be full of myself but I think some blind man also know I am 1000x prettier than you WTF.

This is the extent of how much you annoy me.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 9:24 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I have a friend and she had the tables turned on her as well. A guy who would never leave her and all. Dumped her. Only that one was a civil breakup. Like he still acknowledged their sweet memories. Unlike my story, which involves him never regretting turning his back and never acknowledging the sweet memories ever again.

I'm just a bit scared I won't find someone better. Because I do deserve better. Since he wasn't a great boyfriend at all lol.

Anyways today's emo paragraph is over. I'd just like to blog about how I think sometimes I'm a little screwed up.

Ok I do not kill animals or participate in incest FYI.

Sometimes I think I'm really screwed up because since I'm young, I've always contemplated to just kill myself off. Sometimes just for pure curiosity, sometimes when I'm really sad. I've been down a few times in my life. Sometimes I think I deliberately induce that depression. I remember when I was 5 or 6, I stood on my balcony and tried to jump down and my mum asked me why and I said I wondered how it felt like to hit the ground. And she dragged me away.

Don't you think that's a bit disturbing??

And there was once when I was 10 I was convinced that i was a witch. And I snuck out during full moon and chanted nonsense at the moon. WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.

I think that's just really wrong. I mean thank god I didn't go to worshipping Satan. Because he would so want my tormented soul.

And worse of all... When people die, I laugh. Like for real. This laughter just bubbles out of me and I'd laugh. It's sick and weird and I don't know why I'm so screwed up. Like when something really scary happens to someone, I'd laugh also. Like the time my brother hit his head and was unconscious and my mum thought he'd died. I just laughed. I don't know why my emotions are so inappropriate. I mean I feel sad, but my face just acts by itself in a grin.

Sometimes I imagine myself killing  people too.  Not just people I hate. Just some people that annoy me. Not twisted like chopping them into pieces or eating them.. Just, I want to kill them. Those that I really hate, I have this fantasy when I sneak up to them and chop into their back with an axe and they'd gurgle and die.

That's sociopathic right? I mean we all say "I want to kill her" but it's supposed to be figurative right? No one actually pictures it in images in their heads? But that's super rare. I mean I only get those weird thoughts when I'm really really angry. I've been very detached lately.

Do you think I'm possessed by a demon or something? I think I'm sick in the head sometimes but I think everyone has disturbing thoughts once in a while.. Right?

Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

3 comments

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&the time is 12:08 PM
posted by Ena ♥

PLEASE LA. STOP GIVING ME THE FUCKING ATTITUDE. You like to judge me about how I see the world, etc I'm not optimistic enough but you leh? LOL EMO MORE THAN ME LA everyday "Life is pointless sighss" "I just feel all alone in the world" shit like that at least I'm emo I say "I miss my ex" or what concrete reason not bullshit like you. Why are you being so fucking rude nowadays anyways? BEING SO SARCASTIC. STOP DISAGREEING WITH ME MUCH?

Like I say I love Twitter. Then you send me a long text about how you hate it. "I don't really care what people are doing all the time for what I like Twitter? " Like you're saying I kaypoh la. Ok then I defend it saying it's better than always needa entertain weird people on chatbox and can read inspirational quotes and stuff and you go all "I hate to read online stuff yucks." then I give up and haha it. Then next.

I post a link from Youtube on Facebook. You kao peh go comment "I don't know why people who are sad like to listen to sad songs." Then I say, of course when you're happy you hear happy songs when you're sad you hear sad songs la. Cos you can relate to the fucking song. When you're sad, do you think "I must hear happy song to feel better"? No when you're sad you just hear sad song la. If not how? When happy hear sad song ah? Or all sad songs got no point to be listened to? NOT LIKE HALF OF THE VIDEOS YOU POST AREN'T SAD HEAVY METAL SHIT SONGS ANYWAYS.

Then now you deactivate your Facebook. I text you asking why. You say you just want to be alone from people for a while. And I say "Oh I totally understand what you feel. Sometimes I don't like to go Facebook because I see something I don't like". And you reply me "Uhh that's not what I mean =.= i dont mind or care what others say or post. I jus wan to be alone. Sick of the world, and sick of everyone that's it."

LIKE OK FINE. MAYBE WE JUST DISAGREE ON A LOT OF STUFF. MAYBE WE GOT A LOT OF DIFFERENT OPINIONS. But it's getting freaking annoying now geddit? Like ok I'm not going to find you anymore.

Latest one is I post on my status "when you're in a relationship, you'd think of the bad things in it, and after it's over, you'd keep thinking about the good moments. Murphy's law." Then you come kaopeh saying "we all know that's false. u dont keep thinking about the good moments you're just stuck thinking of the last bad thing about it. " LOL OK IF FALSE WHY I POST LE? then i said but that's how I feel (DUH I POSTED IT AS STATUS RIGHT) "swt! soo wrong, shud be other way around. lol. well for me other way around. :S" OK THAT'S FOR YOU NOW FUCK OFF MY STATUS ALREADY CAN OR NOT?

I might feel bad for this post when I wake up but yeah whatever. You annoyed me.

Labels: Angry in the Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 1:37 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I can function very well sometimes. Some days I don't really care. So I guess I should stop talking about it completely and only write about it here. Just pretend it didn't happen and forget the sweet memories. Forget the kisses, the holding hands, the warm hugs, the silly jokes. I'm doing it again. Sighs. I guess he needed me so much back then because he had not many friends but now yeah.. Nice new life. But I would never have imagined we'd end up like this, two strangers, and he'd hurt me so much, but I guess I hurt him a lot too. But whatever la, it's too late and gone forever.

On a side note, 3 of my friends just got into a relationship. 2 of them have been single for like 4 years and now suddenly fall in love and one more broke up same time as me now got new gf and yea @@ like I said, the world is moving on and I'm stuck in this rut. Can't wait to start school.

JPA DELAY TILL MONDAY.

Labels: Happy in the Rain, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 12:13 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Hello, you do not get to judge me you know. I'm trying to be strong. Every night I face that temptation to view him but yeah I KNOW I SHOULDN'T. I do not go around telling everyone my sob story. I only vent here. So like what's it to you? Sure, it's been so long and time still didn't cure me completely to move on. I mean, I still think of him sometimes. So what?

I know he doesn't want me in his life now. I know he can walk past me like a stranger without remembering what we did together. I know his life is fine now. Why would I want to go disturb him again?

Maybe I just seem like the dumb girl who loved the wrong guy too much and now become the emo wtf ex and yeah, maybe I am. Maybe I took it too seriously and he wasn't the one for me. But still. It's hard geddit?

Like yeah i remember every friday I'd really look forward to seeing him but he'd be late and I'd be upset. Like i'm constantly thinking as him. if my girlfriend is waiting for me i wouldn't want to keep her waiting. I'd rush to see her. But for him, he'd walk slowly, talk to friends, go find someone, and forget me, and when I got mad he'd say can't you just wait extra 5 minutes.

And as time passed if I didn't mention tomorrow meet where we'd just not say. But I'd still wait for him thinking he might show up but yeah no. And when I asked did he look for me he'd say no. Like he didn't care. Which he didn't in those last couple of months. He claimed he was studying and didn't have time to text so I don't know was he avoiding me or what. I guess I was inconsiderate also getting mad and sadder as we contacted less and less. And everytime meet we'd fight and not talk.

JPA out TOMORROW WTF

Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

2 comments

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&the time is 10:36 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I'm trying to smile more : )

I wonder who was the first girl who sat in your car. It's not me for sure. I wonder who it is.

I miss you ;( it has to be PMS making me feel this.

You haunt me everywhere. Everywhere I think it's your back I'm seeing, or your familiar shirt. And my heart sinks and my palms grow cold before I realise it's not you. I am so scared of bumping into you.

I guess I took us too seriously. But no matter how many times I tell myself you're not the One for me, I'd think of those affectionate, tender kisses, the sudden shy lunges for each other's hands, and wish that one day maybe I can put my head on your shoulder and my arms around your neck again.

Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 11:59 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Labels: Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain

0 comments

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&the time is 9:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥