He's angry at me. He said he's fucking annoyed at how weak I am. He shrugged and said I have to be strong, its life, if my mindset is so negative as in I think I can't move on, then he wishes me luck. He asks me to learn from my past experiences like he did. He even said," u really think u will love me for eternity? We can be friends k? Good friends." He said he has reached his limit and he is sorry. And his answer will never change, we will never be together again. That he told himself no more, he won't anymore, and whatever love he has left is dying out edy. But he still flirts with me and so on. I don't knw. He says he doesn't want to just stay cause of my body. He says he knows if we stay on he will hurt me eventually, and that when he really loves a girl, he won't leave her unless he has to.
He says my reaction after giving him his bj was so fucking disgusted and he feels worthless. I know I was wrong.. If I could do it again, I would do it differently.. Sighs.. He thinks I only gave him my virginity cos I was drunk.. But its not true..
I should give him time.. Hoping he might miss me and change his mind though I knw myself its unlikely.. I begged him to let me into his heart once more but he keep saying sorry no.. I'm at such a loss.. I want to leave him alone, hope he might miss me, but I'm scared if I do, I'll lose whatever fragile hold I still have on him.. Cos even those fake hugs and friendly touches I get right nw is better than nothingness..
You say you till care, then? Please don't tell me it's only as a friend.. Please don't tell me that.
I always thought you were different.. I thought you were a man who wouldn't just leave a girl because "I don't love you anymore" but you would stay on and try. But now? You tell me you are strong. You seem so fine, you seem like we never happened, like we never met, never fell in love, you seem like you don't miss me or think about me anymore, and I guess you don't.. I'm only a friend to you, close friends even..
To be honest, even now I just crave those moments with you.. Those moments when you hold me or poke my boob and laugh or smear saliva all over me even though I know it's all in the name of "friendship" Those moments when I just bask in your touch even when I know when I reach home we'll be strangers again, the moment we leave the room we'd be just two strangers.
I think you might have love confused with burning passion. Things cool off after awhile, they almost always do. Love switches over from these gut level feelings to admiration, respect, and companionship. It is about building something. A good couple will figure out how to get those gut level feelings back from time to time. Keep the relationship from getting stale. But you aren't willing to try anymore.
Just got off the phone with mum... Told her in as few words as I can.. Even then I had to hold the tears back and pretend to sound fine.. She knew better than to ask if I was fine as I said "we're friends, don't worry k!" and she said tonight, go out and have a nice dinner k? and buy a little something for yourself to make yourself happy k? And I said thanks mum, and when I hung up, it felt like a piece of me had literally torn off..
He asked me to be strong. Asked me to promise to be fine. Asked me to be stronger and learn from my experience. I guess people change, things change. I won't move on for now, because it's too soon. I will still love you, because I don't know how to stop. If you want to be friends, I will try my best to be one.. Try and be happy for you even when you're no more in my life.
I promise to stop calling you, stop running to you, stop hoping..
Even though till today, I still wish that you'll show up with a bouquet, telling me how sorry you are and how much you love me and Will I Be Your Valentine? Though I know those are just fantasies.. But I never imagined my Valentine's Day would turn out like this..
Alone.
Labels: LoveShits Rainy Days
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&the time is 2:03 AM
posted by Ena ♥
