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Thursday, March 31, 2011
Dear John ♥
Counting my footsteps praying my footsteps won't fall through again..

All those times I pretended I had something to whisper in your ear, and when you came close I would kiss your cheek and you'd groan.

That one time you bought a burger each for us and I kept protesting I wouldn't be hungry but in the end, I asked for your burger as well and you kept saying "I can't believe you ate TWO burgers in front of me. TWO BURGERS."

Those times when one of us had to leave soon but I was so reluctant to let you go without more time for kisses and I just held on refusing to go :')

You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain...
Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone.. Don't you think I was too young to be messed with, the girl in the dress who loved you so? You should have known..

 


smiless :)

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&the time is 12:04 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Melancholy
Let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, & move on when things aren't like they were before.

I don't know what my feelings are anymore. I don't know if I still love him. I just know I still care and that's all. I know that though I miss our memories, none of us are the same person and nothing will be like before again. But yeah who am I kidding? If I had one wish I'd still wish we could make it work again somehow. Now it's back to the way it started, strangers. You talked to me a few times, and those times were so bittersweet. We're friends now.. It makes me smile when you talk to me, but at the same time, it's sad. Because how can chatting like that feel normal to me when we used to be boyfriend and girlfriend?

Anyway, I was going through my phone when I encountered this extremely long text that I typed on the flight back from Singapore, that I was wanting to send to him. Here it goes:

"Hey.. This is really out of place but I just want to propose once more to you. Will you be my boyfriend again? I knw you'll say no but hear me out.. we used to be really happy though it's past now. But we've both changed and it can be wonderful again. I know you're very happy now that you don't have to fight with me, and u have your friends. I guess I still care about you. I was lucky to have been with you. I could be myself and comfortable around you.. Cause you never judged me like I judged you. You know me well,my personality, what I like. You know what makes me sad, you know I love being kissed on the forehead.

I know that our fights have stressed you out till u can't face me without feeling so stressed. But no matter what, we were always there for each other. I know love can't be forced. I hope for nothing but moving on is hard when you really loved someone. In the end, I made us so unhappy. I was so emo and expected you to react plus my crap about how you couldn't go out with me. We had too many obstacles. Yet behind that pain, you can't deny we had good times. And I lie awake at night with these flashbacks and I tell myself I have to toughen up and stop because it's useless and you're over me 100%. I distract myself.. But I guess I still think about you and I just wana let you know how I feel.

It's nice not to care anymore, not being controlled, and you're happier now, why would you look back? I'm just a girl telling a guy she still loves him. I still want to sit in your car.. I want to know about your life.. I want to plan our future together. It's probably too late but I just wanted to ask.. I know you just wana forget me and there are better girls out there but just remember, I'm still in love with you. No matter how you look, or what you do in your life.. I'm always here. Because we used to be lao gong lao po. Sorry this message so long :("

I read nia I feel so sad for myself. But of course I won't send it. I don't want to ruin what friendship we have now. It's just something he'll never know. I CAN live without him, I can go on without him, like I'm doing now. Living life. But, it'd be so much better if he still WAS in my life. But some things just won't work out I guess. He thinks that we just don't work out.

Lets start over. Who knows? Maybe this time, we won't mess up.

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&the time is 10:44 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Monday, March 28, 2011
My Morals :D
Sometimes people think I'm immoral. Am I? I don't torture small animals. I think of myself as nice. I don't leave people out, I don't hate people for no reason, I don't outright bitch people or hurt them. I'm not perfect, but I try my best to be nice. I give up my seat on MRT for old people. I donate to charities. I want to be a freaking doctor to save malaria patients in Africa for god's sake.

I'm also open to everything. I would not say no to experimenting. I wouldn't smoke, but I would like to get drunk occasionally. I wouldn't want to be a drug addict, but every girl needs to try to smoke some pot once in their primetime years. I would want to do something risky once. I wouldn't be extremely promiscuous but I totally think sex after marriage is STUPID. And yeah, I think I can handle it. I can take care of myself. I can try things and be a fun wild party girl who drinks and still get straight A's and maintain my qualities in life. I can have fun without losing control. I can have fun without being some drug addict/alcoholic/slut.

On a side note, sex after marriage. LOL STRONG DEBATE POINT. I mean, when you marry someone you have to know them very well right? How can you say you know someone when you've never had sex with them? Sex is part of the personality and mentality much as we try to deny it and separate it. If it wasn't such a big deal, why are our bodies telling us to do it? Obviously wild orgies have  a sinful element with them but you can't say God will punish you if you do it with someone you care about right? Seriously, how does a piece of paper, some vows and a ceremony/party lets God officially give you permission to do the act? What if I have a steady boyfriend but we're both too broke to get married properly and buy a house, etc, so we postpone till our 30's to get married? So we have to stay virgins till 30 plus?

And yeah people say love is pure enough without sex, bla bla, but let's be realistic here please. True love cannot be without sex. Sex is not love but how do you totally separate love and sex? Love is good, sex is bad? Yes I am calling all people who say, "Love does not involve sex, if you love someone deep enough you wouldn't care about their body", a hypocrite. Or else, just not yet go through puberty. Though these people might turn around and say I'm a horny sex crazed teen, but I just feel sorry for them who live in their perfect, pure staunch and boring little world. I respect those who truly feel they will be going against their religion if they do have sex before marriage, but not those 12-year-old mentality people who say love is separate from sex etc etc because it's damn annoying.

If I have a boyfriend. And he gets in some accident and his tweetybird burns off or something. True I will love him still and stay by his side, and care for him, but as years pass, can I stay patient? Can I stay with him? Honestly, I don't think I can do it. I don't think love can be enough, and even if it is, the frustration and other feelings will take over. Does that make me a monster? Maybe. I just want to consider the happiness of my future. Which is why I probably wouldn't date someone who's sterile or Muslim, unless I really really love him A LOT. Because I can predict that the future road will be bumpy and I wanna avoid that. Can I convert into Islam? I might not be able to cope. And it will put a strain on our relationship. And I would want to have actual babies one day LOL.

It's same concept like, you sort of like someone who's going abroad soon. Would you pursue those feelings? No right? Because you could love him and it could be beautiful, but it'll bring a lot of heartache and hard work to make it work out. So why bother? Why get yourself in that kind of situation if you can avoid it? Long distance relationships are very hard and painful.

That's just what I think :) so chill.

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&the time is 11:48 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Sunday, March 27, 2011
Life Goes On
Sometimes I reflect on myself and I go through a lot of tough info in my head. Adolescent ramblings? Just thinking about how I feel so much older now. Does having your heart broken for the first time do that to you?

I think I have moved on and truly let go of the notion that I will ever be with him again. I think. I don't want to test my limits by seeing him or whatsoever but I'm sure I can heal a 100% soon.

Just a few months ago, I hit rock bottom. You know? I was so depressed I felt there was no meaning in anything. I said a lot of pathetic stuff like "Please don't give up, we can get through this. I know I've been a bad girlfriend. Let me make it up to you and I know you will love me again ok?" I thought, this is it. I can't forget him. This is the love of my life and he's gone.

Now I see, it's not the case. I see that maybe we were never right for each other in the first place, that maybe we weren't meant to grow old together. We didn't have a lot in common and sometimes, love isn't enough. I can handle the pain, but sometimes you just get tired of trying.

I didn't have the emotional maturity either. I was clingy and filled with insecurities and maybe this is meant to give me a new outlook on love.

Anyways, being single is not all bad. I seriously hated it, but maybe I'm just biased. I don't text much anymore, I don't have someone always there for me or someone to share it with, but you get used to it. You get so used to the loneliness that it feels normal.. It feels like you're taking a break from life. I don't have any drama in my life, nothing to worry about, no one to please. True, sacrificing for someone you love is a gift, but now, I'm just not sacrificing anymore for anyone. Love is overrated. Physical attraction is what drives us. Haha but seriously what 18-year-old isn't lusty right.

I wouldn't say that I don't still miss him. But I guess, time does its wonders, and makes me see a brighter horizon.

 

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&the time is 12:48 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Saturday, March 26, 2011
WORRIED AS HELL
It's like, this is even more stressful than getting SPM results.

Waiting and waiting.. Applying in countless forms..

I still haven't decided. What if I get a scholarship for engineering and I hate it?? And worse, what if I don't get anything? It's just "MAAF ANDA TIDAK DITERIMA."

Fucking shit depressed.

I think, that I don't love him anymore. Just, I still care is all. Care whether he's doing well or not. It's me accepting that some things can't be forced, but it'll happen if it happens. I am in that zen acceptance stage. I guess. He's happy so it's good.

FUCK SHIT SO WORRIED LA WHAT IF I CAN'T GET ANY SCHOLARSHIPS FUCKKK.

Congrats to my friends though, most of them really hit the jackpot :)


 


EMO SHITSS HAHA

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&the time is 9:19 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sighs.
I feel so... deflated.

Yesterday I was so anxious, excited, nervous, and worried. And now, I just feel... nothing. I feel like "Oh." I feel disappointed.

Obviously I should be grateful. Obviously if I show disappointment I'm just being ungrateful and selfish. Obviously I should be happy. I mean, it's good. But it's not the best.

People would tell me, it's good already. Compared to others. You can't try to be perfect.

But seriously, FUCK LA. MORAL? MORAL? MORAL?

Of course I want to be perfect. Of course I want my 10A+. Sighs. Of course I want to be THE BEST.

If I was really smart, and good, I'd have my face freaking plastered on the front of the newspaper.

I had a perfect score for UPSR, PMR, and now for SPM.... it's just like that.

Disappointment.

So don't congratulate me. It's like, oh I got straight A+... except for one. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Sighs.

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&the time is 4:40 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Wednesday, March 23, 2011



I can feel this fear in every thing I do, every step I take, every move I make, I feel like I am this psychotic lunatic girl who is holding herself from freaking out by smiling and pacing and going crazy.

I am watching the clock tick, and wondering why is it that there is never actual, total silence? There's always the whir of a fan, the hum of a refrigerator, the ticking of the clock, even when you're outside there's the sound of the wind, and of insects. It is never truly quiet.

It is 6 hours away. I am numb.

I love how my hair smells now, I know you would love it too.

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&the time is 11:36 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Rambling On :)
Isn't it strange that the brain is technically the center of feelings, and the heart is just a muscle but when you're happy, you feel your chest is going to explode with happiness, when you're nervous you feel your tummy is filled with butterflies, when you're devastated you feel this huge huge aching hole in your chest?

Isn't it unfair how when your heart decides to love someone, it doesn't let go even when holding on only hurts your heart more?

Isn't it strange that I'm being so unintelligible on the eve of the big day?

Isn't it strange that today is the 22nd, and it's supposed to be a special day but nahhh :)

And isn't it strange that reading those can still make me smile, can still fool me into thinking we're back into that easy, comfortable familiarity, when actually we're strangers and worlds apart?

Truth is, stuff like this.. You get through it, but you don't get over it. But hey, it's life. If I were to die in a car crash tomorrow, I'd at least have had memories that coloured my life, been through some ups and some downs.

I think my first flash of pain was in Primary 5, when some of my classmates didn't like me. And I was wondering, hurt, how can they not like me? And Primary 6, my first burst of ummm, love? I don't know what you call it, it was a HUGE crush from a guy who attracted me so much that till today, I have not felt the same feeling of electricity when I touched him, the sweat that literally poured out when we walked together, that skipped heartbeat when he smiled.

Then Form 1, like super depression. I changed myself then, pretended and hid my real self, because there were lies and rumors about me through school. I hated school. And then more crap happened, fights with people, conflict, being backstabbed, and then being heartbroken from your first love. What's next? Getting fired? Failing school? Death of a relative? I am not being pessimistic.. Just wondering what will come next and how prepared I will be to keep myself from falling apart.

On a totally different note, the mechanics of a hug.. Truth is, a hug is a word for one of the best experiences ever. Hips touching, soft and warm, feeling safe and protected, feeling ( if you're a girl) his warm skin through his shirt, smelling his scent, and feeling his face in your hair, his hand on your back. (This is for lovers obviously. Not family or friends.)

On another totally different note, I am not a lesbian. But does that mean I'm heterosexual? Hahahahahah. Anyways, the future is uncertain, and beyond the ramblings of this weird post is just a sense of expectation for the future and a sense of loss for the past.

 

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&the time is 11:17 PM
posted by Ena ♥



22nd March
Today would have been our 1 year 6 months anniversary. Tomorrow is SPM results day, the moment of truth.

I still remember the way you held me tight as we overlooked the beach. I still remember how you went to help my friend who was hit in the eye by a squash ball. I still remember the warmth I felt every time you looked at me, as if even if I fell, you'd never let me hit the ground.

You don't know how many tears I've cried. And why? These are all just memories. Priceless ones, but still, it's the past. It's over.

I wish you the best no matter what for tomorrow, and everyone else too. I still care, because first loves last forever.

I can't bloody sleep tonight. Sighs. Wish me the best, guys, it's all black and white, either I jump for joy or jump off the 10th storey after receiving my results.

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&the time is 10:45 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Monday, March 21, 2011
SPM
Isn't it sad sometimes how something like an exam can define your life? Can make or break you? Can be everything you've ever wanted?

Sure, some say it's no big deal. But I've always wanted to be more. To live a big life, to be someone. I see myself working in the skyscrapers, being a star, and sometimes I think I will go there, or die trying. Ever since I was young, in Primary 2 I think? I've been ambitious. I dream big, I aim big, I want to live big. I want to go somewhere in my life, I've always wanted to do something special, be famous, live life to the fullest.

It will kill me if I don't achieve it.

I see now, it doesn't matter, whether I have a guy beside me or not. Nothing is going to stand in the way of my dreams, I may be poor, but I'm not lazy.

I want people to look at me and see that I'm talented, I'm smart, I'm capable. Not some cute chick talking big.

I want people to RESPECT me.

But I will come back of course. I want to come back and make this small town shine.

Crap I sound like Hitler planning on world domination ==

Nevertheless, we shall all know in  few days time, who's going far, who isn't. I really don't think I can let anyone down anymore, I can't. So please, this will be a gift for me through all my pain, and with good results no one will ever look down on me again.

Sometimes I scare myself with my thoughts.

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&the time is 10:41 AM
posted by Ena ♥



The Process of Moving On

This is a tricky subject to write about, because it differs for everyone. After 4 months, I think I can safely say I have moved on. Not completely, of course, because that feeling never goes away totally. But I have moved on as much as possible, it hurts less, though it still does.


Of course, being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship, right? I was unhappy too, because I didn't receive enough attention. And he was fed up to the point of not caring. But still, everyday when I wake up, I'm aware of that big hole in my chest, the emptiness and loneliness.


The skies are greyer, the leaves are more dead, the world seems smaller and sadder somehow, and no matter what that feeling won't go away. That feeling that everything is grey, without much colour or interest, that feeling that I don't care about anything, that feeling when I awake and see no messages greeting me with love when I wake up.


Maybe that's part and parcel of being single. But anyhow, I have moved on as much as it is possible to move on. I didn't just give up because I was fed up, I gave up because there was no hope, no miracle.


Someday he will find an awesome girl and he'll forget all about me, that first love, and I suppose he will heal completely and block me out like he's good at doing.


But anyhow, HOW TO MOVE ON?


Well, there are those who advocate positive thinking, talking to people, distraction, sports, laughing, comedy, finding a rebound, sleep and food, and more.


But I was a nutcase, I was the kind of crazy chick who just gnashed her teeth and wailed without caring or trying. I suppose eventually those things helped, but I seriously was delirious and crazy and not listening to sense. I went into temporary psychosis and desperately wanted him back like that. Like crazy


 

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&the time is 10:20 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Sunday, March 20, 2011
A Normal Post

One more thing that kind of annoys me. I don't understand what's with this Asian mindset that you can't be affectionate with someone unless they're your girlfriend/boyfriend. Dating is automatically considered being in a relationship already.


Like come on! There's such a thing as dating but not going steady or being in a serious relationship. I know lah.. Asians are like this. It's always, Will you be my girlfriend? Then baru they start dating, they're a couple blah blah.


But why can't you get to know someone first before deciding if you want to be serious with them? I just don't get it. It's not wrong for me to hold hands or hug someone I'm attracted to right? But doesn't mean 'cause I think that guy is nice and I go out with him means I'm automatically his girlfriend and his soulmate etc etc.


What's wrong with dating first, knowing how much you like someone or how attracted you are to them before deciding if they're worth it? I sound commitment phobic and stuff but I just don't get it. Of course it's more not so awkward lah if you hold the hands of your girlfriend but what if it's just someone you like? Not wrong right?


Point is, you have to get to know someone, feel the attraction first. If a guy I like holds my hand though we're not together I won't like slap him cause "He's not my bf!" It doesn't mean just because I did not say "Yes I will be your girlfriend" there is some invisible line that cannot be crossed. Anyhow, being someone's girlfriend is just a state of mind.


I'm not saying like can simply kiss or attack some guy even though he's not my boyfriend. I'm just saying there is nothing wrong with going out on dates with someone who is not your boyfriend ( or anyone's ). It does not mean you're a player or cheap or what, it just means you wana figure out how much you actually like that person.


I'm 18 now, not the age to play sms with someone then become someone's gf through sms then shyly go meet them like that.


Why do I sound bitchy I also don't know. This is not a personal entry. Just something on my mind.


On another note, I like tests. I like stress. I like productivity. I like exams, I like learning. I just realised that. I like being good at something, working hard to get that. Yes it sounds weird but it makes me strive for something, and let nothing stand in my way. It makes me somebody who's taller than 5 feet, heavier than 36 kilos, bigger than *inserts bra size*. So maybe I should just apply for Medicine?

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&the time is 11:32 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Aftershock
Sometimes I think that the aftershocks hurt worse. The excruciating pain and uncontrollable crying and dead feeling during the heartbreak, isn't as bad as the dull ache after that, the ache that never stops hurting, that pain which fades temporarily but always comes back, that pain that accompanies you as you lie awake with the memories late at night.

I read back of my diary, and there are entries where I talk about how if he doesn't change, I really wana dump him. And now it all seems so trivial, a missed phone call, a few unreplied texts, all those things. Am I happy now that's it over? No.

I just hope you don't ever regret meeting me, don't ever think that our memories were a mistake. I still have all the necklaces and bracelets you gave me, and I cherish them though I'll probably never see you again.

I know you hate poems, but I wrote one for you.

All the laughs I still want to have with you
All the kisses through the night I still want to share with you
Everyone asks me What happened? You seemed so happy
Soon it'll be our anniversary
But you won't be here
I miss you my dear.


Whenever times got hard
I had you to lean on, my rock, my knight in armor
But you fled before I could fix everything that went wrong
Remember we swore to never part?
All the promises, what were they for?
How do I stay strong?


You're my first one true love
And now you left the first scar
My darling you're the one I trusted
To never let go, no matter how far
But now we're parted
I miss you my dear.


All our secrets and talks through the night
All the tingles when we first held hands
Those butterflies on our very first date
Those fireworks when we had our first kiss
All the apologies after each fight
Is it too late now?
You're the one I still miss.


Cuddling in your arms, that familiar shoulder
Those beautiful eyes, that comforting odor
Why did you let me go, was I not good enough?
I never thought we'd end like this even when things got tough.


If I had known that was our last kiss
i wouldn't have pulled away.
If I had known that was our last hug
i would have held on forever.
If I had known what would happen that day
i would have changed myself.
If I had known it would hurt so much
i would still love you.



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&the time is 10:50 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Is it wrong to miss you?

Random camwhore shot in Underwater World.

I am a commitment phobic person. I bail when I feel myself liking someone, I like the chase but once that person likes me back I withdraw because I don't want to lose control, be the one who cares more and get left behind. Except once, and that turned out badly.

I remember the times when all we wanted in the world was to see each other and make each other happy, the times when you loved the smell of my hair and I urged you to get your six pack, and now here we are not giving a damn.

Is it wrong to miss those times? I know I should be happy for you and respect your decision. Let go for both our sake. But is it wrong to miss you?

Time doesn't heal wounds.. Time numbs the pain, make you forget the pain, but it doesn't heal as if the wound never happened.

Dwelling on memories? Well, I'm not viewing your profile anymore, that's a giant leap for me. Stalker-period over. Healing's bound to come, right?

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor, Reaching for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore, And I wonder if I ever cross your mind, For me it happens all the time...

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&the time is 10:58 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Saturday, March 19, 2011
DAMMIT FUCK THIS WORLD
Tonight, I saw you for the first time in 3 months.

And the scar just burst open again. I never thought I'd see you again. Nor did I think it would be so painful to see him walk past me like just a stranger on the street, when this same time last year we were staring at the stars in the sky being happy and promising each other we'd always be there for each other.

I asked him if he was going, and he said no. So I went, and yeah. WHAT GAME ARE YOU PLAYING, FATE? OF ALL THE TIMES, WHY MUST I HAVE GONE AT THAT TIME AND SAW HIM? I should have stayed home that night. Or stayed in the car. I didn't want to go because of the memories. But I didn't know that going down for 5 minutes would let me see you.

I just wanted to run after you, slap you, then hug you and cry. And I cried, as soon as I walked away, because I just want to forget you dammit, I just don't want to see you anymore, I don't want to miss you anymore, I DON'T.

It sucks IT SUCKS. It hurts and yeah why did you lie? why did u freaking lie? I just want to avoid you.

Dear Dimples, you've won ok? You walked away without any pain or regret. I was the one who took it hard, who hurts till today. So why? Why can't you just let me rest? Let me forget you, avoid you. I never even talked bad about you once, I only blamed myself. But I know you talk crap about me and hate me. Why? For revenge? Am I not hurt enough?

JUST LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO FACE ANYTHING, AND NEXT TIME YOU FUCKING KNOW HE'S THERE JUST TELL ME AND I WON'T GO. SIMPLE AS THAT.

PLEASE LET ME MOVE ON AND FORGET OR LET ME DIE. Please.

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&the time is 7:16 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Friday, March 18, 2011
HERE
enaliew.wordpress.com

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&the time is 10:59 PM
posted by Ena ♥



Thursday, March 17, 2011
Bittersweet Memories

Whenever I got upset when my brother finished all my chocolate, you always promised to buy me more.

Whenever you told me about your 'deformed' ribcage and I laughed.

Whenever you got worried when I vomited or slept late or had period pains.

Whenever you smelled my hair and smiled.

Whenever I told you I loved you no matter what pimples dandruff BO you might have.

Whenever you hugged me from behind randomly when we're somewhere inappropriate like my school carpark.

Whenever you avoided me walking past a group of guys or sitting near a guy and I wouldn't get it and would go huh wtf why you want me walk that side.

Whenever you told me I was beautiful and you were lucky to have me.

Whenever I felt your arms around my waist, and your breath on my ear, and your lips on mine.

I love you ♥ to this day.

Hey, I know I've gotta move on, because you have. Much as I miss you, you've forgotten me. I can't do anything, except stop loving in the past. I gotta forget you, and live my life. I know I can never see us together again.

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&the time is 2:36 PM
posted by Ena ♥



How Do I Forget?
Do I look like the kind of girl who cries herself to sleep every night? Because I'm one of them now.

I'm so jealous when I see my friends talking to him knowing I can't talk to him. I see your sister's old photos, of you and I and that hair clip I gave you, and I remember how you used to love me.

I know in my heart, that we will never be together again. That even if he comes back, it might not even work out because I'm so insecure that he could do it all over again. And it might feel weird and all that.

I want to propose to him once more. Just once more before I let it all go. Hope I'll have the courage to ask and the strength to be disappointed.

It sucks that I don't even know him anymore. Everything we painstakingly built up, against all odds and obstacles and doubts and pain, it's gone, thrown away.

I know he won't read this because he hates reading sappy stuff.

I just wana say, I'm sorry. I go back to December all the time, but I know it's too late. I'm sorry, I love you.

I know sorry doesn't undo mistakes.

I want to be happy and whole again. And stop living in the past. Once you made that decision to give up, you didn't turn back once. You deleted me totally from your life, erasing our memories, deleted my texts to you without reading, removed me as if I never existed. And you didn't even want to talk about me, you avoided all mention of me.

I have to accept that we'll never be together again, that you're better off, that you don't need me, that we're just not right for each other. All I wanted was a loving relationship, you couldn't give me that, and I couldn't deal with it.

So now I have to stop myself from thinking about you every single day, knowing you have forgotten me and you regret nothing.



Girl you gotta lose the sad smile (:

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&the time is 9:35 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Too Many Words Unspoken
I know you don't need me, you're not the kind of guy who needs girls. I remember you told me that memories are only memories, it's useless and you've thrown them away.

I remember when you told me, before you met me you never had any problems, you were happy. And I said, yes, but when we were together we helped each other through hard times, and all our special memories. And you said, I'd rather be single than fight everyday. I don't need hugs or kisses to survive.

You kept saying, why don't you just move on and find a new guy? And that really hurt.

For you, the sadness was more than the happiness, and I also regret, regret that I always took you back, regret that I always softened whenever you came back, regret that whenever I gave up you changed my mind. Regret taking you back in my arms after each fight.

I just never thought this would happen.

 

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&the time is 1:33 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Pretending
Pretending I never knew you
Pretending I never kissed you
Pretending I can walk away
Without a backwards glance.
Pretending that every day
I don't miss you.

It's pointless to love you
Yet I do.
I'm sorry I love you
Sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I made mistakes.

I'm sorry that you gave up
When you used to love me so
I do remember chemistry classes
And sweaty Sugarbun dates
Hasty shy kisses
As we hide behind the school gates.

Trying to be strong
To go on without you
To tell myself I don't care
Trying not to wonder what went wrong
Trying not to need you
Though i miss you more than I can bear.

I know it's too late
And life has moved on
Time waits for no one
Four months gone
And I still want you back

Nights where I wake
Crying because I need you
Crying because I miss you
I want to forget.

I want to be happy now.
Without you in my life.
It's enough to know
You're happier than ever.

Just hope one day
You might look at the sky
Think of Ena
And remember her by..

Just a girl who loves you still.
Always has, and always will.

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&the time is 1:28 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Taylor Swift
You know what was the number one thing that really kept me grounded and prevented me from committing suicide or whatsoever? True it made me cry buckets but it still made me felt understood. Like I was crying for a purpose. Yes, Taylor Swift. It was freaky how I could relate to all her songs, not just relate but relive them. It felt like every song was written for me.

Don't need go for therapy, just listen to Taylor Swift. So yeah I'm really obsessed with her now. And some of her songs I am going to recommend and believe me they're catchy. I have the attention span of an ant when it comes to songs that aren't catchy so yeah I'm a very mainstream person.

Oh My My My - this is the sweetest song I have ever heard in my life. it's about a girl who falls in love with a boy she grew up with, and how she loved him all her life and she will till she's 87 and he's 89 :)

If This Was A Movie - this song is about how she's ( or me wtf ) not over her ex and she keeps thinking of him and hoping he'll just come back to her like he would if this was a movie. My favourite lines go :
'I know people change and these things happen,
but I remember how it was back then,
locked up in your arms and your friends are laughing,
because nothing like this ever happened to them.'

The Story Of Us - it's about being in a crowded room with your ex, and it's painful and you're trying not to care. Not talking, and avoiding each other and wondering how did it end up this way. If I find myself in this situation, I'd just break down and run away.

Breathe - This is definitely one of my faves right now. It's about accepting that you won't be with a person, but it's really hard to go on without them, yet you have to. Love gone wrong, and loving someone and letting them go.
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Come In With The Rain - This is a song I can relate to. It's about how a girl is tired of trying to chase after someone who obviously won't love her back, but she's leaving her window open in the hope that he'll come back, and she'll be willing to let him in if he makes an effort.
I could go back to every laugh,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore,
And I know all the steps up to your door,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore.

A Perfectly Good Heart - A song about having your heart broken for the first time, and wondering why he'd break your heart, why would he leave that first scar. Wondering if you should've seen it coming by the distance in his eyes, yeah, totally my song. I should have known when you were drifting away.

Last Kiss - I cry to this song. It's just about missing someone, pure and simple, all your memories with someone, what makes you love them and how you never thought you'd have a last kiss. This is the best song she's written I think.
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
We can plan for a change in weather and time
I never planned on you changing your mind

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&the time is 6:54 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Unrequited Love
I don't even hope for you back, because I know you too well. I know you won't look back, and you'll forget me. You're just that kind of person.

I seem fine now, I'm trying to be fine. I want to be fine. So I ignore the pain, I laugh when it hurts the most, I smile when I'm dying inside.

I'm so messed up you know? I flirt around like crazy. 3 or 4 guys all chasing me and I'm encouraging them like some cheap player and what's the point? I know I shouldn't play around with feelings. And what's the point? I still feel so empty no matter if a billion guys call me dear and tell me they love me. I still feel lonely. Because they're not you.

But now I'm more self-preserving I guess? I get why you avoid me so much now. Because I remind you of bad memories. In the beginning I went to view your life through pictures and I cried so bad because I missed you and I was so out of your life. But now I stay away. I don't want to know about what you're doing, who you're seeing, because I know it'll hurt.

I know you like the back of my hand </3 and I don't know how to be me without you in my life. Why did you leave me during the time I needed you most? I remember everytime we fought, you'd come back and you never gave up. How did you go from that to being the guy who walked away from my tears? Every time you cried, I felt like my heart would break.

I miss being happy, I miss having you to count on. I miss our intimacy. It hurts to talk to you, but it hurts more not to.

Pretending I don't know you, don't care about you, pretending I never traced every feature on your face, pretending I never talked to you about my deepest secrets, pretending I never kissed those dimples, pretending we never existed and never loved each other.

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&the time is 12:48 AM
posted by Ena ♥



Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hello :)
Why create a new blog? I guess my old one got too emo. So this one is more personal and more private so I won't be embarassed to blog about my feelings. Where I can just blog 10 times a day and be disgustingly emo without worrying what people will think.

I can see people who are so happy and I feel like I'm so old and I remember how it used to feel to be that happy. I know he doesn't want me in his life anymore. I know he just wants to forget our relationship ever happened. I know he's way better off without me.

I wish I could move on instead of being stuck here. It still hurts. That we used to be so close and now we're strangers. That he gave up. I should move on and stop looking back, but I can't help it.

It's your life. It's your decision. I know one day you'll some girl who will make you much happier. You promised to never hurt me.. But in the end. It turned out this way.

I know it's life. And people change. But from being so close and sharing everything everyday.. To this. No contact. Pretending it never meant anything.

I always thought you'd be here with me for results. I still miss you, a lot. I cried last night when I woke up suddenly, and no one knows.

How did you have the heart to do it? Because just seeing you cry is unbearable to me, but I begged and cried, and you just walked away.

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&the time is 9:05 AM
posted by Ena ♥