I've become addicted to pain.

I've tried to stop, but it feels so good that I can't. Talking to people? All they will say is "Be strong, be positive." Please, I've tried. If it was so easy, I'd have done it. It's like asking a poor man to be more hardworking and get rich. Please, some people try but they can't do it. If it was so easy, everyone would be rich.

It got worse after I came back. I start out by coming home after school, and trying to distract myself, do homework and so on, till it's about 10 or 11, and I can't stand it anymore, there's a gnawing pain and aching in my chest, butterflies in my stomach and all I can do is bite on my knuckles and then, the pain floods in as I start thinking, and I cry my heart out, and it's horrible. I can't stop. But I found out, when I reach this climax of pain, I can control myself from crying and losing control by cutting.

It helps me, to feel physical pain. It makes me calm down and gets rid of the butterflies in my stomach and lets me find peace. It keeps me from feeling like all I want to do is commit suicide. It makes me happy, to feel the pain and feel the pain in my heart dissolve away. I don't cut deep. I don't want scars. I use needles, to poke holes, or the tip of a razor blade to make small half-inch cuts that heal up fast and looks like a large papercut. It's not so much the pain, but seeing the blood flow that makes me calm down and breathe.

After that first cut, I find myself going back to the knife all the time. At first I didn't want to. I thought it'd make me lose my self respect. But now i realise, my self-respect is long gone. I cut myself because I hate myself. I have no respect or love left for myself. This is the only thing that keeps me in check and keeps me happy for a while.

Almost everyday I go up to the top and dare myself to jump, but I never have the courage. But after I started cutting, I don't feel that urge. It's a good thing. It's not so much him leaving me that brought all this, it's that all the pain, rage, disappointment and dead hopes that finally boiled up from everything. I just don't want to do life anymore. I've lost interest.

Labels: Angry in the Rain, Password Protected

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&the time is 9:20 AM
posted by Ena ♥

When i see people who failed spm and say stuff like "god has better plans for me" i'm like WHAT? excuses losers come up with. I cannot stand people who thank god for everything. I think if I become a doctor and save someone's life and that person says "God saved me" I would literally kill that person because Goddammnit, I'm the one who fucking saved you!

Yea yea, some people just have such an unbelievably strong faith but still, I cannot stand it when let's say someone drops their cellphone and it wouldn't start and few days later it became okay again and hence it became "God helped me! What a miracle! Without God my phone would be sent to the repair shop!"

No idiot, your phone just wasn't smashed hard enough. Unbelievable. Every single good thing that happens is "God's work." Look at me, I got this far and I don't think I owed one single bit to God except being born into this world as I did it for myself. I would never be so humble to say "I only got 100 for my test because God helped me!"

NO. I studied hard for it and I got 100. Yay for ME.

Same goes for, "I got 15 for a test, but it's okay, God is just giving me a trial. He has better things for me ahead."

NO IDIOT. You are just stupid and flunked it and comforting yourself with God-talk.

Stupid things people say annoy me.

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 6:46 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Going to express a deep post now.

I find I am more often a better person now than when I was a little girl. Is there such a thing as being born evil? With the risk of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I was a twisted child. It all started when I was 7 or 8.  I had violent fantasies about killing people I hated, like teachers, classmates, sometimes even my brother. Seriously violent for an 8 year old, involving blood and gore. I did awful things like vandalise my classroom, thrash the tables, and all the while I maintained an innocent, quiet little girl the teachers loved because I was always top of the class. I did things like, in the early morning when I went to teacher's office, I saw a stack of exam papers on her desk, and I looked up my enemy's paper and erased a few answers and recoloured other bubbles so she got a low mark. That was all in my prepubescent years mind you. I had a way of being this scheming evil girl and I was very intelligent for my age at that time as I had been fed all these encyclopedias and philosophy books.

But I turned out okay in the end even though I always suspected I was psychotic or something. During my teenage years, I hit the EMO stage. In the first few years I'd resort to eating disorders, self-mutilation, antisocialness, all while harbouring some grudge inside me. I think that a few key events happened in high school that reshaped who I was. I became a better person, at first just to show people, but finally it rooted. I also became more mature and I can now control my rage better. I used to throw tables around and break 5 pencils at once whenever I was angry. I'd scratch the walls in rage.

But now, I find myself to be altogether healthier. One thing that has rooted me through my life is ambition. Knowing that people are judgmental made me even more determined for ambition. I used to wish for world domination, and so on, but now I just want to understand the world a little better. I used to wish I would be immortal, or would die with my name known by all, but now I just wish that I'll die with no regrets.

P.S I sounded like the little girl from Orphan the way I described myself. I wasn't THAT bad la I was quite cute and charming too. Many my insecurity made me see myself in this evil little girl way

as customary, a picture of myself. post-evil days.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 5:34 AM
posted by Ena ♥

this is turning out very microbloggish.

Labels: Life in Rainy School

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&the time is 4:31 AM
posted by Ena ♥

i can't sleep. at night a thousand memories runs through my head - the first time we texted and how many laughs we got, the first time you called me, how you told Guo Unn you think you found the one just a day after you met me.

I remember the first time we cuddled in the car at college and how wonderful it felt to feel your arms around me. Slowly, I got used to it. What happened? How after we sort of frenched for the first time you asked me, "Did we just French kiss? haha maybe that's why I want you more =) ."

After it's all over, the magic of the first few months now haunts me at night. How we PDA-ed at Pyramid and how nice it felt to have your hand in mine, that magic spark when I hugged you everytime. How I leaned into you. The times when we went to Genting, when I first met your friends. The countless times you kissed me goodnight. Tumblr pictures.

I remember that video I made for you. How after you watched it you said you'd stay. How after that you said you'd try when I already knew it wasn't going to work. How we stopped the games and broke up for real.

I can't help the tears from falling.. I tried to bring in the bad memories. How I couldn't stand it whenever you liked to bring dirty innuendos in every innocent conversation. How you nagged me and got angry at me for pinching you. That one time when you tried to take advantage of me when I was drunk. I'm trying to hate you, trying to recall the things we don't have in common, trying to remember all the anger and fights. How you valued friendship more than me. How you always thought period pain was nothing. How you never tried to connect to my friends.

But all I remember is how complete it was to have you next to me in bed, how lonely it is now.

I guess I really miss you.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 11:35 AM
posted by Ena ♥

It's been a rather dreary holiday. All my friends are busy with school and my grandpa is sick in hospital and Dad has to watch him from 6 to 6 everyday. Which means I can't come back later than 6 pm and I'm already waking at 2 pm everyday. Being stuck at home is totally screwing up my life as I have to stand the incessant whining. I'm bored out of my head and I have a ton of assignments to do which aren't conducive to do in this environment.

On the bright side my lenses should be coming soon :) NEW LENSES always brightens up my day! You can expect a happy review in the next few days :)

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&the time is 3:22 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I think I've become more matured now because

a) I can go out of my house without makeup now. I still put in an effort to look good, but I no longer think my bare face is so ugly that I won't have friends left.

b) I can sustain long distance friendships. It's been almost a year since I left, and I feared that when I came back everyone would have forgotten me, but my friends are still there for me. When we get together, it's like nothing has changed. Everyone has moved on with their lives but at the same time we're still in each other's hearts.

c) I can form platonic friendships with guys. Lol this is a big deal for me, I used to be the most Un-Friendzone girl ever. I fell in love with any guy friend I had whom I was close to.

d) I can accept that there are people you will always care about but can't be with.

e) I actually chia my brother things like some big sister person.

f) I can listen to love songs/be around couples after a breakup without feeling bitter.

g).... There are more.

But I don't think I'll ever grow up to stop being vain :)

Labels: Wisdom in Rain

12 comments

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&the time is 9:04 AM
posted by Ena ♥

It's that time to get new lenses again! I'm not sure which to get. I've never had green lenses in my life, but I've always wanted to retry another pair of blue. I think the msot comfy pair of lenses I've ever had would be my Dueba Dreamy Grey, I might try that in blue!And my favourite ever colours are the Dueba Puffy 3 tone Blue and Grey! They were my fave colours because I love eye popping colours but I think these big sizes dry my eyes a lot especially the Hanabi Grey I currently have.

 grey

blue

The blue is really bright and eye popping but the grey is a lovely and natural shade to the point where I had foreigners coming to me telling me I have gorgeous eye colour! But maybe I should stick to safe colours like brown or other dark colours. Being more mature maybe it's not wise to use really big or bright lenses. 

This is my first ever pair of lenses, the Geo Nudy Blue. Maybe I'll get it again, look how pretty it is

Labels: Rainy Reviews

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&the time is 12:06 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I don’t think I’ll ever be the one who breaks up in a relationship. No matter how unhappy, I’ll always hang on and never have the heart to truly end it. Maybe because I never let go, maybe because I know I’ll be scared to be alone. I will never be that selfish to end it, I think. I’ll just force myself to go on.

I've been told if you ask someone to stay it'll just be forcing someone to have feelings they don't feel. I wonder how it feels to not have feelings for someone so suddenly. I wonder how it's like to suddenly NOT love someone. At times it's still so hard to accept, especially when you have the past haunt you. Maybe I feel that I'll never have the heart to hurt someone even when I'm unhappy is because even when I am unhappy, I still care about that person.

I’ve never known how to stop loving someone. I’ve never known how it feels like. I love deeper and deeper with the passing of time, I’ve never known how it is to suddenly realise you don’t care about someone anymore. Maybe I'm just built to love and never stop.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

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&the time is 9:14 AM
posted by Ena ♥

This is the first time I've really ever felt to kill myself. Usually, there's some sort of glimmer even in the despair, maybe suddenly thinking about something a friend said and laughing, but now?

Mum sat me down to ask me, did I do anything with him and is that why he dumped me. I said no we never did anything. She didn't appear to believe me. She asked me if I've been sleeping around and drinking. I said yes, I do drink but only when birthday parties with Guine them also there. She asked me if I've been sleeping over at friend's houses and also asked me to stop hanging out with EVERYONE but narrow down the list of people I hang out with. She said if you really have done it with him, you'll find it hard to lift your head up again.

It's so shameful to hear these words from Mom. I feel like I embarassed her, and everyone. That even home is somewhere I don't belong anymore. That it's all for nothing. At home, it's harder to hide your tears. I want to go back to Sunway and kill myself. That's all I want to do.

I've made too many mistakes.
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&the time is 2:29 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I'm in a lot of pain. I am, because of you. For a while, I thought I was fine. But in the end my heart wins, and tells me I miss you.

I know it's wrong for me to expect anything from you, but then you keep telling me you care. You keep telling me you still care, and just a few days ago you told me you still love me, and you're wondering if we can get back together. You tell me you're very confused, and indeed everyday you are changing your mind.

But I'm so tired of hating you, tired of trying to forget you and pretend it's nothing. So this is me, saying this again. I miss you, and I love you. I'm willing to forgive everything that has happened and put it behind us and start again. I don't know if you can. I can feel your anger at me. At times you will suddenly bring up some mistake I did in the past like always being angry at you, and even now a small thing I say piss you off because you're so full of anger at me.

At times I feel like you don't care about me.. Like today when I asked you if you'd take me to the clinic. I thought you would care at least that much, but instead you rather hang out with friends. And you left me alone. It made me wonder what if I fainted in front of you, would you care enough to call an ambulance? If I died, would you attend my funeral? It made me feel like if anything happened to me, you wouldn't care at all.

A lot of shit is in my life now. JPA shit, my grandfather is in hospital. Do you know that? I want to talk to you, but you are never willing to listen. You hurt me so much, yet I still love you. You ask me to be strong, well, I am strong. But in some ways, I can't stop myself, I can't stop myself from hurting myself even when I hate myself for doing it because I know since you don't care, why should I give a fuck. I know it's the wrong mentality, but once you start, you just can't stop.. I can't stop myself from doing it to numb the pain.

But at the same time, I can feel you still love me. I can still feel you haven't moved on completely.

All I can say is, can you put the past behind us? Can you? Can you think it through? If even one part of you still remembers our sweet memories and beautiful times together, then it's worth it. All our struggles will make our love stronger. If we can overcome this obstacle, we can overcome anything. That's all I can say. We're two people who care about each other, and I wish we were together again.

It's time for me to go.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 3:16 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I've been so broken and doing everything the wrong way. I've been down and vulnerable and let others take advantage of me. I've lost who I really am. In the past month we've broken up I've been being not myself. Too much drinking and partying. At first I thought it was good. Good that I'm having fun with others and doing things I'd never do otherwise. Good that so many guys are interested in me. But now I see that the way I've been behaving is FUCKED UP. What haven I been trying to do? Kiss every guy in the world? Kiss every guy in this group? I've really done it this time. First Hong and now Jiayong. And I've been flirting and leading Thana on like some bitch from hell.

This has to stop. Maybe I should remove myself from the group too. I'm such a huge slut now in everyone's eyes, that screwed up bitch who is wild and easy. I have no idea. I've been trying to go out a lot, fill the void. Been spending time with every guy I can find, because I don't want to be alone when I can have all the company I want. But now I can see that guys all want something from me, not many guys are just a true friend. It's just so hard to turn down company when someone offers, and then you see they have an agenda..

I don't know but I feel damn alone now, and I don't understand why. Why do you treat me like that? What makes you think you have the right to ask me for a blowjob or whatever shit you wants? What makes you think you can simply grab my boobs but I can't even cry on your shoulder? STOP PRETENDING TO CARE FOR ME. IF YOU REALLY CARE FOR ME, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
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&the time is 11:17 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Going out one night! As you can see I'm messy as ever :) and finally I'm fine and good days are here again!

Labels: Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

9 comments

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&the time is 3:04 AM
posted by Ena ♥

An attempt to take a sexy-ish picture instead of my usual smiley doe eyed pictures but hahaha fail.

It feels good for once, that I’m not expecting anything at all. No expectations is a liberating feeling. I don’t expect commitment or reconciliation.  I’m glad with how things are, at least. Let everything go with the flow, I’ll live my life and see where the stream directs me.

Labels: Vain and Bimbotic in the Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 1:53 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I have been crying quietly all day.

We used to go out every day. We used to smile whenever we saw each day, move closer for a hug and to hold hands. Everytime, I just want to go back to that beautiful moment. I just want to ask you if we can try again and recapture what has been lost before it’s gone forever. I just want to feel that happy as I used to, like a fairytale, which I took for granted.

But I know it’s foolish, and that no matter how much I want it, you can’t try again and go back. Because you don’t feel that way anymore, you don’t miss me anymore. You don’t want me anymore. You don’t want to see me, to talk to me. You have walked away, and left me with all the memories. You have left me, all alone now with no one to break my fall.

How I wish that you would still care.. But not one action of yours has shown that to me at all. If anything bad happens to me, there’s nothing but coldness or ignorance from you. How I miss those days when all I had to do was sound slightly down before you would keep calling me and asking me what was wrong.

I used to not be able to go a day without seeing you. Even today, no matter how painful it is, I have to see you at least once. I haven’t smelled you for a long time now. I miss your scent, the way your eyes crinkle at the corners when you smile at me. I love how you’d hold me against your chest and I would always try to hear your heart beat. I miss how well our hands fitted in each others’, how comfortable it was to lie in the crook of your arms. How in the end, I trusted you, and in the end, it was all ashes.

I always thought you were different. I still do. I still think you are different. But are you? Im hoping for one day, one time, when finally the heavens will show me mercy and let me feel your warm embrace once again. I love you.. Words that mean nothing to you now, but everything to me.

Labels: beautiful moment, Sad in the Rain

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&the time is 9:27 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I have been having vivid dreams that keep me tossing and turning all night. Some nights i find myself all sweaty, or having scratched myself. I had one recently. In the space of a 3 hour nap, can a person really dream so much? REM sleep overload.

Anyways, I skipped Moral today because I felt really rotten and had a migraine. So I slept. Suddenly, in my dream, I was awakened by a knock on the door. I got up and somehow, I found myself in Summit (a apart of it I've never seen before) with a friend, Huan Sen. Some of my other coursemates were there too. I was sort of following Carson because I kept catching glimpses of him in the building but unsure who it was. We were just walking and walking but I kept complaining I was dizzy and I kept having mini blackouts when I suddenly find I have walked somewhere without realising. Suddenly, I find myself sitting on a bench. In panic, I look around and spot my friend. He told me I had collapsed and some of the doctors had given me a lumbar puncture in my foot to check for infection. (Which doesn't make sense fyi, the lumbar is the lower backbone).

I was helped to a hospital room in which was another patient, a fellow coursemate Eric. He was asleep. It was very realistic from then on, with a female doctor coming to explain to me I had caught a tropical fever called methampillin fever and I had to take ampicillin tablets. That's how much detail I remember, the yellow light of the dingy room, the doctor's handwriting on the packet of tablets. I was feeling literally sick, and groggy, and hot and flushed with fever. My mother and brother showed up shortly, having been notified by my friends. They talked to me for a while, discussing my treatment, and then they announced they were going to take a walk and look around. Then, I was dozing off when Carson stepped in. I was happy to see him at first, but suddenly two men came in with him and swiped Eric's Iphone. Carson came to my bed and took out my bag from the table next to mine and showed the two men the contents. They laughed and said the phone was too lousy to take. Before they left, Carson gave a guilty look to me, but I pretended to be asleep. I felt so hurt that while I was sick, he was orchestrating to rob us. How could he be this kind of person? Did he poison me? I was so sad and kept crying. I wished it was all a dream, but I knew it wasn't, because so many things had happened with such clarity. Like I said, I remember all the details, like the rusty bed legs and so on. How I wished it was a dream.

Next thing I know, I was crying into my pillow with my fists clenched. I woke up, startled by the not-dream that was a dream.

Is this a sign of a fever to come? Such a complex dream.

Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 5:54 AM
posted by Ena ♥