He makes me happy, he really does.

But at the same time, I have doubts. Of course I do. Do we know each other well enough? Do we have enough in common? Are we suited to be more than friends? Do I want to risk getting hurt again so fast after I just healed?

I'm also wondering if I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. I just broke up a few months back. My emotions are still in a tangle and though I'm over him, but I might not be over all the pain and suffering I experienced since he left. Am I moving too fast to commit again? What if I'm just feeling this to fill the empty void in my life? I don't know MYSELF. At the same time, I'm so tentative about every step afraid that I will slip and fall again or I'll feel that pain again.

At the same time, I don't want to just pretend nothing ever happened and just push away something that could actually turn into something just because I'm too afraid to love again. I have my shields up, but I think this time, he's different from the rest. But I always think that way of all of them right? That they're different, but in the end they always end up the same. As usual, I'm overthinking and that always ruins everything. Just taking things slowly and going with the flow.

Labels: Password Protected

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&the time is 2:22 AM
posted by Ena ♥

I hate how I always think I am better than people. My one year here in college has humbled me down a lot but at the same time I still feel like I judge people too much.

Not to say judge people, but I categorise someone instantly. Into smart, ambitious, or into fun-loving and irresponsible. Some fall in the middle. Sometimes I feel I am too intense for myself. Every day of my life I am reminded of what I want to achieve in the next 10 years, of how life would be. I spend too much of the present obsessing about the future and how much I want to leave a mark on the world. I'm one of those people (like Voldemort) who would do anything for immortality. Because I simply do not want to leave this world.

Sometimes I envy those fun-loving people who seem to have no worries or cares beyond the immediate moment or maybe tomorrow. I've never had that life. I have been strictly controlled with no free will on my own until recently, and I wonder how I would be if I had been given so much opportunity for fun as they have while I was growing up.

Nevertheless, this is one aspect of myself I'd like to change because I feel like it's not healthy to objectify and label people.

Anyways, I received some pretty good news lately. Honestly, I've been living in fear all this while. Living with regrets over my choice for the future. Wondering if in 5 years time, I would look back and regret upon my choices and be envious of those who are living my dream just because of a stupid mistake I made. It feels like I've been given a second chance to redeem myself and make everyone proud now though. Though it's not a sure thing, yet hope is there now. I don't have to walk through Monash with a heavy heart staring at the building I wonder if I would ever set foot in, or looking at my friends and wondering if they would forget me if we parted ways. I'm very glad now that I know what I want to do, I have the chance to do it. Indeed it feels like a silver lining behind my cloud. Suddenly all my pain and problems this past few months seem hardly worth mentioning, because finally what matters most in the long run looks promising. :)

Also, I have realised that to love, is to be selfless, and let a person go so that they will be happy. To smile when they are happy, instead of wondering why you are not their happiness, is courage, and that's called love.

 

Labels: Happy in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

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&the time is 11:03 PM
posted by Ena ♥

I dislike it when people are self-righteous.

I seriously do. I mean, you asked me to tell you my problems. I was scared you wouldn't listen but you said you do and you wanna know. Then when I told you that I've been continuously depressed up and down these few days for no concrete reason you start yelling at me for being an emo  bitch. Do you think this is what I need? Sure, it's easy to say "be positive and change your mindset." If everyone can do it, though, why are there crazy people in the world? Why are there people facing depression? Why are there people who are alcoholics, drug users? Do you go to a depressed person and yell at them till they cheer up? Do you go to a crazy person and shake them till they become sane?

This is why I want to talk to no one. Because everyone will give the same advice which I know isn't going to help me in any way except as comfort and someone to talk to. But I trusted you and told you. Instead of being a friend you started saying things to me like "oh if you don't want to take my advice and help yourself then no one can help you then don't ever come find me anymore and go live your miserable life and die alone". Honestly, isn't it so EASY to ask a person to just cheer up? You yourself has been through tough times and know it's not so easy to just "be positive and happy." And when a person fails to suddenly cheer up overnight do you get angry at a person for failing? No. If you care about me, then you'd help me get there, not attack me.

It's as hurtful as someone saying "just go slit your wrists la" when you're sad. Which happened to me from someone else.

But bottom line is, I shared my secrets with you and all you can do is yell at me and say "You never change/you never listen/no one can help you/just continue being miserable and don't come to me anymore." Not only leaving me alone but also increasing my self-loathing.

It's like kicking someone when they're already on the ground. It's cruel, and hurtful, and makes me just more unable to trust. You have so much anger directed at me, each time we speak it's just "You're always like that, making assumptions and never listening to others. You never change." So much blame and hatred and annoyance directed at me with so much anger. When I am trying my best to carry on. You ASKED me to share with you, yet after I opened up and told you, all you can do is blame me for "not being strong and not being positive."

Thanks a lot for making me worse. The worst thing is how you still think you're the one who is right and good and different since you're the hero who gave me advice and I'm the idiot who didn't listen to your advice. Just think about it, were you really trying to help me or did you just plunge me deeper into depression because you can't handle your anger?

Just remember you are the one who caused my emotional scars. Please don't have the nerve to still act like all the blame's on me.

Labels: Sad in the Rain, Standard

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&the time is 9:18 AM
posted by Ena ♥