Have you ever felt an intense feeling of self hate? When you look in the mirror and you just hate and hate on your appearance.

I feel so threatened all the time by pretty people, I look up to them and loathe them at the same time. Growing up I have always felt so ugly. I'm extraordinarily small and skinny and unattractive, and I still have these anxiety issues all the time even now. I can't walk in public places alone. I am petrified, and I feel everyone is STARING AT ME, and I can't put one feet ahead of the other, I trip over my own feet, and I don't know what to do with my own arms, do I swing them? put them in my pockets?

It's the stupidest thing you've heard right? Forgetting how to walk when you're anxious. How about forgetting to breathe? I'm always so breathless when talking to strangers because I forget to breathe. I can never relax, I am always so anxious. I'm not sure if I'm bordering on anxiety disorders. I used to have panic attacks when I was growing up, from 8 till I was 15. I had these QUIET attacks where the world seems so scary all of a sudden, and my stomach muscles clench up and then I will ball my fists tightly and try to breathe till the feeling passes. And no one knows, except for the few times it happened in a mall with my family, and my mum was calling me and I was just frozen in spot.

I sound like a nutjob. I have these little quirks which I'm not sure are OCD or whatsoever, like I need to count the number of streetlights on each street when I drive down one of them. Or the fact that when I'm watching something I memorise the subtitles and if I don't get it in my head I replay and replay the scene and only proceed to the next scene when I've got it memorised in me. That is why I take so long to finish a series, and also the reason why I like going to movies or watching TV, because no one can slow it down for me so I relax and enjoy it instead of being anal. Sometimes the subs are so bad in cinemas that I actually relax because they are so bad I wouldn't understand them anyways.

I don't like smiling because I hate my teeth. I have horrible, ugly, deformed teeth and I wish I never had to open my mouth because I look so pretty when my mouth is closed. I had a bad orthodontic experience growing up, had too many teeth extracted, and I didn't know better. My family never considered braces either. I have big buckteeth. One of my worst problems has been corrected: a 60degree rotation of one of my front teeth, but still it's not a pretty sight. I think people are appalled when they see my teeth, and some ask me if I smoke, and it takes every ounce I have not to cover my mouth and run away, but I just say "No, these are just natural stains from my sucky ass genetics" and smile with my mouth closed.

I have an ugly nose, a flat chest, no height to call mine, and in fact there's not one thing I like about myself. I have an ugly neck, ugly limbs, ugly fingers and toes, and I wish if I was to be reincarnated I would be born into the body of a better-looking person, because sometimes I feel it's all that matters, when you can look in the mirror and like what you see.

Labels: Sad in the Rain

1 comments

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&the time is 11:55 PM
posted by Ena ♥

May I present to you..... One of the star finds of 2012!



This must be by far one of the best eyeliners every! I haven't owned many, but a lot of them were flukes.

I owned a Face of Australia eyeliner, and it was one of the blackest eyeliners I'd ever owned. I own a few other liquids but they were all suckish, they'd fade to an ugly gray in a matter of hours. My Essence gel liner is okay as well but of course it's not as precise as a liquid eyeliner.

Before this, I'd tried out some rather expensive eyeliners (for me) like Clio Kill Black (because my shop sells Clio) and Dolly Wink.



They were really good eyeliners, they stayed on and was black and easy to use. But I can't justify paying 60 bucks for an eyeliner especially that I've seen how fast the Clio dries up. Not only that, it is a felt tip liner and not a brush liner (as in composed of tiny bristles like a brush) and after a while of use the felt tip gets kind of wonky (like a whiteboard marker's tip gets kinda soft and bends downwards) and it gets rough and hurts your eyelid.

I was recommended by a colleague to try the Maybelline Hyper Sharp as she claimed she goes clubbing and it still won't budge! So I went ahead and purchased one for only RM 19.80! 

I must say it is an AMAZING eyeliner and I've recommended it to my makeup artist colleague and she's happily purchased 2 since then!



It has a very slim brush tip that is soft and will never be rough against your eyelids. The ink flowed perfectly from the first time I bought it (compared to a shitty Revlon Colorstay eyeliner I bought that was a felt tip and it was gray and the ink would never come out and if it did, it was in splotches. I bought it for 28 bucks ON SALE because I thought Revlon would be a good brand. It isn't. It is like a ballpoint pen that just stubbornly won't work no matter what you do.)

It is very easy to use. The tip is quite soft and flimsy but in a good way, but if you're inexperienced or have shaky hands, it might be hard for you because the tip is so soft that if you bend your hand in a weird way the tip will also bend and yea you get an uneven line. But I use it to get into hard to reach corners and also to tightline and I LOVE IT! Mainly because I believe in super fine eyeliner and I never go for thick eyeliner.



Please don't judge my face, LOL. Look at my eyes! :)



And another close up shot. Some wonkiness occured but it isn't too bad. I have very rough wrinkled eyelids with many small "dots" on them so whenever I use eyeliner it spreads among the lines and dots on my eye but I think only I have this type of problem. Look how tight the line is :D

And look at my mole. It used to be a pimple, and it turned into a mole. WTF I was like "Moles popping up means skin cancer" but Mum dismissed me and wouldn't even look at it.



Swatches of the eyeliner. It's not a comparison, just two fun swatches to let you see how an eyeliner SHOULD perform. If only all eyeliners are like this ! But they aren't, some are horribly expensive and sucks to high heavens and everytime I buy an eyeliner I'm so worried because I'm a cheapskate and I do not want s sub-standard product .



Best of all is the STAYING POWER! This baby will not smudge or fade throughout the day! It might go a little light at the tail ends, but it stays on strong. One thing I notice about pencils or liquids is that the portion closest to the lash line where you tightline it, disappears at the end of the day even though the upper line stays strong. SO by the end of the day, you look like you put on eyeliner without tightlining and there's a huge gap of flesh where the eyeliner disappeared probably because that part of the eye is the wettest.

But it doesn't happen with this baby! And my eyelids are so oily that I can vouch that this is AMAZEBALLS in terms of staying power. Even in the pool or at the beach or in the shower. I did a mask with the eyeliner on (forgot to remove) and it didn't come off. With water and rubbing, it only flakes marginally (no smudging, just flaking). Maybe not as strong as Clio or Kate, but then no way you will even rub your eye half as hard as I have to try to remove it.

So let me rate this:

Intensity: 4/5 (It's black enough actually and you can layer on to make it blacker!)

Ease of Use: 4.5/5 (Soft and flexible tip for maneuvering into the deep corners!)

Drying time : 4/5  (Dries faster than a puddle of water in the Sahara)

Staying power: 4.5/5 (Slept overnight in it, went swimming in it because I kiasu must have eyeliner on even in the pool, and it stayed!)

Packaging: Don't know how to rate, like that lor. No problems with it so 4/5

Price: 5/5 (Everyone can afford 20 bucks on this man! It's wunderkind! and I've used it for 3 months, haven't dried on me yet, though it has for my colleague because she draws on very thick eyeliner, like an inch high.)

It's easy for touch-ups, I keep it in my bag for anything, and I love that no matter how I store it, ink is also running smoothly. Dolly Wink's eyeliner doesn't flow right unless you've kept in upside down for a time.

So that's all, thanks for reading, and let me know if this eyeliner worked for you!

All pictures taken on the iPhone 5

Labels: #cosmetics, beauty, liquid eyeliner, Rainy Reviews, Reviews, revlon colorstay

0 comments

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&the time is 7:55 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Hello! I'm here now to rant on how much I dislike my body.

I've never particularly liked my body. Stumpy legs, no boobs, prominent ribs. These days I'm trying to gorge more on food to gain weight because I can't stand how hard it is to shop anymore. Everything that I like, everything that I want to wear is almost impossible to find, because it's just too big and I'm just too petite and small and it hangs loose on me. Nothing fits me, and I'm tired of it. I wear a size 3 shoe, and that can't be changed. But I just want to gain some weight so I can finally fit into some nice dresses, finally be able to wear bangles and bracelets, finally wear rings without them falling off. Finally able to wear stuff without gaping backs or gaping sleeves and wear low cut stuff without showing the world every single detail of my every collarbone and ribs. (And not even a smidgen of cleavage fml)

I have a small frame yes, but I have no "meat". I'm just a skeleton, and I'm bony. I am gaining weight in the legs and tummy currently, hoping to gain some in my upper body soon.

But anyways, to follow up with my title:

Happy new year :)

Thanks to 2012, for letting me meet him.

Thanks that I learned so much and earned some money.

Thanks that I got my phone and it had no problems (whew).

Thanks that the world didn't end.

Hoping 2013 will bring greater things for me :)

Labels: Daily Rain

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&the time is 9:45 PM
posted by Ena ♥