I remember a time when I would force myself to sleep very late, at 6 am, or even later, when I felt most tranquil, just so I could wake up late, very late, later than 3pm if possible. Why? Because everytime I woke up, I was faced into this great wall of pain, and I would curl up and I couldn't get out of bed, and it would just hit me the second I opened my eyes and faced the day, that it was pain. To check my phone, to see nothing, to throw myself into the meaningless loop of wondering What can I do? What could I have done? If only. Why me? This shouldn't be happening. It hurts. And then I cry.

It somehow gets better throughout the day as I rewatch the same episode of How I Met Your Mother over and over again, and speed past the parts which involve kissing, and then I try to eat a meal, and by 12 midnight I talk myself into being strong, because I was so tired from crying all day. Then I get on FB or Tumblr, and chat with someone I barely know and unload my problems on them (they then never talk to me again) and cry some more, and then I tell myself ENOUGH then I rewatch How I Met Your Mother and actually laugh at some parts, and then I feel good, but sleepy, and I tell myself oh no it's too early, I'll be awake by 1pm, no no. Then I drag on till I collapse, and I wake again with a rested mind, which then begins whirring again until I bear it down and tire it enough to stop reminding me of the pain.

Life stopped for that period of time. I would take a flu med when I only had sniffles and then I'd be so overjoyed that I would be spending the day asleep. Sleeping, crying, watching sitcoms through a blur of tears, trying to read a book when a million thoughts raced in my mind.

I don't know what is happening now to me, no pain, but now I feel like crying at the drop of the pin. I should probably NOT be having my period because then this would be my 3rd period this month.

Labels: Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain

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&the time is 2:06 AM
posted by Ena ♥