I find I am more often a better person now than when I was a little girl. Is there such a thing as being born evil? With the risk of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I was a twisted child. It all started when I was 7 or 8. I had violent fantasies about killing people I hated, like teachers, classmates, sometimes even my brother. Seriously violent for an 8 year old, involving blood and gore. I did awful things like vandalise my classroom, thrash the tables, and all the while I maintained an innocent, quiet little girl the teachers loved because I was always top of the class. I did things like, in the early morning when I went to teacher's office, I saw a stack of exam papers on her desk, and I looked up my enemy's paper and erased a few answers and recoloured other bubbles so she got a low mark. That was all in my prepubescent years mind you. I had a way of being this scheming evil girl and I was very intelligent for my age at that time as I had been fed all these encyclopedias and philosophy books.
But I turned out okay in the end even though I always suspected I was psychotic or something. During my teenage years, I hit the EMO stage. In the first few years I'd resort to eating disorders, self-mutilation, antisocialness, all while harbouring some grudge inside me. I think that a few key events happened in high school that reshaped who I was. I became a better person, at first just to show people, but finally it rooted. I also became more mature and I can now control my rage better. I used to throw tables around and break 5 pencils at once whenever I was angry. I'd scratch the walls in rage.
But now, I find myself to be altogether healthier. One thing that has rooted me through my life is ambition. Knowing that people are judgmental made me even more determined for ambition. I used to wish for world domination, and so on, but now I just want to understand the world a little better. I used to wish I would be immortal, or would die with my name known by all, but now I just wish that I'll die with no regrets.
P.S I sounded like the little girl from Orphan the way I described myself. I wasn't THAT bad la I was quite cute and charming too. Many my insecurity made me see myself in this evil little girl way
as customary, a picture of myself. post-evil days.
Labels: Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain
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&the time is 5:34 AM
posted by Ena ♥
