You never think you can move on, but then again you thought it’d last forever.

 When the pain of holding on is more than the pain of letting go, it is time to let go.

Because honestly, what can I do? I know. I know if I don’t text you, you won’t text me. I know you won’t miss me, I know you don’t love me anymore. You said so yourself. You’re only still entertaining me because you feel guilty, responsible, and you still care but only as a friend and no longer in a romantic way. Since he doesn’t love me anymore, what can I do? Since he is not willing to hold on, what can I do?

I have to face he’s happier without me. I have to move on, or at least pretend to, because he has. I promised myself today I would not shed a tear for him, but already I have failed that promise. Again and again, I have to hear these words. “I don’t love you anymore”. “I have passed my limit.” “I can’t feel it anymore.”

The reason I can still eat and the agony hasn’t set in is either because a) I’m stronger now b) we’re still civil to each other or c) I never really loved him either. Maybe he’s right, we’re not the right one for each other. I can feel it too. And no matter what I promise, can I change? Can I really fix myself? I’ve never been given the chance too. He didn’t, and now you won’t. No one is ever willing to give me that chance. I’ll never be able to learn how to change, because again and again, the chance is wrested away from me. Maybe I’m relieved it’s over. And he can be happy. Maybe I’m meant to be alone. I know what I did was wrong: forced him to stay with me. Maybe we can be friends in the future. But I have to let him go because it’s not right to force him like this.

I’ve always basked in the fact that I know no matter what, he loves me. I knew that, or at least I thought, he’d always love me more than I loved him. How wrong I was. Time after time, I find that I’ve been living a lie all along. In fact, he never really cared. It was only, a fling. A fling dragged into a relationship, past its expiry date. Or is it because I finally gave you everything, and THEN you lost the interest? That possibility is too painful to consider.

In the end, everything is a lie. The love I thought we had turns out to be nothing. Turned into ashes again. Wondering if I’ll ever matter to anyone. Even now, I clutch on to false hopes, a text with a smiley leads me to wildly speculate that it will all be okay, if he replies I feel hope fluttering in my chest. Maybe Adrian was kinder to just tell me he hates me and deleted me. Even now I feel like I’m clutching to hope, uncertain, but hopeful. Playing more games with my own head, when it’s so clear, and even he has confessed and laid it out to me that he feels nothing. I don’t want to force him to love me.  He deserves to be happy. Maybe I’m too broken. Maybe I’m too gullible. Maybe I was desperate. But I shouldn’t trust myself now. I need to talk to someone.. but who will understand? No one. Once again, I am alone.

A brief moment when I felt appreciated. And now, it’s gone again, replaced by this loneliness, this hole in my heart that is even bigger than it was. Again, and again, till maybe finally I won’t have any heart left to make holes in.