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Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Feeling Like a Piece of Dog Shit
I just talked to a friend and cried. I told that friend about what we did, and now I feel horrible. He judged me. I could feel it. He told me "Virginity is such an important thing. I'm feeling really sorry for you now." I told him, "Please don't judge me. It wasn't a mistake or anything. I don't regret it, because i know in that moment, we really loved each other, we were ready. It wasn't a one-night stand or anything. I don't feel dirty or anything."

But he asked me, "If it is the right thing to do then why did you guys break up? Right now you say you don't regret it, but in the years to come? Do you think this won't affect your relationships to come?  I'm sad for you because you guys did that but you still broke up. Wouldn't doing it bring you two closer together? You gave him what is most important but did it matter? No. But instead it made him just lose interest. I'm really angry at you. You lost your virginity to some guy and you guys broke up. And you still dare say you don't regret it. Nvm la it's up to you."

I started crying at that point.. I asked him, why? Why must you judge me and treat me like some slut? What do you want me to do? Regret and kill myself? Obviously i didn't expect that we would break up. In every relationship, would you expect to breakup? But logically i never expected that I would only lose it after marriage. And we were two consenting adults not like it was some one night stand shit.

Tears are rolling down my face now.. Why did you make me think that he left me just because of that? You make me feel like I'm a worthless shit. I thought you were my friend? Why oh why? You want me regret every single thing? I don't. Do YOU regret ever kissing your ex, being with her? No right? Then? Why do me make me feel like that?? I don't get it.. So what do you want me to do? If I ask him to stay and hold him responsible for it.. What does that make me?

Maybe he regrets it, but I don't.. I treated it as a happy memory but now you are telling me that I'm worthless and he just used me for sex and I was stupid to think anything else. It's already so hard for me to let go because of what we did, but I always saw it as a special thing.. But now you make me think that it meant nothing except physical.. I can't take it.. I want to be strong, but life is against me..

My brain is melting down.. I want to die. Die. Now. Please.

 

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&the time is 6:35 AM
posted by Ena ♥