You sit next to me, and you'll put your arm around me and move closer. Or sometimes we'd just smile and wink at each other. Sometimes you make a funny joke and we just laugh. Sometimes we fight and are cold to each other but that's not often.
You run your fingers through my hair and nudge me with your elbow. We laugh and talk and I'd either try rubbing your back to make you ticklish. These are the highlights of my week. Then I'd wait for the next time I saw you again. You'd always kiss me good night.
That was when we were in love.
Now if I talk of these to you, you'd be disgusted and annoyed. Thursday used to be our special day. Why am I paying tribute to you in my blog? Because silly as it sounds (cause I know I'm only 17) I'm scared I won't find someone to replace you. Someone who understood me as well as you.
It's sad how you totally don't care anymore. When I'm sick or sad I just want to tell you. I want you in my life. But you don't care. I miss our closeness.
I admit, you're happier without me. And that saddens me. I don't feel angry or bitter or anything. I just feel sad and lonely. The sense of something missing. I'm lucky to have people to accompany me and comfort me. But sometimes it doesn't help much. Seems that nothing can fill this empty space.
Without me, no love, but no fights either :( I hate being so alone. There are people to care about me, but it's not the same. You weren't happy with the old me. You won't give me a chance for the new me. How do I let go? I'm waiting for time to help me. I wish I was stronger. Like you.
But in the meantime, I will still think back of those memories because they're too precious to forget. If i forget them, maybe I'll never get these experiences again.
There is a little voice in me hoping that maybe he still thinks of me, maybe he still checks my profile or my blog to see how I'm doing. Maybe he just thought it was for my best. Maybe he just needed time. Maybe tomorrow the phone will ring and it'll be him and it'll be like nothing ever happened.
HAHA. Joke, guys. I'm pretty sure he forgot all about me in my entirety. Before he was like a computer freak. And he totally stopped his gaming addiction after me. Now it's like reunion. Lol.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of loving someone who hates me. I'm tired of missing you. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of this pain that never goes away. I just want to grow up and move on but I can't stop missing you and having random recollections of you passing through my head.
Do I deserve this? I guess if you see it through his eyes, I deserve this pain after all the shit I pulled on him. If you were his friend, you'd be thinking serves me right, now regret lah. And I agree. I have a guy friend who told me he wouldn't give me a chance if he was him. If you get me.
I don't even want you to read this. I'm scared you'll tell me to stop blogging about you and stop it. And I wouldn't be able to go all BLOGGER RIGHTS on you because I'm still hopelessly you-know-what.
In my fantasy world, you'll miss me like a year later, but think I've stopped loving you. Then you stumble on these posts and comment anonymously. And I read these comments and wonder, who is it? And then you catch me at the airport as I am about to move to England or something.
HAHAHA I've been watching too many chick flicks. For one thing he would never comment anonymously, secondly I'd still go to England, thirdly, this is all in my head and I can see him with some totally awesome nice girl next year and going 'huh who's ena?' Cause I'm not delusional. I KNOW YA DON CARE you made that clear enough.
I'm sure people will go WTF move on la stupid after reading this and I'll go screw you i'm trying.
Emo as this sounds, I feel considerably happier. Only blogging can release my feelings. Better than emo-ing and annoying my friends. Toodles!
I'm sure this isn't healthy, but blogging about you is better than crying over you in my room. Without you, I always feel alone even when surrounded by people.
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&the time is 6:30 PM
posted by Ena ♥
