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♥
Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hmmm.

Am I actually letting go now? I stil think of him. But less. I still care about him. But everytime I block out my thoughts. Am I happier now? I don't know.

Was just flipping through my diary when I found a page I wrote about how much i loved him and how happy we were. OUCH TO THE MAX.

Those last few months, as I grew more demanding, he grew more distant, and we were both unhappy. I guess he just didn't wana stick around long enough to fix it.

3 comments

&the time is 5:01 AM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Friday, January 21, 2011
Dedicated to my Friends:
I know you guys have been worried about me lately. I've been worried about myself too. Thanks for all your support, even though some of you have been harsh for my own good.

I hope that all of you can support me right now. I don't mean like helping me on some wild goose chase for him. I mean just not pushing me or scolding me. Because I'm not blind, or stupid or crazy. I know he doesn't love me anymore. I know he doesn't care. I know he's moved on.

I know that even if he gives me a chance, it won't be the same already. I'm so insecure now. I'll be worried everything I say or do will make him leave. I suck as a girlfriend. I know. Unless we both try hard, it won't work. I'm scared as hell already.

And I know he's not trying.

I know some of you guys must think I'm stupid, he's out there having fun while I'm blogging emo about him. Yes, it's stupid. But right now, I still love him. I'm adjusting to life without him. Sometimes this aching sense of loss accompanies. So please, don't ask me to move on or let go, because I'm trying my hardest already. I'm crying inside all the time.

It may be hard to let things go, no matter how hard you try. Instead, learn how to live with it. Try to understand the way that things are.

He told me harsh things like get a life and leave him alone. He doesn't feel a thing at all even after thinking all the memories. He don't love me even a bit and he won't want the old gf back. He said the past is the past, and farewell. And shut up. So I left him alone.

I regretted how I treat him. I regret not making him happy. I regret that I make him hate me till he can't stand even the thought or sight of me. Because of my own selfishness, insecurity and drama, and my princess complex, I drove away someone who loved me.

I know I can do nothing and change nothing. So yeah. :( Hope you guys can stand by my side. Talking about it helps a lot.

0 comments

&the time is 9:53 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Life so far.

Life so far.. Has sorta lost its colour. Work makes me think so much of you.

The same things don't excite me anymore. Shopping? For what. Clothes? Not so fun anymore. All I feel is this huge gaping hole.. this aching loss.

I wish I could tell you how I felt, but I'm wiser now. I know telling you will just provoke some anger. I am going to leave you alone.

I called him last week. Funny huh? What the human brain can think up. We haven't contacted in 3 weeks. So I thought maybe he'd cooled down. I convinced myself that. LOL. Made him blow up. I guess hearing my voice made him lose it all over again.

But for me, hearing his voice felt like a thirsty person finally getting a drink of water.

I think that, you still care, just that. It won't be the same anymore. You can't let go of what happened. And you're not sure I have changed. You're scared that it will happen all over again. You're just tired and scared of all this mess. I can't prove I've changed. I have no way of making you believe.

Painful as it is, I can't do anything unless I invent a freaking time machine. Nothing I say will convince you, not hurting myself or blaming myself.

I know how you feel. When you see those happy couples with no worries, you reflect on yourself and me, and all my messed up drama. And you feel sickened to the core.

Of course, maybe the truth is just simple: YOU HATE ME FULL STOP

I don't know for sure. All I know is, you're still the VIP in my heart, like you are in my magazine. Take care ok? ♥

I saw a guy today wearing your pants and I flashbacked to you immediately. ahhh those pants. I still can't wear certain clothes that I wore when I was with you.

PS "Back to December" describes me perfectly.


0 comments

&the time is 11:27 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥ Made Up My Mind

I have made my decision. I'm not going to forget you. I'm going to get you back. No matter how hard or painful, I won't give up. I'll wait till the end of time.

What hurts is not being able to tell you I miss you. What hurts is knowing you 100% deleted me from your life while I'm pining over your Facebook profile every night. What hurts is not having you by my side.

I don't know what's happy anymore, I'm serious. I've only been in pain for these past few weeks.

Darling, I have really changed. Please just give me this one last try. I'll do anything. I know you are sick of trying. I know you have tried a million times. I know each time, I'm just the same.

But this time, we've been apart for so long. The pain is like nothing I've felt before. I swear, if u just say yes and talk to me, I'd show you. I won't fight with you or force you to do things for me like before. I won't control you or scold you or hurt you or lie to you.

I promise, and please. Please don't give up on me. I need you, I love you.

We can take things slow. I will do anything to make you feel comfortable. Make you happy. Please let me back into your life, because I truly have changed. Just tell me how you want me to prove it. Actions speak louder than words. Say it and I'll do it.

Anything for you.

P.S sure it's stupid of me, bla bla, i'm just going to suffer, but please support me here. I love him more than I love myself. It's my mess, let me fix it.


0 comments

&the time is 11:24 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥

emo NOTE NUMBER ONE MILLION:

I thought I was getting over you. I thought I was. But in the end, I wasn't.

Why won't you believe me? Can you trust me? Please? PLEASE OK??

I am really sorry already. I KNOW I WAS A ROYAL BITCH TO YOU OK??? I know. I have realised.

I HAVE CHANGED. I'm not like before. Please, even though it won't go back to like before. But we can create a new future together. If you'd just give me a chance.

I still love you. I still miss you. I WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE.

It hurts so freaking bad that you don't even want to acknowledge my existence.

I wish I could just stop caring.


0 comments

&the time is 11:23 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥ How much I'm missing you.

I miss you so much, just the simple gestures we used to do. The smallest, simplest things, like your smile, being able to pick lint from your collar, being able to bite you, just being able to talk to you. I miss your voice.

I stalk your profile, and I don't dare to try and talk to you because you'll just block me, and I'll lose my only connection.

I miss you to the fucking core.

Remember the time we walked to the museum? And it was so funny with us laughing at the stupid fishes and the fake longboats. And I tried to sit on your lap and then we were all LOL ltr the security cameras record us and put us on Facebook.

I miss the random hugs, the look in your eye and the smile on your face. I miss Sunday mornings sneaking out to give you a hug, and being paranoid when cars passed.

I miss wearing your ring on my finger, I miss your fingers running through my hair, I miss having someone to look forward to.

I only have one wish, and that's to have you love me again. Have you tell me you love me, call me darling again.

Can it just fade overnight? All our hopes and dreams for us?

If only someone can answer my prayers.


0 comments

&the time is 11:20 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥ It's Been So Long

It's hard that as days pass, we become more and more distant. I should accept that you're gone forever, but I can't.

It tears me apart how friendly you are to other girls. I know I no longer have any right, but in my heart I still love you dearly. And I'm so jealous and sad when I see all that.

I re-read some of your harsh msgs to me just now. In one you told me "Shut up. Pls move on and stop bothering me. You're jus getting annoying. I'm kinda hating you nw. I change fast because I have a life k? Unlike u. You let 'true love' control u. As for me? I don't believe in this love bullshit and I never have. Your academic so good for what? Ure stupid."

And it's strange that I don't hate you for your treatment of me, I don't hate you for doing this to me. Why? Maybe I feel I deserve it? Maybe we just weren't right for each other?

All i know is that I miss you, and though it's been so long since I've seen you, I still see your face clearly every night in my dreams.

I love you, dear. ♥


0 comments

&the time is 11:18 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
WHY CAN'T I LET GO??
Why am I still so stubborn and stupid?? Why don't I just let go? Why do I keep blaming and hurting myself?

THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE, HE DOESN'T REMEMBER YOU, HE DELETED YOU FROM LIKE EVERYTHING. HE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN.

HE'S HARSH BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO MOVE ON AND LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I'm not going to say all the, a guy who truly loves me wouldn't have ignored my cries, a guy who truly cares wouldn't have given up on me, because that was my fault. Promises are made to be broken. He promised me he would never leave, but he had a limit.

I'm just making myself look stupid by not giving up on him. What I'm doing is making him regret even meeting me, and I SHOULD STOP LIVING IN THE PAST and remember I'm wasting my time while he is out there having fun.

I treated him like crap and I'm sorry. I pushed him away and I'm sorry. But he doesn't think I'm worth the trouble anymore. HE HATES MY FUCKING GUTS. So I should stop wallowing in my self pity and just MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM.

Life doesn't stop because of this.

A piece of advice:
You want advice?
Give up.
You lost him, it's over. It. Is. O V E R.
So you're sorry?
I'm sure you are, but that's what you call making a mistake. You learn from it and grow. Move on and take what you've learned here so that the next time you come across a decent guy you don't run him off with drama and accusations rooted in your own insecurity. Just because you're sorry doesn't mean you automatically get a do-over and he should come running back to you. If you were worth the trouble to him, he would consider it, but he knows its a done deal. He closed the book on you and I suggest you do the same on him.
And:

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let go. You have to now. Nothing you can do is going to make any difference and is just going to make you feel worse. Don't accept all the blame for the relationships failure, it takes 2 to make or break a relationship. He's probably deleted you because you're not letting go. He's being harsh for the same reason. It's time to move on and love yourself. The only way you're going to get over this is if you can forgive yourself and stop hating yourself so much. You have no control over how he acts but you do have control over yourself.


P.S this is a motivational post. Dammit I wish I could STOP CARING AND STOP CRYING AND LET GO. so sick of myself.


1 comments

&the time is 12:43 AM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Memories..
Random snatches of memories drifted into my head today.

The first time we went shopping together, at Boulevard. We laughed about the clothes that made you look ah beng. We found a shirt that said "Ee" and you almost bought it. "Ee" is part of your Chinese name.

The stolen kisses every time Felix turned his head. I remember once he turned to write "polypropene" and I was too chicken and you were like "Noob. Polypropene so long."

The time you bought me my black hairband because I was growing my hair out and I didn't have any hairbands for school. You gave it to me under the bridge.

Every time I see you, the first thing I'd do is smell your sleeve and comment on your particular smell today.

In my head, I relate everything to you. I remember the first episode of Grey's Anatomy Season 6. Then, shit, when I watched that, I WAS HAPPY. I remember my trip to Melaka, and I think, I HAVEN'T GOT WITH HIM YET.

I am not going to lie, I am not going to pretend. If my friends ask me, if some hot guy asked me, I'd say yes, I am still in love with him. I'm not going to cheat anyone or try to be with another guy to fill this emptiness.

I miss you, so so much. Why, why can't I be happy anymore.

1 comments

&the time is 10:54 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Friday, January 7, 2011
Remember?

Remember when we first started chatting? We totally clicked. We had long chats till morning. Msging you was like msging someone I've known forever. We had so much chemistry. You told your friends how much you wanted to be with me. You were serious. Before long, we fell in love. Out of so many people, we fell in love with each other.

The days of you writing my name everywhere are gone.

Remember when your dad said we're just puppy love? And you said:

Just let them wait and see. See how great is our love. I can't wait for you to be part of my family.

And you promised me, you'd bring me home to meet your mum after SPM.

Remember?


0 comments

&the time is 11:07 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Thursday, January 6, 2011

Note Number 2:

I'm sorry i took you for granted.

I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you.

Why can't you give me a chance? Why can't you give us a chance? Why can't you forgive me?

You're stubborn. But so I am.

It's impossible, but I'll do it.

I love you.

Since the very beginning I've hurt you. And you didn't give up because you loved me. Now that you've lost your feelings for me, who is to blame?

I can't respect your decision, because I know that I have changed. It's not like I'm making empty promises. I mean it.

Please don't be heartless anymore.


0 comments

&the time is 11:05 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Another One
IM POSTING ALL THE NOTES I POSTED ON FB ON MY BLOG NOW. KTHXBYE.


Well everyone has read my blog. Practically everyone has been inboxing me and all that. I just don't need that now.

I still want you back.

I still cry myself to sleep every night.

I still look at your photos though it hurts, because I miss you.

It's been 5 weeks. Since I lost you. After 1 year 4 months 2 days together.

You say it will always and forever be a NO. And I know you enough to know that you will have no regrets, and you're stubborn and you won't change your mind. I know you're sick of me. And you hate me.

But I still want you back so much.

What sucks is that I know if you do give me a chance, we CAN be happy again. It WILL work out.

JUST YOU WON'T TRY AGAIN. And it sucks because I LOVE YOU.

I should back off by now, but no. No matter how harsh you are to me, I can't freaking forget you.

Our long msn chats, our secret dates, our promises and phonecalls, I miss that.

What I miss most, is the fact that you were always there EVERYDAY. I wake up, to a msg from you. I'll tell you everything, what I'm going to do later, what I'm doing now, what I feel. If something interesting or sad or funny happens, I'll immediately tell you. If I'm sick or down, I'll immediately get a cheer up msg from you.

And now, I still itch to reach for my phone to text you, to tell you everything, though I know you don't care.

Can you please don't give up on me? Can you please change your mind? Can you feel sorry for me for the last time? Can you don't hate me?

Can you just give me this last chance? Can you just try one more time, and believe in me?

Please.


0 comments

&the time is 11:00 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Monday, January 3, 2011
It's Hard To Call You My 'Ex'
I'm scared I won't find this happiness elsewhere.

I'm scared I won't be able to be happy again.

I'm scared we'll end up being strangers, because now that I've let go it seems like all our familiarity is gone. I can't talk to you like I always did before,and that scares me.

In some ways, I wish you'd hate me rather than forget me completely.

Does that make sense?

Quote: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.Think about it, when she’s too much for you.. She just wants the best for you. Because to her YOU’RE the best. If you don’t like something, talk to her about it. You mean so much to her. Don’t just give up. Don’t just leave because you want the easy way out.

I remember everything so clearly.. Even though the memories bring me pain. Can you just forget so easily?

I am sick now and I'm not even used to not having you there for me when I'm sick.

No matter how much i tell myself to forget you, it still runs in my head. I have to cry and cry just to make myself tired and fall asleep..

I really want you back but I know it's changed now. I know you're happy without me.. I know you've moved on.. I know I don't cross your mind or heart anymore. Then why do I still love you and pray everyday for a miracle?

a picture from tumblr:

I don't know what else to do.. There's nothing that can be done. Except forget.. and I can't. I'm sorry, but sorry doesn't solve anything does it? Though I've changed.. You still see the old me.. And despite it all, I still love you. Though you don't love me anymore, I love you every second of the day.

My only wish is just to be able to hold your hand in mine again and hear you say those 3 words. I wish I could get some horrible injury and need an operation or something.. Then at least I would have a reason to force you to see me..

0 comments

&the time is 4:28 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥ Always and Forever ♥
When I first met you, you were a shy, emo guy. You told me I brightened up your life. You didn't have many close friends. We became close. We shared all our secrets together. I could see you getting more confident.

I had an awesome relationship with you. You spoiled me, gave me so much attention. I never saw your pain. I never knew how much you had to put up with. You also felt like you somehow didn't match up with me and people look down on you. But it wasn't true. I never once felt that way. We spent CNY, Valentine's, your birthday and mine.


As time passed, you became more distant. I got more unreasonable. We fought. But we always made up and promised to stay strong. Fight till the end. I thought, all couples are like this. Long together already so sure will lose a bit of sweetness.

You always reassured me that, you love me as much as the first day we met. You can't live without me. I'm your everything and your whole life. You'll never leave me because I'm your soulmate.

I DON'T BLAME YOU. for anything. it was beautiful. we overcame our shyness together. After some time we baru can talk without blushing. There was a time I couldn't walk for I was so happy. Never have I been happier. We were so close.


I never understood your pain. I was unreasonable and i didn't give as much as i took. I blamed you for everything, expected you to clean it up. I took it for granted that no matter how we fought, we would always make up and fix it because we LOVED each other. I didn't appreciate you. I fought with you over the littlest things.

Then you told me, that you didn't love me anymore after all these fights. That you'd rather be single than fight everyday. That you'd reached your limit, you can't be with me anymore. You said you weren't happy. You loved me before but you couldn't take the tears and sleepless nights anymore.

At first I still continued on like a bitch. Pressuring you, scolding you. When you needed time. Then when you really let go and gave up, I truly learnt my lesson. I saw your pain. I saw how SELFISH and THOUGHTLESS i had been. I couldn't accept you were gone. I thought if I kept chasing you, you'd love me back.

I thought of those times I left you, and you always chased me back. So I held on to you. But you refused to look back and give me a second chance. You've moved on. You've forgotten all the memories. They mean nothing to you now. You told me harshly to stop bothering you and get out of your life.

It was too late. I didn't appreciate you till you were gone. Nothing I said, all the tears I cried, couldn't move you.

:)

Since you've been gone, pain is in my life everyday. Everyone tells me to forget you, but I can't. Maybe in time I'll heal. But you cross my mind everyday. Everytime I wake up, I reach for my phone to tell you good morning. I lie awake at night thinking of you. My sleep is haunted by you. I would give anything just to hear you say 'I love you' once more.



Losing you was like losing a part of my heart. After you left, life lost its colour. I miss you so badly, your laughter, your smell, your hand, your shoulder. I missed my best friend. I've used up like a packet of tissue from writing this. LOL. I'm trying to live out my life without you. But I never knew how meaningful life was with you in it. Now it's like there's nothing left. Having you was a happiness I couldn't find elsewhere. Everything was great with you by my side.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. I just want you to know, even if you never read this. I will always love you. You'll always have that special place in my heart. Maybe in time I can let go of you. I wouldn't trade my memories with you for anything. Loving you and being loved back was the greatest treasure. Having you to care for me, to take care of me when I'm sick, to remind me to eat and drink lotsa water, to tuck me in every night. It was special. I'm sad now that it's changed. And we're strangers.

Maybe our paths will cross again in the future. I will never forget watching the sunset with you, kissing your cheek, having your arm around me, belonging to you, sharing my secrets with you, hugging you, ruffling your hair. I will never forget all the times we snuck out to meet each other, sweaty and tired but glad to see each other.

one day after school

I guess you hate me now, but I'll always think of you on every September 22nd. All the memories and familiar places will stay in my head. I'm glad you're happy. If you ever feel lonely, know I'm thinking of you. If you ever decide to turn back, try and see if you can catch me again. I'm truly sorry I ruined it. But I guess you'll never turn back now. I know you rarely change your mind. You'll stick with your decision. But, you're only human so I hope you'll miss me. I know you think I'm happier without you but I'm not. Are you really happier without me?

what we used to have :')

Thanks for the love and memories. Thanks for sacrificing for me for 1 year 2 months 4 days :) Thanks for the unforgettable journey. Happy New Year everybody too :)

*if you can give me a chance to bring back our love, i'll never treat you like before. i'll never let go again. but i know i can't force you to love me. so i wil stop msging you and calling you. though I MISS YOU SO BAD. i'll let u live your life without me.

0 comments

&the time is 12:04 AM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Sunday, January 2, 2011

I don't know how people know I'm blogging again but I've been getting msgs in my FB inbox, some a bit umm strange, and just to tell me they read my blog and cheer up. Which is nice, and thanks, but I'm a bit embarassed that I've been all cheesy and stuff =__= and am going to be for some time. I feel a bit shy to know people read this emo shit. And seriously, nothing anyone can say can comfort me. Everyone says, move on cheer up stay strong you'll find better etc. It doesn't cheer me up a bit.

He's stubborn as a mule and I know he won't change his mind, I suppose it's too late. If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you, you're meant to be? All I know is now I can't even imagine myself with some new guy and being happy. Picture doesn't come to my head.



It's slightly funny how much I find fault with him last time and he never did. Reading my old posts, complaining because he didn't buy me some ridiculously expensive drink after I nagged him, being angry because he won't make me happy by spamming my FB wall, being angry when he's busy studying and can't text me because he isn't good at multitasking.

And he never said a single word about me or my flaws or me being naggy and annoying and comparing him to other guys and being unreasonable.

I miss you so much that I just want to go to a payphone, call you, hear your voice and hang up, That's how obsessively crazy I miss you and no, I'm not doing that. The last time I ever saw him was 11th December afternoon.

I miss you so much that I look at all your happy photos just to see your face in them even though it hurts.

I miss you telling me I look cute, I am gorgeous, I am sexy, and knowing you mean it.

I miss you complaining and being emo when you have a bad breakout, and I spend my time comforting you and telling you I'd love you even if you sprouted warts, but I can't help laughing because you're so sad over the pimple, and you get annoyed thinking I'm laughing at you.

I miss you standing up for me, and when I'm sad you're never good at cheering me up, but your effort always makes me smile.

I miss your random comments that make me laugh till I cry. I miss teasing you about being Andy Lau, about Taylor Lautner.

I miss telling you how handsome you are, and hearing you groan.

♥ I love you to this very day, though you put me through hell this past month.


a song.

Is it possible that I think about you SO SO much, and you don't think about me even ONCE at all? Life is cruel. It hurts when I see couples on Facebook or in person and I HATE THEM because they remind me of what we used to be.

You'd rather forget than start another painful road with me. I'd rather forget too, that you ever existed, but I freaking can't. I can't get over you now. I can't leave it all in the past.

I never realized how much I hurt you, I never put myself in your shoes. Now I make you think love is stupid and you don't need it, I made you bitter because loving me brought you so much pain you're scared of being in a relationship anymore. Which sucks worse than you running off with some girl. I brought so much drama to your life that you will hate me forever.

You basically made it clear enough that you don't love me and i mean nothing to you anymore. So I do get it. I guess. Maybe it's possible for you to stop loving me so fast. Maybe you stopped loving me long before we broke up. I asked a guy friend is it possible to stop loving someone you've been with for so long and used to love, without even a bit of feeling left? He said :

yes
because its not worth my life
so I erase it
for if I dont it will hinder my life
and a possible better future

Plus screw the past, I don't own him.

so why i emo right not like he cares lol but I just am.

0 comments

&the time is 9:36 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥ Sorry, woke up and felt emo
I made your life so full of drama and pain that you won't even give me a second thought.

I guess after all this I just want reassurance that you'll never forget you knew a girl named Ena. Instead of you pretending you've never met me or shared anything with me.

Still wake up everyday willing for there to be a text from you in my phone.

I'm not ready for anything at all anymore. Still so sad inside. Everytime I laugh it sounds and feels empty.

If it's true what you said, wish you and her happy. Maybe I was just replaceable and forgettable after all.

Finding a person you truly like, getting to know him, learning to be comfortable with him, trusting him, giving him all your love, making him a part of your life, looking forward to seeing him always, and having your heart broken as he leaves, and all this hard work for the past year goes wasted.

You always said, whenever we fought, Just wait till after SPM k? We been together so long already. Don't give up now. We will spend lotsa time together after SPM alright? And we can fix all our problems.
Remember when we met for the first time? Or all the times we stayed up to comfort one another? Remember?? Remember?? Or have you forgotten??

All the times we made up and stayed strong through the disagreements and misunderstandings? All the times we almost gave up but we worked hard to stay together? After going through hell and high waters to solve all our initial problems, why can't you let me solve this one??

I JUST WANT TO MAKE A FRESH START.

Gonna be a lonely CNY. After you know how happiness feels like, and it gets taken away, you're left with nothing. Like how, I always did well without a boyfriend but after having one and losing him, just makes me feel that everyday i get out of the wrong side of the bed.

P.S :

Kiki just said:
Not long after we met,**** menceritakan hasratnya untuk bersamamu. At first I thought he was kidding, but then it came true and he was very happy :D I know I shouldnt be saying this, but after reading your blog, I kinda felt sad too, because I can feel for both of you remember when you both visited my house?
and it sorta cheered me up that he was happy, and like he said kind of sad because it's all gone.

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&the time is 3:32 PM
posted by Ena ♥


♥ Resurgence for Blogging
I'm really not used to being so unhappy on a permanent basis. My thoughts are always on you even when I'm out with friends, reading a book or watching a movie. I just wish I knew what you were thinking. I would like to believe that you still care for me, only you don't want to be with me anymore. Instead of you hating my guts and wiping me completely out of your life. Still, I can't blame you as being heartless or selfish. I guess you don't wanna look back. I always think everything will work out given the chance. But I guess you gave me one too many chances till you're sick to try.

Also, I guess if you don't love your ex anymore and she keeps blogging about you, you'll get annoyed. He said he was DISGUSTED by me even. But lol no one reads my blog anyways. So I don't think you'll read this.

So ANYWAYS, I would like to ask certain people to GROW THE FUCK UP. Like seriously. You are making a big drama over nothing. I'm sorry I haven't been my usual bubbly awesome self but I've been emo-ing lately. Sorry lah. You think I want meh? You think I don't want to move on?

If I've been too self absorbed over my problems and not caring for yours, I am sorry. But why do you have to like, be so secretive and all that then act emo and post about me on facebook and expect me to know wth you're thinking?? I apologized countless times because I just don't want to lose anymore people from my life. But you're just being a drama queen.

If you don't want to be my friend then alright. Thanks for comforting me but I guess I don't live up to your 'expectations'. Since you can so easily, block contact with me and remove me from your life for this kind of thing.

And one more thing. I just broke up like 1 month? I obviously am not going to get in a relationship. I am not a playgirl. I am not looking for a rebound guy. I just need company and care. Sorry if I offend anyone, but I think even if you fall in love right after breakup you shouldn't be with a new person. At least need wait some time?

True, love comes at unexpected times. But I think someone who immediately jumps into a new relationship is just not respectful of their previous relationship. I mean, even if you hated your ex or really loves a new guy/girl. It's just wrong. You have to show respect for your previous ex also and go through an appropriate mourning period.

Not saying they're cheap or what. Everyone has their own reasons and some people are very happy with their next bf/gf. It's good if you're happy, then you don't need to listen to my opinions :)

Picture to spruce up my post:

current fb pic

I also know people think I'm stupid mourning over my ex etc etc. And I agree. But it's stupid to hide it and act happy then go home and cry. I am not the kind who hides anything. I share deep secrets with random people online. I don't care what anyone thinks la. I don't go school anymore also. If you think I'm pathetic or what, then cut me some slack. People HEARTBREAK la ok. Maybe I'm just the stupid setia pada cinta type. But life goes on. I am not going to jump off any buildings. And I am sure I did my best in SPM.

I feel so eaten up by guilt. All the times I failed you. Already everything seems a distant memory. I feel decades older after this pain. New year, but same pain. I'm not a move forward person. I dwell on the past, lost opportunities, and now I'm just full of regrets.

To everyone who's lucky enough to have someone like what I had, please appreciate them. DON'T END UP LIKE ME.

The number 1 thing that hurts the most is that the memories that are so precious to me, are those memories that you want to forget and pretend never happened. Knowing that, despite everything, you are not a jerk, I am. You taught me a valuable lesson, about my attitude, about how I should cherish those I love.

I just can't seem to think of myself with anyone else but you. Knowing that so much has changed, everything seems strange and I'm scared. I'm so used to having you by my side. Why did you change so much?

I wish I can wake up one day, and start a new beginning too.

a picture from happier times. Everything now is divided between when i was happy and now, when i'm not.

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&the time is 1:05 AM
posted by Ena ♥


♥
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Thursdays ♥
Every Thursday I'd wake up, eager to get the day done with. I'd try to wear something cute in the evening, and put loads of conditioner on my hair so it smells nice. When i catch sight of you walking through that door, I smile.

You sit next to me, and you'll put your arm around me and move closer. Or sometimes we'd just smile and wink at each other. Sometimes you make a funny joke and we just laugh. Sometimes we fight and are cold to each other but that's not often.

You run your fingers through my hair and nudge me with your elbow. We laugh and talk and I'd either try rubbing your back to make you ticklish. These are the highlights of my week. Then I'd wait for the next time I saw you again. You'd always kiss me good night.

That was when we were in love.

Now if I talk of these to you, you'd be disgusted and annoyed. Thursday used to be our special day. Why am I paying tribute to you in my blog? Because silly as it sounds (cause I know I'm only 17) I'm scared I won't find someone to replace you. Someone who understood me as well as you.

It's sad how you totally don't care anymore. When I'm sick or sad I just want to tell you. I want you in my life. But you don't care. I miss our closeness.

I admit, you're happier without me. And that saddens me. I don't feel angry or bitter or anything. I just feel sad and lonely. The sense of something missing. I'm lucky to have people to accompany me and comfort me. But sometimes it doesn't help much. Seems that nothing can fill this empty space.

Without me, no love, but no fights either :( I hate being so alone. There are people to care about me, but it's not the same. You weren't happy with the old me. You won't give me a chance for the new me. How do I let go? I'm waiting for time to help me. I wish I was stronger. Like you.

But in the meantime, I will still think back of those memories because they're too precious to forget. If i forget them, maybe I'll never get these experiences again.

There is a little voice in me hoping that maybe he still thinks of me, maybe he still checks my profile or my blog to see how I'm doing. Maybe he just thought it was for my best. Maybe he just needed time. Maybe tomorrow the phone will ring and it'll be him and it'll be like nothing ever happened.

HAHA. Joke, guys. I'm pretty sure he forgot all about me in my entirety. Before he was like a computer freak. And he totally stopped his gaming addiction after me. Now it's like reunion. Lol.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of loving someone who hates me. I'm tired of missing you. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of this pain that never goes away. I just want to grow up and move on but I can't stop missing you and having random recollections of you passing through my head.

Do I deserve this? I guess if you see it through his eyes, I deserve this pain after all the shit I pulled on him. If you were his friend, you'd be thinking serves me right, now regret lah. And I agree. I have a guy friend who told me he wouldn't give me a chance if he was him. If you get me.

I don't even want you to read this. I'm scared you'll tell me to stop blogging about you and stop it. And I wouldn't be able to go all BLOGGER RIGHTS on you because I'm still hopelessly you-know-what.

In my fantasy world, you'll miss me like a year later, but think I've stopped loving you. Then you stumble on these posts and comment anonymously. And I read these comments and wonder, who is it? And then you catch me at the airport as I am about to move to England or something.

HAHAHA I've been watching too many chick flicks. For one thing he would never comment anonymously, secondly I'd still go to England, thirdly, this is all in my head and I can see him with some totally awesome nice girl next year and going 'huh who's ena?' Cause I'm not delusional. I KNOW YA DON CARE you made that clear enough.

I'm sure people will go WTF move on la stupid after reading this and I'll go screw you i'm trying.

Emo as this sounds, I feel considerably happier. Only blogging can release my feelings. Better than emo-ing and annoying my friends. Toodles!

I'm sure this isn't healthy, but blogging about you is better than crying over you in my room. Without you, I always feel alone even when surrounded by people.

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&the time is 6:30 PM
posted by Ena ♥