I've never been so free a day before exam before. I am so unprepared. I have never been this way. I am always armed with a sword, familiar with format, but most importantly I have always had a hungry I-must-do-it mind.

Thank God I am not sitting for it then.

Anyway, I just want to post a random musing. You know how when a girl is cheated on and she vents on any person possible on the fucking girl and guy?

It actually feels good. Because all the blame is on him, and she gets angry. And when you get angry, you tend to vent, and we all know talking about it is a great way to help. Plus it's the guy's fault so if you tell others about it you don't feel shame, instead you will get sympathy.

SO don't sympathise for victims of being cheated. It is much rosier than what I'm going through.

I really think I've grown up. I used to be all about face, and obsessing about losing face. Now I don't care anymore, I just want to confront and ask and look like who-knows-what without a shred of dignity.

Is it because I've grown up or is it because I have learnt to care more? Either way it sucks, i don't think I can find a year in my life that I've cried so much.

Sorry guys for the disgustingly emo blog. Will get better when my menstrual cycle moves on to another phase, don't worry.
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&the time is 11:47 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Yes, I am. Why do I deliberately torture myself when I know I don't have to? Why do I dwell on the past and pick apart old wounds just for the sake of it?

I dug up something recently, and I'm only writing this because I know he will never read this, or else he will know immediately I'm talking about him, as he knows he is the only guy with the power to hurt me so much.

My friends say I'm stupid and yes I agree I am. They want the best for me which is never contacting that asshole again. Then, why, do I still?

Why do I stalk him? Why do I Google his name regularly? Why do I stalk his friends' blogs? Why do I still surreptitiously ask about him? I know I don't care anymore, but it's just hard to let go and pretend he never existed. Especially with the sweet memories..so somehow I still try to keep him alive? Even when he doesn't give two hoots about me.

It's been half a year already, and I have overestimated myself. I thought I was over it, I didn't think that after so long, he could still hurt me so badly. But he can and he did.

Why? That is the question no one can answer. He is the one who broke my heart yet he's the one who directly hurts me everytime I speak to him.

I acknowledge that I am no longer in love with him. But dwelling on what's happened, how I've changed, it hurts.

Seeing him chilling with his friends or girlfriend, knowing he's so over me, knowing he never thinks about me at all despite all we've shared, hurts.

Just sitting in a car staring out the window then thinking how six months ago we were so close and now ironically everything is beyond repair..it hurts.

But what hurts the most is that you can directly hurt me with HARSH words and COLD treatment, on top of everything.

I'm not asking for you to love me and think of my feelings, but just grow a heart!

YOU took my heart and ripped it to pieces.


The least you can do is be nice to me right?

Why are you adding salt to my injury? Why are you adding this on top of EVERYTHING that you've done?

And the worst thing is, I'm so stupid. I'm a smart, healthy, talented girl no matter what you think, and I deserve better. Then why do I skulk in a corner crying over spilt milk?

Why do I still dwell on this?

Why does it still hurt so bad?

I'm a modern woman. Modern women don't whine about their lost loves. I'm stupid. Just unbelievably, if you met me on the street you would think I was short on screws, STUPID.



Fuck him. Fuck you for ruining my life because you have. Thanks for the most painful, most bitter memories of my life.

And also for the sweetest memories I have ever had.


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&the time is 11:35 AM
posted by Ena ♥

Sometimes I think blogs are just for random people trying their best to profess their self-centered self to the world to avoid blending in, to feel unique, to feel they aren't just one of the 6.5 billion in the world, that they actually mean something. Because seriously, who cares about your unique interests or your daily life or whatever? All a random effort to project yourself so that peopel will actually take notice of you. WHo cares about you? Who cares whether you love pink or love durian or today you bought a new dress or today you kissed your boyfriend, who gives a damn? All an effort to attract attention. That's how I see it. Everyone wants someone to take notice.

Anyway, me blogging a random piece of shit which my deluded self wants everyone to take notice but they won't : I have a new word now. Instead of fuck, I will say lan jiao.

That lan jiao bitch!

I had a lan jiao day!

Why don't you go off my blog and go suck someone's lan jiao?

You lan jiao psycho!

What the lan jiao.

I don't give a lan jiao.

Doesn't this have a nice ring to it? I love ah beng. i beng-ified my blog on kennysia.com. It is so funny! 'Chao ah kua, limpeh kong lan jiao pass up books for yourself! wa lang want KLIA! NABEH!'

Anyway, another random piece of info. I have calculated the cost it takes to beautify myself according to modern standards. Makeup, braces, hair extensions, hair dye, eyelash extension, LASIK on both eyes, coloured contacts, lense solution, clothes, etc, will about cost me a bomb.

RM 6000 for perfect vision. Saving up now. Anyway, I have finally decided on what degree to take. I feel it's the right thing for me to do in life. At Bond, everyone complimented my choice too.

I want to take a double degree in Law and Journalism. I always wanted to take Journalism, and now I think I should. At Bond they said it's very wise to excel in both the written form and oral form. Plus my whole life I've been involved in communicative skills.

I've always known that I would never ever take some engineering or scientific course like biochemical engineering or whatnot, no matter how posh and money-making or free it is. I know that's not what I want. I am in the science stream but I can't lead a profession where I have to master something and follow it to the utmost precision, everyday of my life(i.e. medicine).

Journalism and Law, sounds nice? If not Journalism maybe Mass Communications so I can have a career in Foreign Correspondence. I'm just not cut out for a life of science.

To end it all, LAN JIAO lah!!!!!
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&the time is 3:32 PM
posted by Ena ♥

Finally after a long wait, I have successfully posted this post. At least, I will have when you guys read it. Right now I'm still in construction. 78 photos peeps!

I must say the Melaka and Negeri Sembilan choral speakers are really nice. Melaka offered us cake and Negeri Sembilan cheered for us. We were friendly and gracious and what I would call Najib's dream for a One Malaysia starting at secondary school level.

We were there at the airport and eating ice cream in our hideous grotesque track pants. SOme people had others there to send them off. We were also damn sakai especially me and I took photos of everything including toilets and scanners. I have spared you the agony of looking at those mundane photos and long loading time by not including them. DAMN my Facebook upload failed again.


















We arrived at the LCCT and started moaning about flying Air Asia although we had had food. Well, we wanted KLIA!!! WE waited for eons for the bags to arrive and it was pretty hot there so we got vain. It was horrible. Pictures NOT here.






We boarded the bus after taking various photos with Mr Teo and Miss Susie and Mdm E(who had a frighteningly overweight luggage; Miss Susie says it happens all the time).











































We reached Nilai. It was a ghost town. It rained and the wind howled like mad. It was freezing and the people looked like they would disappear. The shops were mainly closed and there was no sign of life. The toilets had no water and had maggots. The roof splintered onto several places. it was creepy.

Me and Shelly got lost. We found bargains here and couldn't get back to the bus. All the teachers were on the lookout for us. We received tons of calls (how touching). Mr Teo saved us. Miss Susie gained white hair. We were super apologetic.
















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&the time is 10:12 PM
posted by Ena ♥